nightmares

"All things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams."
Author: Elias Canetti
Source: Die Provinz der Menschen

I rarely remember my dreams. The few I do remember are usually gruesome, scary, and undeniably, are my worst fears come to life. Sometimes I wake up scared, not remembering the exact details of what I was dreaming, but more often than not, I remember every haunting detail...and it never fails to stick with me all day following.

Last night was no exception to the rule. I had a series of dreams which I just cant get out of my mind. They are haunting me.

Dream #1: I dreamt I was kidnapped by a neighbor (whom I can't place his face). He was a fat latino man with a tattoo on his chest of a skull inside a heart. I remember him breaking down my door and killing my dog by grabbing him by the neck and cracking it. He dragged me into his house, which I realize now, was nowhere near my current neighborhood.

Once inside, the stench of ass and mold engulfed me as I looked round the brown and green furniture. I tried kicking and screaming, but he taped up my mouth and took me into his bathroom. He went to grab a beer after he tied one of my hands to the handle bar of his bath tub with a rope. He got undressed, put water in the tub, and tried drowning me. I remember the feeling of water entering my lungs. All I could do is grab anything I could...I was able to grab his beer bottle. So I smashed it against his head, broke it in half, and stabbed him in the heart. Blood was everywhere. With a shred of the bottle, I cut open the rope and freed myself, cutting my hands badly in the process. I thought I was free. Then all I remember is hearing a gun shot from what appeared to be nowhere and seeing blood come out of my stomach...gushing all over my dog, who for some reason was at my feet, still dead. I cried, grabbed him, and died myself...

I woke up, freaked out. Realizing it was a dream and my pooch was snoring peacefully beside my bed, I was able to fall asleep a few minutes later.

Dream #2: I am in a hospital walking down hallways full of nurses & doctors. I seem to be invisible, kinda floating around...no one noticing or talking to me as I walked. I knew I was there to see my father. As I walked the hall, I am able to see people laying in their beds. I saw too many people, sick and lonely in their beds, looking at the hall in anticipation of friends and family they hope come to visit them soon.

I stop outside the room I am sure my father is waiting for me in. Tears start flowing at the thought of what I am about to endure; the scene I know will change my outlook on life, that will somehow define and/or scar me forever. I walk in to see my father smiling yet frail...pale beyond belief. I notice he is missing his foot, now a stub. And as I reach down to kiss him on his bald little head, he stares at me and dies...

All I hear is screams and its coming from inside my head. I pound the bed. I can't see because tears and sunlight have clouded my eyes. And as I look at his face, devoid of life, I faint.

I woke up and tears were still on my face. I must have been talking or something in my sleep, because when I awake my dog is staring at me like I'm on crack.

I get out of bed, wash my face and notice it is 2:45 in the morning. I smoke a cigarette. I crawl back in bed and fall asleep again.

Dream #3: It feels like a continuation of Dream #2. I am at my parent's house. We are sitting down to eat dinner. My father is absent. I know in my heart he is gone, dead. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell him thank you for everything he has taught me and gave me. My heart fills with sadness as I realize I am now a fatherless child.

This is when I wake up, shaking & crying. I can't stop sobbing, even though I know they were all dreams, not reality. All I can do is pray. In between sobs, I prayed like there was no tomorrow. Now, I am not an overly religious person, but this was the only thing that could calm me down. After about 15 minutes, tears subsided. But for the life of me, I couldn't go back to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for over an hour listening...to nothing.

I know the reason for all these dreams and it hits me hard. I may post the root of my fears at a later time, but for now: I need to think and deal with the issues here.

Undeniably, I am scared shitless and don't know what to do...