Remembrance of a dream

Today is a very symbolic day for me, a day which holds bittersweet significance because of it's ties to two of my biggest heroes of all time. Today marks the 80th birthday of Maya Angelou, whose words and soliloquies mesmerized me as child. It is because of her writing that I began to pick up the pen to write over twenty years ago. And it is because of her eloquent yet harsh words, the flame inside my heart continues to burn to forever mark me as a poet.

Yet today also marks the 40th year anniversary of the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, whose words were just as powerful to me and the nation at large. He preached and dreamt of change via peaceful processes and despite all odds, stood up for everything he believed in.

The fact that an African American man and a White woman are both serious contenders for the White House serves as proof of progress in this country. And even though there is still much to be done in terms of obtaining 'true' social justice for all and his dream has not fully been realized, I believe Dr. King would be proud of where we stand as a nation today. (apart from the war and Bush's stanky ass that is)

"Take the blinders from your vision,
take the padding from your ears,
and confess you've heard me crying,
and admit you've seen my tears.
Hear the tempo so compelling,
hear the blood throb through my veins.
Yes, my drums are beating nightly,
and the rhythms never change.
Equality, and I will be free.
Equality, and I will be free"

~ taken from Maya Angelou's poem titled "Equality"

good friday confession...

mmmmmm meat!
I'm officially a non practicing Catholic. Most of the time, I don't even really consider myself that, as I don't go to church and haven't prayed in years. This is because as I have grown older I have realized that in many ways the Catholic church & I just don't see eye to eye. Gay marriage, the non existence of women priests, no sex before marriage, and abortion are just a few of the few examples of this disconnect. Not that I don't believe in a higher power, but my version of God really doesn't fit the mold of most conventional religious faiths. However, to be honest, I was born and raised to believe in the Savior Jesus Christ, and I never really fought that association.

Being the non-practicing Catholic that I am, I don't partake in the usual lenten activities. I do not give up something of value (like chocolate or swearing) as a symbolic remembrance of the occasion. I don't go to mass on Ash Wednesday nor do I abstain for eating meat on Fridays. However, my mom adamantly insists on no meat on Good Friday, the holiest of all Fridays during lent. As usual in life, I give in to her wishes, mostly because I don't want to upset her and not eating meat for one day is a small price to pay for her happiness. Thus, this past Good Friday I did the same thing as usual. All day, I abstained from my beloved carne, eating the equivalent of twigs and veggies..only to be hungry a mere hour later. I don't get it, how do vegetarians ever feel full???!! It is horrible!! Horrible I tell you...

But I digress..my real confession is...at the tune of midnight, I dug into the leftover Beef Fried Rice and drank a few beers and life was good! Blah to no meat. Blah to a symbolic day which holds no value to me whatsoever!

WHEW! There...I feel much better gettin' this off my chest!

i'm a survivor

So much time has passed since my last entry on my compleximplicity that part of me was actually scared to come back to the world of blogging. I had started writing catch-up posts countless times only to delete them. Nothing seemed adequate enough; the words were meaningless and could not reflect...me. Many fluff posts had been started too, but they just seemed fake- not true representations of what I was thinking 95% of each day. No words can encapsulate everything that's happened in life the last few months so it's futile to even attempt it. All I can say is that I'm still here: surviving and trying my best to smile. Life is funny that way, when it seems you are on a downward spiral for too long and can't take it anymore, suddenly things stabilize, and suddenly, you can breathe again.

For those who have emailed me the last few months expressing concern and sending me & my family positive energy, I am thankful for your support. Even though we may never have met physically, it's nice to know I was missed and thought of. Mickie: I have been keeping up with you almost every day too (lurking in the background of course). Mexrician: I will be emailing you soon to catch up. Know my prayers are with you & your family as well. Keep your head up, chica. Yoli: thanks for your positive vibes and the email updates of politics/cultural activities in the city. One day soon we should meet up, since you live in the CHI. Somehow, I feel there's much to say. Everyone else who's dropped a note here and there, I'M BAAACKKKK!!!!

Now for the updates: I am happy to report my father is recovering from his stroke quicker than the doctors anticipated. After 3 months of suffering cabin fever, he has recently started work again, though he is still going to speech therapy twice a week. Though he may never be 100% again, he is strong in body & spirit and really seems to be happy to finally get out of the house. I must say, seeing him struggle and overcome all the hurdles he has over the last 3.5 months has shown me what a survivor he truly is and he has truly inspired me to overcome my own hurdles. And I have a lot of hurdles. In fact, it got to a point where I felt like I collected them for a while.

I started off the year saying I had no resolutions; however, almost 3 months into 2007, I seem to have made a list of them. Well, perhaps they aren't resolutions per se, but goals. This year is about me, dammit.

~ To start meditating again (this is a challenge since Mike actually sleeps with me now and he's not into "NEW AGE SHIT")
~ To sell my shit HOLE of a house (fuck this being a landlord thing, I'm going to end up killing somebody not wanting to pay me rent)
~ To finally move in with Mike (we keep putting it off and what for?)
~ To work out at least thrice a week (I'm actually going with a few co-workers during lunch starting tomorrow)
~ To visit my parents at least twice a week and spend at least 3 hours each visit (for obvious reasons)
~ To vacation as much as possible (already I have gone on 2 long weekends and have 3 more planned before the year is out)
~ To start my paper journal again (some thoughts are better left on paper...in private)
~ To actually have a social life...go to art galleries, lounges, and have dinner dates with people I love and miss (I've been much better at this the last few months)
~ Continue going to graduate school (despite the despair & panic attacks I get when people inquire what I can possibly do with a masters in sociology)
~ To stop being so nice to people who just don't deserve it

With a little determination and a smile, I know that these goals can be done. After all, I'm a survivor, just like my papi.

I refuse to think of the stresses bearing down on me...
I won't tend to wounds that continue to bleed
Instead
I pour my soul on paper and let things subside as they may
Tears fall apart at the seams of my eyes...like the reality that is falling around me
My loss of faith and patience has left me standing here alone
with
Head pounding
Wrist slashing thoughts
FUCK IT ALL
AND KISS IT ALL GOOD BYE
Though morbid thoughts wander in my mind...I know
Life is precious...
I could never come to that
Somehow, I am stronger than I appear
Yet I find myself screaming in dreams
My tears falling to the depths of earth...
My boyfriend's arms, once home to me
unable to chase demons that have me in choke holds
I stand alone
My emotions mixed through the blender of life
I stand afraid
I am tired
And angry and sad
Yet somehow...deep down I have hope
Hope for the future
Hope for happiness
Hope for anything but this...

internal observation number 1

Why is it that I'm so hard on myself ?
Why, when I foul up, am I so disappointed in ME ?
Being an over-acheiver in every sense of the word, I hate the feeling of failure

I know everyone makes mistakes, and that its part of life. But, its especially hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my hands (or my words) did more harm than good.

Hours have passed and I am still fuming at my stupid mistake. While everyone else seemed so forgiving of me, I could not let my actions go without nagging myself with shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

I know all that negative energy can't be good for anyone, yet I can't stop from over-internalizing all my own fears and flaws whenever I fall in life.

Thus, my goal of the day is to realize I'm only human and more importantly just to Get over it!!

a day of loving-kindness

ommm shanti....
Some people may read this post and think I'm a crazy ass. But if you have been reading me for a while, you know that I am really into meditation: I do it at least 3 to 5 times a week.

In any case, I awoke this morning happy to be alive and light hearted. Its Friday and I am already on vacation mode. So much, in fact, that all morning I have been practicing the Loving-Kindness Meditation: where I send positive energy to people. This morning, I have sent positive energy to each person that crossed my mind or that I saw. Even that asshole that cut me off this morning almost making me crash into his rear bumper.

So today, continuing on my walking meditation, here's one for all my readers (all 4 of you)

I wish you personal happiness, whatever that may be to you

I wish you and your family the best of health, and the ability to overcome illnesses (this especially goes out to Ms. Mickey Glittter and her papi)

I wish you safety, from danger and ignorance

I wish you a life of ease; may you get that paper $$ and all that good shit

You know, this meditation should be used in anger management classes. It truly works in making you feel like a million bucks. Not only that, it really puts you in that x-mas spirit, ya know ? Why don't you try it ?

time for another revelation...

Yesterday I took a look at my parents and for the first time in my entire life, saw the reality of how old they are getting. They both looked suddenly shrunken and spots like their hands, legs, and areas around their eyes were starting to look and feel like mis abuelitos (my grandparents). Even though they are relatively young - in early 50s, I started just PLAIN freaking out.

Yesterday, while we were all sitting down for dinner, I started to feel sad thinking about how, in fact, my time is so limited with them. I do try to make it over to visit them at least twice a week - either after work or on the weekends - ya know, between the hustle and bustle of life. But even those few hours a week, is limited in many ways. Just contemplating this fear, I panicked even, thinking and begging for more time with them.

There's still so much I want to share....Things I vow to share like:

~ I have yet to learn 1/2 of the glorious recipes my mom has stored in her membrane

~ Learn more about my dad & moms first years in the USA (like yesterday I learned that 1/2 of my dad's family was forced to pick grapes and live in concentration camp like conditions just to survive - how does one go almost 30 years of her life without knowing something that significant about her papi?!!)

~ Invite them to my house to enjoy a glorious dinner I made specifically for them JUST BECAUSE

~ Go on a family trip together; its been at least a decade...

~ Have them witness my marriage and/or experience being grandparents (between me & my brother, they are getting impatient lemme tell you)


I don't want to bore you with the rest; the list is extensive. It's funny how things come out of nowhere and hit you HARD. All I can say is that I left their house with my eyes wide open last night- knowing that every moment shared with them - no matter how insignificant was precious.

hiroshima remembered....

Its been 60 years since that tragic day. Lets all take a few moments of silence for the 140,000 people which were killed in the Hiroshima bomb



the tombstones of the unknown victims of the attack - located in mitaki temple

birthdays not quite forgotten

Don't you hate those birthdays you just can't seem to forget no matter how hard you try to block them? Like your creepy ex of 6 years, or those people once great friends, only to become enemies, or even worse: your asshole of a boss that somehow expects a gift from YOU, whom gets paid a measly quarter for each dollar he makes?

Today is one of those days. It's my cousins /old best friends birthday. Not only are we blood family, we were best friends for many years. But, somewhere along the way she turned into a self loathing bitch who thinks everyone owes her something while she, SHE sits on her ass, smokes pot all day, and weasels my aunts money. In essence, she has pissed me off & fucked me over more times than I will admit.

I knew in my heart for a long time that just having her in my life was traumatizing and stressing me out more than I was willing to endure. Thus, earlier this year, I erased her from my life: removed her from cellphone book & my yahoo messenger, and just stopped calling. And, I never looked back...til today, her 28th birthday.

Today I have such a strong urge to call her just to wish her well. I want to buy her a drink or buy her some flowers... 1/2 knowing she's not worth it and probably wouldn't even appreciate the gesture anyway...

So instead I just lay on my couch and just send her positive energy, knowing this day will forever be one of those birthdays that I will never quite forget for the rest of my life...

the little changes transform the whole picture

Its funny how almost daily, little things change in your life that really don’t equate to much on their own; but as time goes by, and the changes compile, they draw a completely different picture of your existence and preferences in life. For instance, I am not the same person I was a few years ago. Come to think of it, I am not even the same person I was just a mere 3 months back. Every day, unbeknown by myself, I am changing in little ways. This realization came to me yesterday as I sat in a crowded bar with a few too many coronas under my belt contemplating the meaning of life as I breezily observed everyone and everything around me.

Case in point: As a youngster, I craved attention everywhere I went, from relationships, friendships, at bars, home; pretty much anywhere and in any situation. Like a pro, I jumped from conversation to conversation, smoozing my way along any situation. Now, I am content just sitting somewhere comfy and thinking, observing, and listening to everything around me. Conversations of the past were not dripping of politics, poetry, and book readings as they are now. Even my favorite color is changing! What was my deep passion for everything blue is now turning into a fascination for brown. I have one too many brown pairs of shoes, three too many brown shirts, and about 10 too many brown nail polishes and lipsticks to even choose from. Plus, I’m totally digging my bronzer nowadays when before just the thought of putting some make up on my face would break me out for weeks to come. So many things that would have totally turned me off in my youth has suddenly become integral pieces of my psyche. For example: I found out that instead of fancy brand name perfumes, I prefer a $5 flask of musk oil. I prefer a pair of $15 jeans from Discovery or the thrift store rather than pay a whopping $40 for them at NY&Co or Express. It's truly like I have look in the mirror and ask "who is this person I have evolved into?" and "when the FUCK did that happen?". The young version of myself would have thought I was such a freak. HA!

Anyhow, I digress. Its’ funny how all these things are small instances in life that really don’t equate to too much individually, but drawn together I realize how much I have evolved over time without even consciously being aware of it. So much, that I cant help but wonder what changes await for me tomorrow.

"in this great future you can't forget your past" ~ Bob Marley ~

This weekend was like a walk down memory lane for me. My parents were doing some spring cleaning, and in the process, brought out scores of old photo albums, santa clause letters I wrote as a child, and various drawings & cards...I mean mounds upon mounds of stuff. It brought back sooo many long forgotten memories that I didn't even know existed. It was really strange to see baby pictures of me, with diapers on and a bottle in my mouth; I can't believe I was ever that small and precious!!

While browsing through the all pictures and drawings of my past, so many emotions came over me. I realized that 1) I had a great childhood ( I was always happy, smiling and posing all crazy for the camera), 2) I really DO bare an uncanny resemblance to my mother when she was younger (its scary..does that mean I'm doomed to become her?!!), and most importantly, 3) I realized how time really does fly (at times I was like "WOW! I remember that day - and I was only 3 years old). If anything this weekend was positive just for those revelations on my past.

On the other hand, It's really a shame that my family doesn't take pictures anymore. I realized how many great memories that have recently gone by without any type of picture being taken. Now that everyone in the family is all grown up, it seems that we're all just are too busy to immortalize Christmas, birthdays, and bar-b-ques like we used to. What’s even sadder is that I have 2 cameras (3 if you count my poloraid) and they are just gathering dust in the corner of my room. So, being the forward thinker that I am, I will dust them off and use photography as one of my many outlets for creativity...maybe in the process I can somehow capture the true essence of the future's past and make a few memories I can look back on along the way.

the difference in awakening

I am not a morning person by any means. My snooze button on my alarm clock which is worn to the point of nonexistence is proof of that fact. But this morning, the sun was shining, I woke up in a good mood for once and realized that my life wasn't too bad at all.

THEN...I got to work and reality of the state of the world set in. Now I have been good about not bringing up my political views on here as of late (its been a few weeks) but all the loss of the life and tragedy in Iraq has left me feeling so utterly sad. I come to wonder what our country is really trying to accomplish there because the occupation in Iraq is really not defined. From the sounds of it, at this point they are just killing anyone. Reading Baghdad Burning really gave me a perspective on what our so called war on terrorism (or weapons of mass destruction) is really is doing to this country. IN essence, it offers its viewers a true insiders perspective. This morning while drinking my green tea, I read these words from this woman, who truthfully reminds me of myself, and I swear I wanted to cry. I cannot even begin to comprehend the horrible things she has experienced, seen, or how she feels. I woke up this morning happy as can be with the sun shining on my face...while this woman woke up like this :

"Now it seems we are almost literally reliving the first few days of occupation… I woke up to the sound of explosions and gunfire last night and for one terrible moment I thought someone had warped me back a whole year and we would have to relive this last year of our life over and over again… "

The world is truly a sad place to live in...WHY?

I see space & I see life.

Today I set my desktop background on my pc at work with the image of 10,000 galaxies taken by the hubble telescope. All I can say is that it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever saw...I gasped and literally saw life. It looks almost like fine art; I swear its hypnotizing. I cannot even imagine what those galaxies are like, but we would be totally ignorant to think that there was no over living beings out of ALL those galaxies. I wonder what type of beings and animals lived or still live in them. It was very eye opening and bizarre to look at the "bigger picture" of our existence. With the size of the universe, we are but the size of a pin in comparison....

What is the soul?

I came across this interesting discussion about what the soul really represents/ the spiritual formation of the soul. Is it something we have, or is something we are? Personally, I think the soul is something we are...our energy source & reason for existence. What do you think? Check out the discussion
Spiritual Formation

Pondering Love Sucks Ass

Why are relationships are so hard? It seems you give it all you got and yet still end up hurt. I know its just inevitable to hurt the one you love, as the old saying goes "you always hurt the ones you love"...but truthfully who else are you going to hurt? Some guy walking down the street? Of course not. I know I'm just blabbering but it's just I am so confused (there has ben some major drama in my life as of late). Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about what love really means to me, and what it really is to be in love, what boundaries I want to have with my man, and most of all...where do I start with all this past pain. Truthfully, I think that love can be sooo simple. It's people (mostly their problems, baggage, and fears) that make love so complicated.

So amidst all this thinking, the only thing I realize I want from a man (other than utter mindblowing sex of course) is that I just want to be truly accepted for who I am. One thing that I have realized from my past (and present) relationships with men (as well as my friends in general) is that people have this IDEA...a fantasy really, of what their ideal man/woman is. We contstantly strive for this person, hoping one day to find someone which possibly could be all that and a bag of chips...just like in our dreams. You meet someone who is great, fall in love, and things are grand. Mentally, all is right with the world. Til you realize that the significant other is NOt at all like your fantasies. He/she does things (or deosnt do things) which your ideal mate would never dream of doing. Maybe they have some similarities...but there is always something that you would like changed. So you try, starting this crazy and unhealthy cycle of attempting to mold someone you love very much into something you ultimately are not, just so they could fit your dreams. And everyone does it or at least has done it before in the past. Just think of all the great relationships that got squashed because someone didnt particularly like their mates...oh say lack in working out, or the fact that when they drink they smoke, or that they spend a lil too much of their own money in a way which you think is silly. WHY do we try to change others? Push their ideas, standards, and desires on people who just want to be themselves? I know that every man I ever dated wanted to change me in some way. Some did not like that I smoked, others didn't like the fact I had a lot of male friends, others did not like the fact I was so vulgar and open when people got me really upset. I'm so tired of being with people that want me to be their dreams. I'm so tired of trying to change (unconsciously) for people who don't even see me for me, but as some dillusional version of their unconsciousness which has manifested since their childhood. I realize I must do that too, in some shape or form. So, I am making a pact to accept people for who they are, for better or worse, despite my feelings or lack of feelings of their actions or thoughts.

The frosting on the cake (and what really spurred all this thinking in my head) is a list my friend emailed me of 10 ways to marry the wrong person. Ironically, #1 on the list was:

You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

These words ring truer than pretty much anything I ever read in my life. If you can't deal with how the person is before the marriage, how can a relationship survive after? What's the point in trying to change people? It always backfires into a torment of pain, anger & guilt. Its so unhealthy. I have so much to think about its crazy. Til then...a poem written by me...so respect my work & don't try to steal it please (or my puerto rican will come out and reign supreme on you)

I am not the vision you had resurrected through time
Stored inside your mind
Hoping to find
In me
Trying to mold me into your perfection
Maybe one day you will see
I cannot be what you want
I can only be me

PAZ