this is me...

I know ~ I have a long way to go to reach my goals - but I am getting there slowly

I believe ~ everything happens for a reason, no matter how fucked up it seems at first

I fought ~ the desire to sell myself short too many times to count..and still do to this day

I am angered ~ by ignorance and selfish people

I love ~ the feeling I get when he holds me in the middle of the night

I need ~ a vacation (and a manicure)

I take ~ the problems of the world onto my shoulders and in my heart

I hear ~ my radio playing in my cubicle - Gnarls Barkley to be exact

I drink ~ green tea like its crack

I hate ~ the smell of smoke...yet I can't seem to quit smoking

I use ~ my smile as a defense mechanism

I want ~ to understand the reason for my existence

I decided ~ I am happy with life just the way it is at the moment

I like ~ sleeping in on the weekends - when my dog lets me

I am ~ finally registered for a class for my masters...finally

I feel ~ out of place in the world more times than I care to admit

I left ~ my feelings of inadequacy at the door this morning

I do ~ not know how to say no to people...even when I should

I hope ~ to some day make a difference in someone's life

I dream ~ of growing old with him...

I drive ~ a car that's been in the shop a 3 whopping times within the last month & a half

I listen ~ to the whispers and shouts of my heart, my mind, and my soul daily

I type ~ fast and furiously - albeit with many spelling mistakes (thank god for spell check)

I think ~ too much, non stop, never ending

I wish ~ war would be a thing of the past..though I believe it never will

I compensate ~ for my mistakes with a lot of heart

I regret ~ that I inadvertently broke the hearts of many people in my short life span

I care ~ too much at times about things I cannot control

I should ~ hang out with my girls more often..really i should

I am not always ~ the nicest person in the world - blame it on the boriqua genes

I said ~ "life isn't about finding yourself, its about creating yourself" and meant it...

I wonder ~ if the roadkill on the street are really successful suicides by depressed animals

I changed ~ my life despite the innate fears of change I hold inside

I cry ~ whenever the tears need to make their appearance

I am ~ a symphony of contradictions at times

I am not ~ as self-confident as I used to be

I lose ~ my cool in traffic (one hour commutes with no a/c in the summer is killer)

I leave ~ soul naked as a child...can you accept me for me ?


ganked from ms mickey glitter

mantra of the day: positivity is a way of life (ohhmmm)

I realized something last night (yet again). Despite my best attempts at being positive, I'm physically & psychologically drained, tired and cranky all the damn time. Subconsciously I know life is too short to be any of things for long...and truthfully, compared to many others in the world -my life is a cakewalk. It's amazing how the hum drum of life can drag you down. It's an internal struggle I have found myself grappling with for quite a while.

But, as they say...negative in...negative out. So today, I sparked an internal change (once again) to manifest positivity into my life in small ways. (Hopefully) one day it will be instinctive as opposed to conscious actions. But in the meanwhile, I shall consciously appreciate and enjoy the small things in life that REALLY matter. Stuff like: the warm feeling I get inside when my boyfriend clings to me in the middle of the night. Or, how wonderful it is to come home to the happiest dog in the world who just couldn't wait for me to come walking through that door so he can land a kiss on me.

I will try not to sweat the spilled milk of my life. Instead, I will cherish the wonder that is my journey. And in doing so, today I reverberate my mantra: positivity is a way of life (ohhhmmmm)

internal observation number 1

Why is it that I'm so hard on myself ?
Why, when I foul up, am I so disappointed in ME ?
Being an over-acheiver in every sense of the word, I hate the feeling of failure

I know everyone makes mistakes, and that its part of life. But, its especially hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my hands (or my words) did more harm than good.

Hours have passed and I am still fuming at my stupid mistake. While everyone else seemed so forgiving of me, I could not let my actions go without nagging myself with shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

I know all that negative energy can't be good for anyone, yet I can't stop from over-internalizing all my own fears and flaws whenever I fall in life.

Thus, my goal of the day is to realize I'm only human and more importantly just to Get over it!!

a day of loving-kindness

ommm shanti....
Some people may read this post and think I'm a crazy ass. But if you have been reading me for a while, you know that I am really into meditation: I do it at least 3 to 5 times a week.

In any case, I awoke this morning happy to be alive and light hearted. Its Friday and I am already on vacation mode. So much, in fact, that all morning I have been practicing the Loving-Kindness Meditation: where I send positive energy to people. This morning, I have sent positive energy to each person that crossed my mind or that I saw. Even that asshole that cut me off this morning almost making me crash into his rear bumper.

So today, continuing on my walking meditation, here's one for all my readers (all 4 of you)

I wish you personal happiness, whatever that may be to you

I wish you and your family the best of health, and the ability to overcome illnesses (this especially goes out to Ms. Mickey Glittter and her papi)

I wish you safety, from danger and ignorance

I wish you a life of ease; may you get that paper $$ and all that good shit

You know, this meditation should be used in anger management classes. It truly works in making you feel like a million bucks. Not only that, it really puts you in that x-mas spirit, ya know ? Why don't you try it ?

the newest in yoga fashion!

how cool is that ?!!

I just discovered "Yoga Paws", a nifty idea for the yoga minded individuals of the world. Who needs a yoga mat that you have to lug around on your back or arm, when you get the same benefits from strapping on yoga mat type gloves and slippers? It offers the same grip and comfort, without the need for stanky mat...the yoga junkie in me is doing cartwheels!!

tattoo a piece of peace on my hip

namaste
I have been thinking long and hard about getting a tattoo on my hip for years. I have always wanted one, but between being scared of needles and not feeling deeply enough about something to have it permanently affixed to my body, I have been extremely hesitant.

WELL, I think I have found IT! Here's the rough idea. Directly derived from my yoga practice, I want to get the phrase "Namaste" with a drawing of two hands connected in front of a heart tatted on my right hip.

For those who are clueless to my meaning: Nama" means bow, "as" means I, and "te" means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means "bow me to you" or "I bow to you." To perform Namaste, we place the hands together at the heart charka, close the eyes, and bow the head. It can also be done by placing the hands together in front of the third eye, bowing the head, and then bringing the hands down to the heart. This is an especially deep form of respect.

The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. Namaste...it describes my state of mind to others perfectly.

What do you think ?!

my tongue speaks thankfulness

Today is FRIDAY and the word and mood of the day is definitely that of thankfulness. Within the last month or so I have found more and more reasons to be thankful for my existence. Everything is truly going my way and I am currently basking in the glow of it all like I just got the best sex ever imaginable. Wait, scratch that...its better than sex. Within a week, I will close on my new house and have a new job (i.e. starting a career that I have always dreamed of). Plus, I have a wondrous support system of friends & family to help me out along the way. Even though they can't always be there for me (I mean who can?), they always knows what to say and when to say it. I am on cloud nine, ya'll and I hope and pray that you all are having as great a month as I am. I am sending positive energy out to everyone !

In other news, my love life has been fantastic. :) Just yesterday, my man left a single rose on my windshield as a pleasant reminder of him on my way to work (talk about puting on the charms huh?). Plus, we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary this past Saturday. It's been 2 kick ass years since I asked him to be mine. It's a long story on how and why 'we' happened after being friends for so long, as me & him have a past that spans almost 10 years. I mean, he was my chemistry partner in high school (go figure we had a little chemistry going on outside class as well). Needless to say, our story has many twists and turns full of jealous exes, drama, and bittersweet kisses that undoubtedly could become a book if I ever decided to write it all down. But, again, I digress. That’s another story set for another time and you probably would have to buy me a few drinks to get the whole scoop on that. hee hee.

Well, I must get back to work. I have to interview a few people for my position later and still have to get lunch before it all. Peace & love to everyone.

the little changes transform the whole picture

Its funny how almost daily, little things change in your life that really don’t equate to much on their own; but as time goes by, and the changes compile, they draw a completely different picture of your existence and preferences in life. For instance, I am not the same person I was a few years ago. Come to think of it, I am not even the same person I was just a mere 3 months back. Every day, unbeknown by myself, I am changing in little ways. This realization came to me yesterday as I sat in a crowded bar with a few too many coronas under my belt contemplating the meaning of life as I breezily observed everyone and everything around me.

Case in point: As a youngster, I craved attention everywhere I went, from relationships, friendships, at bars, home; pretty much anywhere and in any situation. Like a pro, I jumped from conversation to conversation, smoozing my way along any situation. Now, I am content just sitting somewhere comfy and thinking, observing, and listening to everything around me. Conversations of the past were not dripping of politics, poetry, and book readings as they are now. Even my favorite color is changing! What was my deep passion for everything blue is now turning into a fascination for brown. I have one too many brown pairs of shoes, three too many brown shirts, and about 10 too many brown nail polishes and lipsticks to even choose from. Plus, I’m totally digging my bronzer nowadays when before just the thought of putting some make up on my face would break me out for weeks to come. So many things that would have totally turned me off in my youth has suddenly become integral pieces of my psyche. For example: I found out that instead of fancy brand name perfumes, I prefer a $5 flask of musk oil. I prefer a pair of $15 jeans from Discovery or the thrift store rather than pay a whopping $40 for them at NY&Co or Express. It's truly like I have look in the mirror and ask "who is this person I have evolved into?" and "when the FUCK did that happen?". The young version of myself would have thought I was such a freak. HA!

Anyhow, I digress. Its’ funny how all these things are small instances in life that really don’t equate to too much individually, but drawn together I realize how much I have evolved over time without even consciously being aware of it. So much, that I cant help but wonder what changes await for me tomorrow.

no where to hide

We wear a 1000 faces of pretense
hoping the lens of others cant penetrate to the core
Yet there are no disguises for thyself
No masks to wear to subdue self reflecting the meaning
Of your very own soul
And I am no exception
My heart beats drums of
3rd eye popping virginity
strumming life
Since conception
I was destined for that clarified moment of peace
And
For the first time
I am not blind
I can look at myself and be proud
Though
I can’t recall
The exact second
That I knew true meaning of me
Because I discarded old masks
I can stare at the mirror
Of my mental
And know who’s staring back at me

Copyright by Dragonflypurity

Ever find something you wrote a long time ago and even forgot existed?

Serenity
Uncovered Dec 16, 2003

I need serenity
A place to rest my tired soul
Which throughout my short life has grown so old
My heart, once open & warm is now cold as stone
I say this knowing it’s no one fault but my own
So I package it up in my poems and watch it flow away & pass like an eye of a storm

Create in myself some peace of mind
A moment in time where life’s daily grind can’t confine…my soul
No longer let circumstances and pain take control
Let life’s ebb & flow of emotion just go…away from me
Attempt to let my 3rd eye of self discovery set me free
Meet head on with my destiny
With God’s help I can achieve many things
Not just for myself, but for other human beings

There are so many things that escape my mental grasp
But through knowledge and self loving I know my ignorance will pass
Pick up the remaining broken glass called my life
Never giving up in the fight of self mastery
Find home inside my mind and thorugh my rhymes
and...
That’s when it hit me!
My out of control, tired soul FOUND SERENITY!

the venus eclipse

and all I could think was "damn it must be hot as all hell on venus"

well, that’s not entirely true. I thought other things too. Like how beautiful it must have looked through a telescope. I know to the human eye it just looked like a black spec on the sun, but I find it mesmerizing nonetheless. I get a kick out of observing the stars and planets take awe in meteor showers, shooting stars, eclipses; pretty much any phenomena happening in the skies.

sometimes...

It's the little things that matter, like buying yourself some flowers JUST BECAUSE you rock. I brought myself a dozen red tulips, and damn....they just made my week. :)

Other times, when you are in a pissy mood...just the innocent smile and wave of a baby can brighten up your day; somehow making you realize the world is not as bad as you previously thought.

There are countless little things in life that matter sooo much, yet with all the hustle and bustle of life, a lot of times I don't acknowledge them. I look around me to see family, friends, and complete strangers caught up in the same thing; an endless inferno of meetings, finals & papers, daily responsibilities, and life in general.

Isn't it high time we start taking back the small pleasures long forgotten? Smile at a stranger and dance in the rain. Buy yourself flowers or eat that one Crispy Kreme doughnut even though you are on a strict diet. Life is too short. And though I realize I do not know much, today I know that it really is worth it to take a step back and appreciate the small things in life.

the difference in awakening

I am not a morning person by any means. My snooze button on my alarm clock which is worn to the point of nonexistence is proof of that fact. But this morning, the sun was shining, I woke up in a good mood for once and realized that my life wasn't too bad at all.

THEN...I got to work and reality of the state of the world set in. Now I have been good about not bringing up my political views on here as of late (its been a few weeks) but all the loss of the life and tragedy in Iraq has left me feeling so utterly sad. I come to wonder what our country is really trying to accomplish there because the occupation in Iraq is really not defined. From the sounds of it, at this point they are just killing anyone. Reading Baghdad Burning really gave me a perspective on what our so called war on terrorism (or weapons of mass destruction) is really is doing to this country. IN essence, it offers its viewers a true insiders perspective. This morning while drinking my green tea, I read these words from this woman, who truthfully reminds me of myself, and I swear I wanted to cry. I cannot even begin to comprehend the horrible things she has experienced, seen, or how she feels. I woke up this morning happy as can be with the sun shining on my face...while this woman woke up like this :

"Now it seems we are almost literally reliving the first few days of occupation… I woke up to the sound of explosions and gunfire last night and for one terrible moment I thought someone had warped me back a whole year and we would have to relive this last year of our life over and over again… "

The world is truly a sad place to live in...WHY?

I see space & I see life.

Today I set my desktop background on my pc at work with the image of 10,000 galaxies taken by the hubble telescope. All I can say is that it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever saw...I gasped and literally saw life. It looks almost like fine art; I swear its hypnotizing. I cannot even imagine what those galaxies are like, but we would be totally ignorant to think that there was no over living beings out of ALL those galaxies. I wonder what type of beings and animals lived or still live in them. It was very eye opening and bizarre to look at the "bigger picture" of our existence. With the size of the universe, we are but the size of a pin in comparison....

off the dome

We are trapped in a world
of pain and suffering
mishaps and mayhems
broken families
with no fathers
crying mothers
asking why?
Tons of sex & drugs
Hardcore thugs
Throwing war signs on the corner
government officials lying
little children dying
on the street
being slain before our eyes
symbolizing our own demise
So many broken souls
with nothing to eat
Can it be the end?
there is no love to calm it all away
Instead we work
the daily grind of bones
leaving us empty and alone
looking to the sky for guidance
To the riddle dubbed life
we got so many problems
and are stuck in the middle
of limbo and hell
and if you can’t tell
We are losing the battle
Living in a time of hypocrisy
Is this what life is supposed to be?
Could it be the subliminal participation?
Of you, you, and yes me?