Pondering Love Sucks Ass

Why are relationships are so hard? It seems you give it all you got and yet still end up hurt. I know its just inevitable to hurt the one you love, as the old saying goes "you always hurt the ones you love"...but truthfully who else are you going to hurt? Some guy walking down the street? Of course not. I know I'm just blabbering but it's just I am so confused (there has ben some major drama in my life as of late). Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about what love really means to me, and what it really is to be in love, what boundaries I want to have with my man, and most of all...where do I start with all this past pain. Truthfully, I think that love can be sooo simple. It's people (mostly their problems, baggage, and fears) that make love so complicated.

So amidst all this thinking, the only thing I realize I want from a man (other than utter mindblowing sex of course) is that I just want to be truly accepted for who I am. One thing that I have realized from my past (and present) relationships with men (as well as my friends in general) is that people have this IDEA...a fantasy really, of what their ideal man/woman is. We contstantly strive for this person, hoping one day to find someone which possibly could be all that and a bag of chips...just like in our dreams. You meet someone who is great, fall in love, and things are grand. Mentally, all is right with the world. Til you realize that the significant other is NOt at all like your fantasies. He/she does things (or deosnt do things) which your ideal mate would never dream of doing. Maybe they have some similarities...but there is always something that you would like changed. So you try, starting this crazy and unhealthy cycle of attempting to mold someone you love very much into something you ultimately are not, just so they could fit your dreams. And everyone does it or at least has done it before in the past. Just think of all the great relationships that got squashed because someone didnt particularly like their mates...oh say lack in working out, or the fact that when they drink they smoke, or that they spend a lil too much of their own money in a way which you think is silly. WHY do we try to change others? Push their ideas, standards, and desires on people who just want to be themselves? I know that every man I ever dated wanted to change me in some way. Some did not like that I smoked, others didn't like the fact I had a lot of male friends, others did not like the fact I was so vulgar and open when people got me really upset. I'm so tired of being with people that want me to be their dreams. I'm so tired of trying to change (unconsciously) for people who don't even see me for me, but as some dillusional version of their unconsciousness which has manifested since their childhood. I realize I must do that too, in some shape or form. So, I am making a pact to accept people for who they are, for better or worse, despite my feelings or lack of feelings of their actions or thoughts.

The frosting on the cake (and what really spurred all this thinking in my head) is a list my friend emailed me of 10 ways to marry the wrong person. Ironically, #1 on the list was:

You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

These words ring truer than pretty much anything I ever read in my life. If you can't deal with how the person is before the marriage, how can a relationship survive after? What's the point in trying to change people? It always backfires into a torment of pain, anger & guilt. Its so unhealthy. I have so much to think about its crazy. Til then...a poem written by me...so respect my work & don't try to steal it please (or my puerto rican will come out and reign supreme on you)

I am not the vision you had resurrected through time
Stored inside your mind
Hoping to find
In me
Trying to mold me into your perfection
Maybe one day you will see
I cannot be what you want
I can only be me

PAZ