Tuesday, February 27, 2007

i'm a survivor

So much time has passed since my last entry on my compleximplicity that part of me was actually scared to come back to the world of blogging. I had started writing catch-up posts countless times only to delete them. Nothing seemed adequate enough; the words were meaningless and could not reflect...me. Many fluff posts had been started too, but they just seemed fake- not true representations of what I was thinking 95% of each day. No words can encapsulate everything that's happened in life the last few months so it's futile to even attempt it. All I can say is that I'm still here: surviving and trying my best to smile. Life is funny that way, when it seems you are on a downward spiral for too long and can't take it anymore, suddenly things stabilize, and suddenly, you can breathe again.

For those who have emailed me the last few months expressing concern and sending me & my family positive energy, I am thankful for your support. Even though we may never have met physically, it's nice to know I was missed and thought of. Mickie: I have been keeping up with you almost every day too (lurking in the background of course). Mexrician: I will be emailing you soon to catch up. Know my prayers are with you & your family as well. Keep your head up, chica. Yoli: thanks for your positive vibes and the email updates of politics/cultural activities in the city. One day soon we should meet up, since you live in the CHI. Somehow, I feel there's much to say. Everyone else who's dropped a note here and there, I'M BAAACKKKK!!!!

Now for the updates: I am happy to report my father is recovering from his stroke quicker than the doctors anticipated. After 3 months of suffering cabin fever, he has recently started work again, though he is still going to speech therapy twice a week. Though he may never be 100% again, he is strong in body & spirit and really seems to be happy to finally get out of the house. I must say, seeing him struggle and overcome all the hurdles he has over the last 3.5 months has shown me what a survivor he truly is and he has truly inspired me to overcome my own hurdles. And I have a lot of hurdles. In fact, it got to a point where I felt like I collected them for a while.

I started off the year saying I had no resolutions; however, almost 3 months into 2007, I seem to have made a list of them. Well, perhaps they aren't resolutions per se, but goals. This year is about me, dammit.

~ To start meditating again (this is a challenge since Mike actually sleeps with me now and he's not into "NEW AGE SHIT")
~ To sell my shit HOLE of a house (fuck this being a landlord thing, I'm going to end up killing somebody not wanting to pay me rent)
~ To finally move in with Mike (we keep putting it off and what for?)
~ To work out at least thrice a week (I'm actually going with a few co-workers during lunch starting tomorrow)
~ To visit my parents at least twice a week and spend at least 3 hours each visit (for obvious reasons)
~ To vacation as much as possible (already I have gone on 2 long weekends and have 3 more planned before the year is out)
~ To start my paper journal again (some thoughts are better left on paper...in private)
~ To actually have a social life...go to art galleries, lounges, and have dinner dates with people I love and miss (I've been much better at this the last few months)
~ Continue going to graduate school (despite the despair & panic attacks I get when people inquire what I can possibly do with a masters in sociology)
~ To stop being so nice to people who just don't deserve it

With a little determination and a smile, I know that these goals can be done. After all, I'm a survivor, just like my papi.