Friday, January 30, 2004

The good, the bad, and the UGLY


Yesterday night I went to the Linkin Park concert. Hoobastank, POD, and Story of the year also played. I'm not a huge fan, but Mike is, so we went. I have to admit that it actually was a great show. I liked Linkin Park the best because a lot of their songs have deeper meanings to them. Plus, one of their leads has a hip hop appeal to him. He even did a freestyle. When they played "in the end" (at the end of the show..Appropriately) I went crazy. This song is like my independence song when I broke up with my ex a few years back!! Anyway, I got a lil buzzed and started doing that headbanger hair thing...It was grand. There were so many young high school kids there though. This, coupled with all the beer, the stench of chronic, and energy of the place, I felt surprisingly young...Like I was a junior in high school all over again. Then 3/4 through the show...amidst all the body surfing and bopping around, I felt soooo tired. And all these little kids were still going...Like energizer bunnies..and I wanted to do was sit down and take a nap. AHHH...can it be that I have already passed the prime of my youth at the tender age of 25? How very very sad. Hee Hee.


BRRR! I'm freaking freezing. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to get gas in my car yesterday (I had a quarter of a tank), figuring I would fill up my gas this morning on the way to work. No such luck!! My gas froze. So, I had to trek my ass a mile in the blistery -15 below zero temperatures to go to the gas station to get $2 worth of gas, walk all the way back to my car, fill it up, and warm up my car. Thank god that worked. I was positive that it wasn't my battery, because its a die hard, yo..a brand new die hard!! SO, I got to work about 40 minutes late, with sopping wet socks & shoes. I absolutely hate that feeling..of wet socks. I rather have no socks on...and I wish I had a blanket. (ahhh....I an't wait for tonight when I can cuddle with my blankets & pillows). I'm quite cranky, but it's Friday, my car is working, and its payday, so it's not sooo bad. I guess there's a lesson to be learned here. That would be: "Don't be soo damn lazy & make sure my tank has enough gas to start in the cold the next morning or else I will get a nasty surprise in the morning. "

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

walking meditation

Walking Meditation
January 28, 2004

Missing you has become my walking meditation
With no hesitation
My heart sheds its skin to reveal the pain
Once caused to myself
The result of
Two sisters
With their hearts intermingled for the same man

It was not may plan
To fall so deeply in love
I had no idea
he would
Awaken my senses
Make me feel so lightheaded
yet so full of life
So light n fact
I’m walking on air

The pale reflection of what I was
Has disappeared
To reveal
My life in splendor
No longer
Emotions run through the blender
of life
Erasing the graffiti
of my mind
My heart
Which throughout my life has been denied many things
It seems
Has beat for the first time in his arms
In doing so
It also effaced the only true friend I ever knew

But how can my life
Be so right and feel so wrong?
My life
So much more than I could have dreamed
So it seems
Til I realize
you are not here
I fear life
No more friends calling
late nite chats on the phone
I know
Missed connections are the result
of my karma
The results
Only strays of the pain I caused you

As I walk through my mind
I reverse the sands of time
To call you
No deliberations about why we parted
Instead, full hearted
we laugh til we are blue in the face
Companionship still intact
We lose track
Of the past
Regret and Forgiveness runs through my veins
No more pain
In vain
For the friend I lost in love
My sister
which departed
Because I followed my heart

I continue to meditate
Bringing me to a new place
But before I can contemplate
what that is
I realize
Its Too late
Like ivy and yellow roses
once facing the sun
Now depleted
Shedding its petals in the wind
My skin
My soul
My body
yearns for a friendship

kinship to the end.
I mourn you my friend
Perhaps sooner than later
You will see
I had to follow my heart instinctively
Cuz if I didn’t
I wouldn’t be
In love
and bout to start a family
With the man
We both loved...
Except he chose me.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

whats a carnivore to do?!!!

First it was high mercury levels in fish, then it was mad cow disease, now there's THE CHICKEN FLU? Yet another thing to worry about. MSNBC - Bird flu

Orkut....Im Cuming

Orkut Every one knows that Google just took down their friendster knock off dubbed Orkut. But did you know that the word Orkut means "to cum" in Finnish slang - literally, to orgasm? I thought that was kinda cool. :)

Just Another Day Around The Way...

Today its snowing like crazy in chi-town. I woke up to the sound of snowblowers and fierce winds that shook my windows. I looked outside and the snow took my breath away. It really is beautiful, covering everything in sight with a blanket of white. That is, until I had to unbury my car to go to work. And since I'm..oh...lets just say borderline midget, by the time, I was done wiping it all down, I somehow got all the snow which accumulated on my ride...all over me. Needless to say, when I got to work all waterlogged, I drank a lot of tea to warm up.

Since its been so cold lately, this past weekend was a movie weekend. Me & my baby stayed in on Saturday and watched blockbuster movies all night (more specifically "the life of David gale" and "bend it like beckham"). And on Sunday, I took my cousins out for their birthday to see "The butterfly Effect" (their birthday falls within a week from each other). Bend it like Beckham was good, But both the Butterfly Effect & The life of David Gale KICKED ASS. I mean if you haven't seen them yet, what the hell are you waitin' for?!!! Make it a blockbutser night and or/ go see a matinee. I promise you won't be disappointed.

I was surprised that the Butterfly effect was so good, especially since at first I didn't feel comfortable seeing Ashton doing anything else but satirical comedy. But he was actually pretty good in this movie. Even though I have to admit that in a few scenes I did have to giggle. It kinda reminded of me of a modern yet twisted "its a wonderful life". But instead of him not wanting to live anymore and finding out how fucked up his loved ones lives would be without him, the character tries to change the past and discovers the same thing. Everyone would be fucked up. It had everything from action, suspense, love, and a lil kiddie porn. hee hee...JUST WATCH THE MOVIE DAMN IT.

As for the Life of David Gale, it has so many twists and turns that I didn't even want to get up to piss save I lose an important clue on what was really happening. Seriously, Kevin Spacey is a great actor. I love the fact that he chooses such "bizarre" roles in movies that actually make you think. So few movies nowadays have a plot, and its nice to watch something that you can actually have a conversation about later.

Yesterday was my interview for a part time position. It was glorified telemarketing, in an inbound call center environment. People would call in because they saw a job in the paper & I would interview them. If their skills matched what the job called for, I would schedule them for a face to face. In the ad, they said they paid anywhere from 8-10 an hour. SO I said, fuck it let me give it a shot. I don't have anything to do after my full time job anyways & I sure could really use the money. BUT...they had the audacity to lie about the starting wage. Turns out, during training, they would start me at $6 an hour, and when I was fully trained (its a 3 step process), I would negotiate my pay. This could take anywhere from 2 weeks to months depending on how THEY feel I perform. What type of shit is that? What even sadder was that it was a group interview, so there was like 30 of us there. You should have seen our faces when they told us its ony $6 an hour. What a joke and a waste of my time. Oh well. That's my life.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Dreams remind us of our greatest fears & fantasies

It's rare for me to remember my dreams. I must block them out for some strange, incomprehensible reason. But last night I had some strange, kinda scary dreams, which lead me to believe that I must have many many deep ridden fears which I haven't been able to really grasp thus far in my life. In my dreams, I am always running from something or someone trying to hurt me, or worse yet...kill me. My longest running nightmare is when the living dead is roaming the city/state/country/world, and somehow through some twisted hand of fate, its up to my chicken ass to save the world. I hate that dream and it always resurfaces ever since I was a child when my brother used to chase me around the house saying "BRAINS!!! I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!" Thanks to him, I will never watch another living dead movie for as long as I live.

anyway, I am getting off the subject of my post. Before I start to tell you what my dreams last night were, let it be said that last night, I meditated, using a guided meditation cd meant for clearing all my chakras (for those who don't know, I'm all about meditating and the whole chakra theory really does hold some water, atleast for me). Anyway, I must have accidentally put my cd player on repeat, thus my chakra clearing mediation was running for about...oh...5 hours. I always (I mean always) fall asleep 3/4 of the way through the meditation. That soothing voice and light music just lulls me to sleep after a while, providing me with the most awesome sleep ever most of the time.

Well last night I did sleep extremely well, but I had me some crazy dreams.

Dream one: There is a big party at my house (which really wasn't my house, but in my was). Friends, family, people I didn't even know were there. WE all go outside to bar-b-que, and there's like this lil creek right off my back yard. All is hunky dory until...Suddenly the wind is howling, and a EVIL SPIRIT is floating through the air..taking over peoples body's and killing them, then floating on to other people. It was sooo creepy. I actually felt the spirit go right past me....Then I woke up.

Dream two: Me & my boyfriend were getting ready to leave his house to go out (where..I have no clue). Suddenly, the sun gets all big (swollen with sun flares and everything bursting out of it). It gets real hot. Crazy hot. I look up..and the fucken sun explodes. It was sooo bright I couldn't see anything for a good minute, so I just hold on to my baby's arm and we get in the car. There is ashes and fire everywhere. People on the ground dead. It was crazy. At this point, We said fuck it, lets get back in the house. WE run back in. Turn on the tv and were informed that the sun exploded, to stay in our houses and try to block up all the areas where air gets into the house (like under the door, the fireplace, etc). It was crazy man. I swear. Last thing I remember about this dream is that I was trying to call my parents to see if they were alright and we were checking to see how much food we actually had in stock because it might be a while before we get any help.

So what the fuck do these dreams mean? I truly do believe that dreams are subliminal messages from your innermost feelings, fears, fantasies. BUT WHAT THE HELL? And while we are on the subject...why do I only remember the bad dreams? Why can't I dream about getting it on with say...Vin Diesel or chilling in Jamaica with my gurls smoking on some flame bud & drinking a pina colada? I just don't get it.

I know some people actually say they can interpret dreams. Like supposedly, having a baby in your dreams doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get knocked up in the near future. It supposedly means, there will be a great change in your life, a sort of rebirth. But what does evil spirits in the air and the sun exploding have to do with my life? I haven't been watching any scary/crazy tv shows and I haven't picked up a book in over a week (I very sad, but true).

Anyway, I end this post with saying HAPPY FRIDAY! Its supposed to snow over the weekend here in Chicago. If it snows enough I MIGHT go snowboarding. It would be my second time actually doing it so I am still on the bunny hill. I enjoy it...but I really SUCK. MEAN REALLY SUCK. I suck so bad, in fact, that my snowboarding instructor last year said last year that she never had a student that fell down as much as me, yet was so determined to learn cuz I kept picking my self and starting over. What a blow yet a compliment at the same time. Oh well. AT least I'm determined, right?


Thursday, January 22, 2004

The Martians have made their point...

HMMMM... Coincidence? Nope. It seems they really do not want us exploring their planet. Maybe BUSH will take the hint and put our money in a place where it will actually make a difference in somebody's life. (i doubt it though).

Welcome the year of the green wooden monkey!

Today is the chinese new year...the year of the green wooden monkey. I never really paid much attention to chinese Astrology except for briefly browsing over it at the new star's chinese restaurant (that my fav chinese restuarant) placemats long enough to figure out I was a horse. Being that its the new year & all i was looking around (obviously bored to the point of death at work) and found an interesting site which takes into account not only the year you were born, but also the hour, day. month & location of your birth. COOL!!! Turns out Im a White Cow, born in the year of Brown Horse, equivalent to Metal. According to my lucky element is wood and my lucky color is green. Taking that into consideration (that this year is both green & wooden), maybe this means that this year will present itself better than the last few years. I dunno. But gotta be optimistic, don't I?

By the way...I just added a new feature into my blog: blog back. Now people can comment about things I write about,talk shit to me, shoot the breeze, whatever. I was think i can post questions, random thoughts & people could post back their opinions or answers. I was planning on asking some deep, introspective question to start it off which would make people really think, but as I sit here with my green tea staring at the screen, my minds a blank. So fuck it. Another day another time. In the mean time, Feel free to express ur mind. PAZ

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

State of the Union Address

I forgot to mention, I did NOT watch the state of the union address. Primarily because I know that everything that comes out of the monkey of a man's mouth is either bullshit or ignorance/stupidity. All that comes to mind is : how did this guy get elected. Nevermind, I was there. I really hope that people start seeing what a dumb ass he is before its too late and he gets reelected, driving us deeper and deeper into ecomonic depression, excess taxes, etc etc. I say lets do to him what he did to our nation...flush him down the drain!!!

Here however is a nice summation of the Bush administration courtesy of an independent UK news site:

give yourself a hug today..its send a hug day!

Today is officially "send a hug day"...not because today has any real significance to hugs, but because hallmark & its affiliates want to improve their bottom line. I know that such days are manmade "hallmark" holidays meant to drive the mass public into buying hysteria year yound, yet...I really enjoy learning about these bizarre holidays. And what's wrong with giving hugs out anyway?

Funny enough when I sending my brother a send a hug e-card, I also duly noted that today was also Squirrel Appreciation Day. (nope, I am not jesting!!!) Check it out. HA! HA! Can you say "what the fuck?" (with a look of astonishment and slight terror).

This morning was spent drinking my Mighty Leaf Tropical green tea and spewing out poetry. Here goes a lil of it below. What can I say, Im so bored at work, I gotta pass the time somehow. Let it be said anyone who tries to imitate, infiltrate, and steal my shit will get my wrath. :) Enough said.

Fallen Tears & Shattered Dreams
January 21, 2004

Tears fall for
Words that never meant to be heard
Actions never meant to be done
Looks that may or may not have been there
All Tumbling through my mind
making my own body foreign even from itself

So quickly things turn from day to night
Jumping up to slap me
An unsuspecting love struck victim
in the face
It happened so fast that
I blinked and missed it
Leaving shattered dreams in it wake

There will be No children of yours filling my womb
No more dreams of playing in the park with our perrito, chuleta
As tears rim my eyes
I say a somber goodbye
To Our legs intertwined the whole night through
Night after night
After night
for the rest of our lives

There is so much that has been undone
From words that never meant to be heard
Actions that never meant to be done
And looks that may or not have been there

I sit and contemplate the meaning alone
AS it slowly imparts a dark cloud of deadweight
On my mental state

© K.S. 2004

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

this is a test

WOW! My first attempt at a new blog. WHOO HOOO!!! Hopefully, it wont be like the countless other blogs I have started, posted one or two things on, and got bored with over the ages. Now that I have a SUPER boring corporate job, I find I have soo much time to just write. I might as well write my own lil blog to expel some of that boredom away.

Anyways, about me:
25 years young. mexirican. ghetto intelectual. poetess. extremely nice but if you do me wrong, the puerto rican will reign supreme on you arse. Peace loving. Laughter bringing. Booty hopping. Book worm ( I Love to read, but don't do it enough). Green tea ADDICT (no, i'm not kidding). Tequila Lover. Procrastinator. Lover, fighter, philosopher all wrapped togther. Student of life & lifes lesson.
I know there is soo much more to me that words cannot describe, but for now thats the list.

Its a new year & still hasn't hit me. For some reason, my life seems like a dream, bordering between nightmare mode & those dreams where you dream about something & you wonder what the hell you drank or ate (or what you prehaps saw on tv) that created such distorted images into your life.

Don't get me wrong, my life isn't horrible, but somehow along the way the last few years I somehow found that I have lost sight of all my goals and dreams. OH WHERE DID THEY GO??!! Somehow those dreams have faded away, and suddenly I have no idea what to do with my life. My friend Tony says I am going through a mid life crisis, except I'm only in my 20s!!! Go Figure. SO I have sat down with my pen & pad & started writing down all the things I want to accomplish. Simple things from reading one of my poems in an open mic (I'm an open mic virgin) to saving for my house, to getting my masters degree. NOW..i need a realisitic plan of action.

I wish I wasnt such a libra. Things in my life would be so easier. I am so overanalytical I often times can't decide on things and end up in a state of perpetual stagnation...even for small things. Shit! I remember as a child, when my godfather took me to disneyland and wanted me to pick a stuffed animal to take home as a momento. I swear, I stood there for a good 20 minutes deciding between minnie mouse or goofy. Just when I was leaning towards goofy, my godfather just picked minnie mouse and thats what I got stuck with. I just dont want my life to immitate that!! If I dont get my shit togther and start making decisions...I might miss out on my goofy.