i'm a survivor

So much time has passed since my last entry on my compleximplicity that part of me was actually scared to come back to the world of blogging. I had started writing catch-up posts countless times only to delete them. Nothing seemed adequate enough; the words were meaningless and could not reflect...me. Many fluff posts had been started too, but they just seemed fake- not true representations of what I was thinking 95% of each day. No words can encapsulate everything that's happened in life the last few months so it's futile to even attempt it. All I can say is that I'm still here: surviving and trying my best to smile. Life is funny that way, when it seems you are on a downward spiral for too long and can't take it anymore, suddenly things stabilize, and suddenly, you can breathe again.

For those who have emailed me the last few months expressing concern and sending me & my family positive energy, I am thankful for your support. Even though we may never have met physically, it's nice to know I was missed and thought of. Mickie: I have been keeping up with you almost every day too (lurking in the background of course). Mexrician: I will be emailing you soon to catch up. Know my prayers are with you & your family as well. Keep your head up, chica. Yoli: thanks for your positive vibes and the email updates of politics/cultural activities in the city. One day soon we should meet up, since you live in the CHI. Somehow, I feel there's much to say. Everyone else who's dropped a note here and there, I'M BAAACKKKK!!!!

Now for the updates: I am happy to report my father is recovering from his stroke quicker than the doctors anticipated. After 3 months of suffering cabin fever, he has recently started work again, though he is still going to speech therapy twice a week. Though he may never be 100% again, he is strong in body & spirit and really seems to be happy to finally get out of the house. I must say, seeing him struggle and overcome all the hurdles he has over the last 3.5 months has shown me what a survivor he truly is and he has truly inspired me to overcome my own hurdles. And I have a lot of hurdles. In fact, it got to a point where I felt like I collected them for a while.

I started off the year saying I had no resolutions; however, almost 3 months into 2007, I seem to have made a list of them. Well, perhaps they aren't resolutions per se, but goals. This year is about me, dammit.

~ To start meditating again (this is a challenge since Mike actually sleeps with me now and he's not into "NEW AGE SHIT")
~ To sell my shit HOLE of a house (fuck this being a landlord thing, I'm going to end up killing somebody not wanting to pay me rent)
~ To finally move in with Mike (we keep putting it off and what for?)
~ To work out at least thrice a week (I'm actually going with a few co-workers during lunch starting tomorrow)
~ To visit my parents at least twice a week and spend at least 3 hours each visit (for obvious reasons)
~ To vacation as much as possible (already I have gone on 2 long weekends and have 3 more planned before the year is out)
~ To start my paper journal again (some thoughts are better left on paper...in private)
~ To actually have a social life...go to art galleries, lounges, and have dinner dates with people I love and miss (I've been much better at this the last few months)
~ Continue going to graduate school (despite the despair & panic attacks I get when people inquire what I can possibly do with a masters in sociology)
~ To stop being so nice to people who just don't deserve it

With a little determination and a smile, I know that these goals can be done. After all, I'm a survivor, just like my papi.

internal observation number 1

Why is it that I'm so hard on myself ?
Why, when I foul up, am I so disappointed in ME ?
Being an over-acheiver in every sense of the word, I hate the feeling of failure

I know everyone makes mistakes, and that its part of life. But, its especially hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my hands (or my words) did more harm than good.

Hours have passed and I am still fuming at my stupid mistake. While everyone else seemed so forgiving of me, I could not let my actions go without nagging myself with shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

I know all that negative energy can't be good for anyone, yet I can't stop from over-internalizing all my own fears and flaws whenever I fall in life.

Thus, my goal of the day is to realize I'm only human and more importantly just to Get over it!!

and all the stars were in alignment...

SCORE!!! I got a second interview scheduled for next week. This calls for some tequila! Keep your fingers crossed for me...

another chapter in my life ending...

Today I walked out on my job, with nothing but a bunch of my accumulated crap I had in my desk and solemn prayers that the lord has bigger and better places for me to be than that SHIT HOLE I called a job for the last year and a half.

UGH, what assholes!!!

The skinny: Recently, I was given a raise only for it to be re-nigged on me today. That, on top of increasing amount of 12 hour work days and RECEIVING NO BONUS as stated in my contract, I told them "YOU CAN TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVEL IT..." as I threw them the peace sign.

While I am scared shitless that I just threw myself deeper in shit that I already am financially, I am hopeful. It just gets to a point where you just can't take being taken advantage of anymore. I do at least 4 peoples job, mind you, and I know damn well they can afford this raise. But, that raise probably meant the difference between the regional director getting a bonus or not. Needless to say, it was the last straw. Actually, I had been at that boiling point for a while; just putting in the bare minimum until I found something else comparable. But, alas, it was meant to be this way and there's no way I am going back...after all I can always waitress. If you break it down by hour I probably would get paid about the same considering the long hours I put in vs the time I would be waitressing.

But, no worries, I have quite a few open opportunities elsewhere that seem very promising. In the meanwhile, is anyone in the Chicago area looking for a know-it-all education manager and/or Marketing Manager and/or real estate property manager? If so, I am available IMMEDIATELY...and please...

...say a prayer for me. I just dove off a cliff...yet I feel like a ton of bricks has just been lifted off my chest!!!

t minus 5 days and counting...

Sunday July 24th will be doomsday for my former self (meaning ->present me). It's on that very day that I will cease smoking and become a non smoker. It's time. My body is feeling it after all these years (over ten years off & on - mostly on). I have tried many times to do it, but this time is different. For one, I have been planning it for months and mentally preparing more & more as each day passes. I gave myself until that date to say goodbye to killing myself. Secondly, have you noticed but cigarette have crack prices attached to them? The tobacco companies are glorified drug pushers.

But I am digressing...so bear with me. I still remember my first time smoking. Me & my papi had gotten into an argument; he put me on punishment. While he was getting ready for work, I stole one of his cigarettes: a True brand cigarette. I remember smoking it in my room and how I instantly fell in love with the feel of smoke coming out of my mouth. The rest is history. One cig stolen from papi turned into three, to somehow getting it under the table, to buying it legally.

It's funny, but I have hid this part of myself from my family for years (specially since abuelito died from emphysema and cancer due to smoking).

But aside from all that, I am tired of living this livestyle. Ya know ? Some may ask, and often do, why that date? Well, its my 3 year anniversary with my kick ass bf. Kinda cheesy yeah, but to me it made perfect sense: its kinda symbolic of what I decided to live for. Wish me luck!!

P.S. I apologize in advance to anyone I may appear bitchy to in the coming months, that includes all my readers!! It's my withdrawals talking, not me !!

this is me..happy

Before I go to bed, I just HAD to share with the world. Today in yoga class, I was able to do this !!! yeah for me :D

another page turns toward higher education...

Today was a milestone in my life...I actually applied to gradute school and filed my FASFA! After 4 long years of being homework and lecture free, I have decided to once again join the masses of intellectuals in classroom learning....I know its strange, but I feel like my mind is turning to mush without any intellectual stimulation. So, wish me luck in getting in...


here I come!!!