i'm a survivor

So much time has passed since my last entry on my compleximplicity that part of me was actually scared to come back to the world of blogging. I had started writing catch-up posts countless times only to delete them. Nothing seemed adequate enough; the words were meaningless and could not reflect...me. Many fluff posts had been started too, but they just seemed fake- not true representations of what I was thinking 95% of each day. No words can encapsulate everything that's happened in life the last few months so it's futile to even attempt it. All I can say is that I'm still here: surviving and trying my best to smile. Life is funny that way, when it seems you are on a downward spiral for too long and can't take it anymore, suddenly things stabilize, and suddenly, you can breathe again.

For those who have emailed me the last few months expressing concern and sending me & my family positive energy, I am thankful for your support. Even though we may never have met physically, it's nice to know I was missed and thought of. Mickie: I have been keeping up with you almost every day too (lurking in the background of course). Mexrician: I will be emailing you soon to catch up. Know my prayers are with you & your family as well. Keep your head up, chica. Yoli: thanks for your positive vibes and the email updates of politics/cultural activities in the city. One day soon we should meet up, since you live in the CHI. Somehow, I feel there's much to say. Everyone else who's dropped a note here and there, I'M BAAACKKKK!!!!

Now for the updates: I am happy to report my father is recovering from his stroke quicker than the doctors anticipated. After 3 months of suffering cabin fever, he has recently started work again, though he is still going to speech therapy twice a week. Though he may never be 100% again, he is strong in body & spirit and really seems to be happy to finally get out of the house. I must say, seeing him struggle and overcome all the hurdles he has over the last 3.5 months has shown me what a survivor he truly is and he has truly inspired me to overcome my own hurdles. And I have a lot of hurdles. In fact, it got to a point where I felt like I collected them for a while.

I started off the year saying I had no resolutions; however, almost 3 months into 2007, I seem to have made a list of them. Well, perhaps they aren't resolutions per se, but goals. This year is about me, dammit.

~ To start meditating again (this is a challenge since Mike actually sleeps with me now and he's not into "NEW AGE SHIT")
~ To sell my shit HOLE of a house (fuck this being a landlord thing, I'm going to end up killing somebody not wanting to pay me rent)
~ To finally move in with Mike (we keep putting it off and what for?)
~ To work out at least thrice a week (I'm actually going with a few co-workers during lunch starting tomorrow)
~ To visit my parents at least twice a week and spend at least 3 hours each visit (for obvious reasons)
~ To vacation as much as possible (already I have gone on 2 long weekends and have 3 more planned before the year is out)
~ To start my paper journal again (some thoughts are better left on paper...in private)
~ To actually have a social life...go to art galleries, lounges, and have dinner dates with people I love and miss (I've been much better at this the last few months)
~ Continue going to graduate school (despite the despair & panic attacks I get when people inquire what I can possibly do with a masters in sociology)
~ To stop being so nice to people who just don't deserve it

With a little determination and a smile, I know that these goals can be done. After all, I'm a survivor, just like my papi.

mi madre...my hero

Today it marks 53 wonderful years of life that my talented and beautiful mother has shared with the world. I don't talk much about her, but let it be known that I am a splitting image of my mom and that she is my hero. I look so much like her that, in fact, on more than one occasion when I have seen older pictures of her, I think it's actually of me (hah hah - true story). I used to hate that fact with every atom of my being, but now I thrive off it. I figure if I can be half the woman she is inside and out, well, I'm doing pretty darn good in life.

What can I say about my moms? Mi madre is a kind and giving soul and truly is the glue to our family, both nuclear and extended alike. The oldest of 12 brother and sisters, she has wiped many asses in her days and can cook a hell of a meal. Other thing that makes my mom...well mom...is her love for working out (she works out religiously- like 5 or 6 days a week), reads trashy romance novels likes nobody's business, always watches QVC (it's like crack to her), dances to salsa/meringue songs that play in her mind while she cleans & cooks , and is addicted to playing online games while she's working. She has a killer smile and snorts sometimes when she laughs (thats when you can tell shes the happiest). Even though she drives an old rickety saturn half the time, when it's nice outside - she pimps out in my dad's Chrysler Sybring convertible - doned with her pink sunglasses & blaring salsa music doing her little happy dance behind the wheel - she's the most beautiful thing to behold.


FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, MADRE. I love you more than words can possibly say!

familia service announcement

I have been informed by a few sources that a few of my family members have been keeping up with my writing on this blog. And while I knew subconsciously that they may have one way or another found out about my (ever so public) writing vehicle, I never thought they would keep tabs on me. Since I have found out about this, suddenly I find myself hesitant to disclose certain facts about my life and wondering what they will think or say to some about some of my writing and/or thoughts.

That being said, my writing lately has been "carefully" written as not to disclose certain things or delve too deeply into facets of myself which my family may deem...ahem...naughty or surprising.

Well...no more! I shall fight the desire to be anything but myself. My writing is an extension of me, and dammit, I shall not be ashamed of who I am. So, my dear family members (you know who you are): if I shall offend you in any way and/or disclose something about me which you feel the need to gossip about behind my back, so be it. I am always open for discussion about anything and everything I write (if you know me at all, you know I am down for lively discussion any day of the week). Instead of animosity, hopefully, by reading my blog, you all should come to know me better, and just maybe-MAYBE-respect me a little more than you did in the past.

Peace n love to all (especially my blood).

wedding talk

from left to right: me, madre, brother, new sister in law, papi

Well, Saturday was my brothers wedding and it went off without a hitch (apart from that crazy cop who threatened to tow our limo when we went to take pictures at the Adler Planetarium - but that's another story all-together). What else can I say about the joyous day (which over 200 people attended) except that both the bride and groom were as happy as school kids in love. As for me, I have learned I have developed a LOVE-HATE relationship with standing up in weddings...especially big weddings.

Behold the top 5 pros and cons of standing up in a wedding
created by: dragonflypurity
Pros
1. You get the whole up close and personal experience with the happy couple: i.e. seeing the pre- chapel jitters, standing so close to them during the vows you can touch them, and traveling in style in the limo dammit !!!
2. You look damn hot, baby (so hot in fact the boyfriend can't keep his eyes and hands off you)
3. The traditional bridesmaid/groomsmen gifts you get as a thank you for everything
4. Experiencing the feeling of joy, hope, and excitement that only a wedding of someone you love can bring you
5. Did I mention the limo ?

Cons
1. A smile needs to be plastered on your face the whole time. In my experience, your cheeks will hurt and will need at least a full day to heal
2. All the damn pictures you need to take...due to the proximity of me & the happy couple, I know there are probably some scary looking pictures out there with me scowling, adjusting my bra area, or just plain looking crazy. Let's just hope they don't circulate the internet on snapfish or something. (Oh well)
3. Do to all the planning, running around, and other responsibilities of being in the wedding party, you really don't have time to actually ENJOY the wedding until it's extremely late at night. And by that time: you are so freakin' tired that your feet are throbbing & all you can think about is slipping into a nice hot bath then some comfy sweatpants
4. Not spending any time with the significant other you want to spend the rest of your life with - which, coincidentally, was not part of the wedding party
5. Between the compounded pain of wearing your shoes and/or dress for a good 18.5 hours AND the hangover you have the day afterward, you feel like somebody just kicked your @ss something fierce

did I miss anything ?!!

remembering felipe

happy b-day abuelito..

Today marks what would have been my grandpa's 77th birthday. And despite the fact he was a loner and we barely spoke more than an hour or so straight in my life, today I find myself thinking of him constantly.

As I said before, Felipe was a quiet man: he kept to himself and stood somewhat in the shadows when it came to family life. He was born and raised in Aguadilla, PUERTO RICO - a small fishing town located on the island's northwest corner and loved to drink and smoke (much like myself, I might add). He had 12 children with my grandma (I know they were freaky freaks) - of which mi madre is the eldest. From what I hear he was one hell of a salsa dancer. OH, and he LOVED baseball - he was forever a White Sox fan. I only wish he was around to cherish their championship last year. He would have just died (no pun intended). In any case, in 2001 he died of emphysema which progressed into lung cancer, which was due to smoking heavily for most of his life. I will never forget, despite the pain he endured with his illness, how he smoked cigarettes to his last day on earth.

It's sad that everything I ever knew about my grandpa could be summarized into one short paragraph. With that said, I shed a tear of sorrow with the revelation that I will never truly know the man my grandpa really was.

time for another revelation...

Yesterday I took a look at my parents and for the first time in my entire life, saw the reality of how old they are getting. They both looked suddenly shrunken and spots like their hands, legs, and areas around their eyes were starting to look and feel like mis abuelitos (my grandparents). Even though they are relatively young - in early 50s, I started just PLAIN freaking out.

Yesterday, while we were all sitting down for dinner, I started to feel sad thinking about how, in fact, my time is so limited with them. I do try to make it over to visit them at least twice a week - either after work or on the weekends - ya know, between the hustle and bustle of life. But even those few hours a week, is limited in many ways. Just contemplating this fear, I panicked even, thinking and begging for more time with them.

There's still so much I want to share....Things I vow to share like:

~ I have yet to learn 1/2 of the glorious recipes my mom has stored in her membrane

~ Learn more about my dad & moms first years in the USA (like yesterday I learned that 1/2 of my dad's family was forced to pick grapes and live in concentration camp like conditions just to survive - how does one go almost 30 years of her life without knowing something that significant about her papi?!!)

~ Invite them to my house to enjoy a glorious dinner I made specifically for them JUST BECAUSE

~ Go on a family trip together; its been at least a decade...

~ Have them witness my marriage and/or experience being grandparents (between me & my brother, they are getting impatient lemme tell you)


I don't want to bore you with the rest; the list is extensive. It's funny how things come out of nowhere and hit you HARD. All I can say is that I left their house with my eyes wide open last night- knowing that every moment shared with them - no matter how insignificant was precious.

recipe swap time

Hey all. I have got googled a hell of a lot the last two days by people looking for a good flan recipe. While my aunt would kill me for broadcasting the family recipe on here, I really don't give a care. Its the season of sharing, and that's what I intend to do. Here is the THE BEST flan de leche recipe you will ever try. Trust me, try it! It's sooo easy to make and people will be knocking on your door for more guaranteed!!

Figueroa Flan (flan de leche)

You will need:
1/2 a cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
1 tbsp vanilla extract (not imitation extract either!!!)
1 can of evaporated milk
1 can of sweetened condensed milk
8"-9" inch pie pan

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

In a pot, melt the sugar until it becomes liquefied. Once melted, pour the sugar evenly into the bottom of the cake pan. Be very careful it will be very HOT!! Then, in a bowl take your eggs and beat the hell out of them until there are lots and lots of bubbles (I'm talking big bubbles). You can use a blender to do this, but I think it tastes better when its mixed by hand. Add the tablespon of vanilla extract to the eggs and beat them again really well. After that, add the carnation sweetened and evaporated milk to the bowl. Mix very well for the last time. Once finished place the mixture in the 8" round cake pan. It is ready to be cooked.

Now, you will be indirectly cooking the flan in a double boiler type fashion. Place the 8"-9" round cake pan into a larger pan with a few inches of water in it (I use a roasting pan). NOTE: They are separate - the flan is in the 8" round cake and there should be just enough water in the larger pan to cook the flan indirectly - just a few inches will do. Bake the flan in the oven for about 45 minutes at 375 degrees.

It will be ready when the masa lightly yields to the touch without feeling overly sticky. When done, let cool for about an hour, then refrigerate with a cover over it. Please note to cook your flan about 12-24 hours in advance so it has time to set perfectly...When ready to serve, invert the pan onto a plate and viola!! Flan de Figueroa

There it is ladies and gentleman...ENJOY!! (but shh don't tell my aunt -she'd kill me!!)

turkey day with a latino twist

I have a simple question: How do you and your family celebrate and give thanks on Thanksgiving? We all know historically the family and/or friends gather around the bird and get their grub on. But nowadays: what does that food consist of ? And how does that food represent you? I have come to realize that each culture and furthermore, each family's celebration is as unique as the food they eat.

For example: my family (on my moms side) is 100% Boriqua. I am not lying when I say I have 12 aunts and uncles and about 30 cousins JUST ON HER SIDE. Needless to say, it's a madhouse: children playing and running around the house, people sitting at every available crevice trying to get a glimpse of the tv, others deep in conversation and/or playing a good hand of casino (an addictive card game I think my family actually made up) or dominos...all rimmed over with Marc Anthony playing in the background. Not only that, the food has a definite ethnic flavor to it. We have our turkey, yes - But season it with garlic, sazon, adobo, and sofrito. But, we also serve honey ham, pernir (roasted pork & my personal favorite), pasteles (PR tamales if you will --> see below for a recipe), arroz con gandules, stuffing, sweet potatoes, and loaf upon loaf of HOT FRENCH BREAD drenched in butter (if you didn't know, now you do - puerto ricans LOVE their bread.) And that doesn't even include dessert, rich in cakes, pies, and my personal favorite: FLAN.

On my dads side (the side of my mexican heritage), Thanksgiving is not just only a day. They celebrate with food for about 3-4 days straight, with each consecutive day afterwards an extension of Thanksgiving. It was crazy: Everyday there was another menu to choose from (and I think I gained about 10 pounds afterward). They served everything from turkey to home made pozole (pork & hominy soup..yummy), to carnitas and barbacoa, flautas, and pollo con mole. Unfortunately, I never really spend much time with this side, as they are scattered throughout California and I live in Chicago. The memories I do have, however, are lace with food and laughter.

Anyway, I just want to send a happy turkey day wish to everyone. No matter who your with or what you eat, I hope this weekend is full of laughter, love, and lots and lots of FOOD!!! Care to share some grub with me? C'mon!!!!

state street shopping, girls night out style

Hi all. Every once and a while all the women of the family get together for a night on the town. Tonight we went to downtown chicago for hours filled of christmas shopping, giggling, and just enjoying the sights of State Street, including the Windows at /marshall Fields and the tree at Daley Plaza. Below is a pic of a few of us at the foot of Chicago's x-mas tree which is not as big as the one in New york but is big enough to make us look like ants.


from right to left: me, cousin Dee, titi carmen & Titi Jenny

"in this great future you can't forget your past" ~ Bob Marley ~

This weekend was like a walk down memory lane for me. My parents were doing some spring cleaning, and in the process, brought out scores of old photo albums, santa clause letters I wrote as a child, and various drawings & cards...I mean mounds upon mounds of stuff. It brought back sooo many long forgotten memories that I didn't even know existed. It was really strange to see baby pictures of me, with diapers on and a bottle in my mouth; I can't believe I was ever that small and precious!!

While browsing through the all pictures and drawings of my past, so many emotions came over me. I realized that 1) I had a great childhood ( I was always happy, smiling and posing all crazy for the camera), 2) I really DO bare an uncanny resemblance to my mother when she was younger (its scary..does that mean I'm doomed to become her?!!), and most importantly, 3) I realized how time really does fly (at times I was like "WOW! I remember that day - and I was only 3 years old). If anything this weekend was positive just for those revelations on my past.

On the other hand, It's really a shame that my family doesn't take pictures anymore. I realized how many great memories that have recently gone by without any type of picture being taken. Now that everyone in the family is all grown up, it seems that we're all just are too busy to immortalize Christmas, birthdays, and bar-b-ques like we used to. What’s even sadder is that I have 2 cameras (3 if you count my poloraid) and they are just gathering dust in the corner of my room. So, being the forward thinker that I am, I will dust them off and use photography as one of my many outlets for creativity...maybe in the process I can somehow capture the true essence of the future's past and make a few memories I can look back on along the way.