Friday, September 14, 2007

back to life...


Yet another huge chunk of of time has passed since my last post. Alas, I have been busy trying to find myself and enjoying the last bits of summer as much as possible. Well, that, and the fact that I have been suffering from a supreme case of writers block. However, after browsing the archives of my beloved blog, an old and familiar spark emerged from within. Suddenly, I wanted to write. Reading so many things I wrote about and thought aloud about in years' past suddenly reminded me of the comfort of just letting it all out.

Part of me stayed away so long because I felt my live has become trivial...methodic...boring. AND, I refuse to be yet another blogger which writes about what she ate, what she watched on tv, and how life sucks. Despite bouts of depression and poverty over the last few months, life has been good. I have travelled a few times, been working out regularly, and slowly getting out of debt. However, just like my ever-shrinking audience, my world has wilted to the size of a pea. Confession: I have turned into a hermit. I don't know if it has been work, my relationship, my friends (or shall I say lack of friends that actually are there in thick and thin), or even my own self esteem holding me back, but truth is: I have enclosed myself from the world lately and have been scared to step back in. I felt gray inside. This, I decided this morning as I looked into the mirror, has got to change. I am too young to feel like I am dead inside.

So, I decided to chop all my hair off. It's kinda a symbolic new beginning of sorts. Out with the old, in with the new...loosing all past baggage..ya know what I mean. Actually, if I had the balls to shave it completely, I would. HAH! My boyfriend's going to freak! It's so dramatic of a change, the mutt might not even recognize me when I walk in the front door!

Talking about the boyfriend and the mutt, I FURTHER promise myself not to stay in the confines of my house knitting the night away, awaiting a call from the boyfriend saying he's on his way home, asking if there's food to eat, or even declaring that he's staying out later than usual. Even more, I will venture out to invitations of delightful outings, food, and dancing - solo if I have to, despite the fact the mutt will be all by himself yet again. I refuse to let life pass by while I sit on my couch wondering what could have been. Some of you may be thinking that I am saying all this as a sort of rebellion against my relationship. But that is not the case at all: I am not made at Mike, yet instead am mad at myself for letting my spark, my life, my smile...just slip away...if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, it feels good to promise myself these things. It feels good to chop off my hair and to see my smile, which was just this morning hidden by layers of hair and self doubt. It feels good to do things just because I CAN...It feels good to remember I am young and not old, that I am beautiful inside and out and despite everything, that life is worth living fully and to be savored like prime rib. And damn, I am hungry..I am eager to once again taste it's nectar....

4 comments:

Brady Frequent Traveler & Eater said...

go for it!

Duo said...

Hey you. About time you came back to us, your internet friends! Nobody can love you like we love you. =)

I too, have been looking through my archives. Ive been doing best of posts for september. Perhaps you could do something similar, to share some of your favs with us. =)

Nice to have you back. =)

Mexirican said...

Hey how is everything? school? love life? family?

Mickelodeon said...

Welcome back! I just checked in and was so pleased to see a new post! =)w