i'm a survivor

So much time has passed since my last entry on my compleximplicity that part of me was actually scared to come back to the world of blogging. I had started writing catch-up posts countless times only to delete them. Nothing seemed adequate enough; the words were meaningless and could not reflect...me. Many fluff posts had been started too, but they just seemed fake- not true representations of what I was thinking 95% of each day. No words can encapsulate everything that's happened in life the last few months so it's futile to even attempt it. All I can say is that I'm still here: surviving and trying my best to smile. Life is funny that way, when it seems you are on a downward spiral for too long and can't take it anymore, suddenly things stabilize, and suddenly, you can breathe again.

For those who have emailed me the last few months expressing concern and sending me & my family positive energy, I am thankful for your support. Even though we may never have met physically, it's nice to know I was missed and thought of. Mickie: I have been keeping up with you almost every day too (lurking in the background of course). Mexrician: I will be emailing you soon to catch up. Know my prayers are with you & your family as well. Keep your head up, chica. Yoli: thanks for your positive vibes and the email updates of politics/cultural activities in the city. One day soon we should meet up, since you live in the CHI. Somehow, I feel there's much to say. Everyone else who's dropped a note here and there, I'M BAAACKKKK!!!!

Now for the updates: I am happy to report my father is recovering from his stroke quicker than the doctors anticipated. After 3 months of suffering cabin fever, he has recently started work again, though he is still going to speech therapy twice a week. Though he may never be 100% again, he is strong in body & spirit and really seems to be happy to finally get out of the house. I must say, seeing him struggle and overcome all the hurdles he has over the last 3.5 months has shown me what a survivor he truly is and he has truly inspired me to overcome my own hurdles. And I have a lot of hurdles. In fact, it got to a point where I felt like I collected them for a while.

I started off the year saying I had no resolutions; however, almost 3 months into 2007, I seem to have made a list of them. Well, perhaps they aren't resolutions per se, but goals. This year is about me, dammit.

~ To start meditating again (this is a challenge since Mike actually sleeps with me now and he's not into "NEW AGE SHIT")
~ To sell my shit HOLE of a house (fuck this being a landlord thing, I'm going to end up killing somebody not wanting to pay me rent)
~ To finally move in with Mike (we keep putting it off and what for?)
~ To work out at least thrice a week (I'm actually going with a few co-workers during lunch starting tomorrow)
~ To visit my parents at least twice a week and spend at least 3 hours each visit (for obvious reasons)
~ To vacation as much as possible (already I have gone on 2 long weekends and have 3 more planned before the year is out)
~ To start my paper journal again (some thoughts are better left on paper...in private)
~ To actually have a social life...go to art galleries, lounges, and have dinner dates with people I love and miss (I've been much better at this the last few months)
~ Continue going to graduate school (despite the despair & panic attacks I get when people inquire what I can possibly do with a masters in sociology)
~ To stop being so nice to people who just don't deserve it

With a little determination and a smile, I know that these goals can be done. After all, I'm a survivor, just like my papi.

I refuse to think of the stresses bearing down on me...
I won't tend to wounds that continue to bleed
Instead
I pour my soul on paper and let things subside as they may
Tears fall apart at the seams of my eyes...like the reality that is falling around me
My loss of faith and patience has left me standing here alone
with
Head pounding
Wrist slashing thoughts
FUCK IT ALL
AND KISS IT ALL GOOD BYE
Though morbid thoughts wander in my mind...I know
Life is precious...
I could never come to that
Somehow, I am stronger than I appear
Yet I find myself screaming in dreams
My tears falling to the depths of earth...
My boyfriend's arms, once home to me
unable to chase demons that have me in choke holds
I stand alone
My emotions mixed through the blender of life
I stand afraid
I am tired
And angry and sad
Yet somehow...deep down I have hope
Hope for the future
Hope for happiness
Hope for anything but this...

Lately, my life has been turned upside down...
Nothing is what it seems
And everything I believed has been shattered
In fact, these past two months have challenged me like nothing else ever
There's so much to tell yet my heart won't let me
My lips clench and my heart chokes each time I try
It's been hard...and I really don't want to give specifics...
Instead I will meditate my ass off
Light a candle
Drink a beer
And relish in the fact that for now,
I am on MUCH NEEDED vacation

Peace n love

I stand before you
Unsure of life
Unsure of me
Unsure of love
I question you
With heart and soul and mind
"there's only you" you utter in reply
But fading glimmers
In shifty eyes
Tell me otherwise...

do you smell shit ?

This just in: President Bush is in Chicago today. Huh! I was wondering what that foul smell was.

happy birthday to me!

Today I am another year older, another year stronger & wiser...but on the other hand: I am yet another year closer to that ever manacing big 3-0 (oh no!). And I feel it. I am finally at an age where I dont have any major partying planned. In fact, I plan to have a very low key 28th birthday, spending it celebrating with my family and a few close friends. I wish I had time off for a vacation. But I'm pack ratting what little PTO I do have for the holidays - to get more bang for my buck.

Here's to a kick ass year ahead.

my crystal ball prediction...

Don't let the falling gas prices fool you...shortly after the Novemeber elections, I predict they will skyrocket once again. It may not be the day afterward, but come January 2007, we will be bent over yet again at the gas pump. Damn crooked government officials...