disrespect not the fallen

There's been much debate lately regarding showing the American public any images depicting the loss of American soldiers lives on television (via pictures of the fallen soldiers coffins and more recently, Nightline reading all the names and showing pictures of the fallen). To me just having this debate at all is just crazy. I cannot understand this outcry and opposition to them, as these vehicles are one of the few that accurately depict and publicize the other side of the war that we do not get to see: the harsh reality of the massive loss of life that war brings. And to me, not seeing reality of AnYtHiNg for what its really is, only sets you up for a nasty wake up call later. This debate, coupled with FCC's strict regulations of everything on television really makes me feel like we are living in the 1950's all over again. I mean, what's next? Me being blacklisted for even writing this post? It's crazy.

My question is: Why are pictures and television memorials of the fallen soldiers being yanked off the air? These soldiers gave the ultimate price of their lives for our country. Is it so much to ask that they be nationally honored and their faces and names be known to us all in some shape or another? Without such memorials to these soldiers, are they not just another number that we hear or read on the news on a daily basis? I know for me it becomes mind numbing, like "oh...another soldier died this morning. That sucks." And it is horrible reaction, I know, to the loss of life. That's why I think it's totally necessary that we get to actually see the faces behind the numbers and know who these people were. It's a great honor and tribute to their lives (in my opinion that's the least we can do for them). Also, I TRULY give a hand of applause to the photographer who photgraphed those pictures of the lines of soldiers coffins (even though he got fired for publishing them) and Nightlines television show called "The Fallen" which airs tonight for putting names and faces to the numbers of soldiers that passed. I truly thank them for humanizing the war and showing me the other side of the coin, that side which we as americans often do not see.

Whether you're against or for the war in Iraq, we should all be thankful and say a prayer for the people we lost in Iraq, because they died for us. I don't know about you, but I will be watching "the fallen" tonight.

payday fridays make rainy days a breeze

I love Fridays (well...who doesn't?) but a Friday that's also a payday is double the pleasure for me. Unlike most mornings where I dread getting up, today I actually woke up with a semi smile on my face. Work sucks, but hey, at least I don't have to get up in the morning and come back here. Talking about waking up, don't you hate it when you wake up on a weekday and for some strange reason somehow think its a Saturday or Sunday ? It sucks...It's like being tricked into thinking that your favorite shows about to start on t.v. only to find Bush's ugly mug on it talking about national security for an hour. Well, maybe they're not the exact same feeling, but in both cases I sure feel cheated. What's worse to me, is just the opposite: waking up on the weekend and thinking you have to go into work. By the time you realize what a dumbass you are, you are already awake and ready to start the day. And for me, a person that absolutely adores sleeping in an extra hour or two, it just simply spoils the day before it even starts.

On a totally different subject, I started writing in my paper journal again. (yay for me!) It was gathering dust in the trunk of my car (don't ask why or how it got there...it was just there) for months. My last entry was a scribbled mess dated September 7, 2003 ! WOW ! Talk about ancient history. I don't know why I haven't been updating it, but a few days ago I realized how much I missed the peace of mind that having a paper journal brings. In essence, it's an unbiased best friend that's a great listener, a great comforter of pain, and most of all, it doesn't look at you all crazy when you confess how really twisted and demented your thoughts really are. I shall write a poem and dub it "Ode to my journal"...hee hee. :)

feeling better

Well, I'm feeling somewhat better than this morning. Reading back, I feel pretty embarrassed posting my personal crap on here for people I don't even know to read. But, for creative reasons, I made an oath not to delete any posts on this blog; though I do go back and make corrections and change the structure a bit at times.

One good thing came from all this drama: I finally made another piece...dubbed it "mistaken identity"...and if I say so myself it's an epic of a freaking poem. It's two pages long !!! I don't want to bore you with the grandness of it all. I don't particularly want to divulge any more of myself today, specially since all the emotions are so fresh in my mind. But here's a clip.

"You think you see through me
But mistake me for someone else
Perhaps from your past
Or perhaps for yourself"

where do I start ?

I usually don't talk much about my personal life on here, but today I have a lot on my mind and I can't seem to even function or think about anything but deep meaningful thoughts. Today's a somber and sad kinda day.

It all started last night when me & my honey had a disturbing conversation about our relationship. Not the breakup kinda stuff, but just about things that are bothering us. What kills me the most is his disbelief in my love for him. He simply can't see or believe that I am so deep in love with him...and that just breaks my heart. It seems kind of like a kiddish argument, but it is ever present in our relationship, hanging over us every time I utter the 'love' word to him. My question is: How can you love someone so much and try to give them everything, yet they remain blind as a bat to it all? It baffles me. I know I am not perfect in any way, but I know what the hell love is and I know that when all is said and done, he is the man I want to spend my life with; he is the one I want to cuddle with, fight with, grow old with, etc. And, don't get the wrong idea, cuz my honeys not an insecure cry baby always wanting attention…and for the most part, he's a very rational and not very demanding in our relationship. So, obviously this is very distressing for me. What do you say to someone who truly thinks that ? How can you show them the truth without somehow seeming fake? When he says he doesn't think I truly love him, I know he's really saying that he doesn't think we are going anyplace. I feel like he's ripped my heart out, spat on it, and claimed it unworthy of him. Like somehow, my soul & my heart (as wacky and independent as they are) are not nearly enough to make him happy. We have tried talking about it and I ask him what I can do to prove to him, but he claims it is something I have to figure out on my own. This is the worst type of answer to me, because my mind works much differently than his, and I know flowers, quality time, and romantic walks in the park just won't cut it...sigh. I find myself completely helpless yet again in life.

Also, my fathers health has been very questionable lately. He doesn't take care of himself and much to our dismay, ever since he has developed diabetes, he has been eating massive amounts of sweets almost to the point of having a sugar induced coma. Sigh. Of course, he forgets to take his medicine all the time too. Why are Latino men so stubborn?

Last but certainly not least, last night I had a dream with my late grandma in it. Dreams are pretty important to me because 99% of the time, I don't remember them. So the ones I do remember stand out like a sore thumb. Anyhow, in my dream, I wake up from my bed to go to the bathroom (much like any other morning). On my way there, I notice something strange. There is a cabinet by the bathroom with towels stacked in it and somehow, the towels are all over the floor. I look into the bathroom, and there she is sitting on the toilet…just like I remember her before she got really sick (well not on the toilet, but you get the picture). So I start hugging her and crying, and she's so warm. It was so realistic that I could feel her heart beat. She seemed so happy to see me, too. But she was trying to talk to me & I couldn't hear a word she was saying. It was like everything just became mute. I know she was trying to tell me something important, but for the life of me, I have no idea what.

I know most people don't believe in spirits and ghosts visiting in dreams and all, but I truly believe that my grandma comes and visits me every now and then. Some times her presence is so strong that I can smell her. Other times I wake up to the smell of the Bustello coffee she used to brew religiously and I swear, not one smidge of coffee is around. I miss my abuelita. She was the coolest viejita and if I could be just 1/2 the woman she was, I know I would have accomplished alot more than I have so far. I just wonder what the hell that dream was really about.

mindless entertainment sometimes is the best

This afternoon work has been so mind numbing and boring that I'm afraid if I don't watch out, I will fall asleep face first on my keyboard; inadvertently drooling all over it causing some kind of mechanical malfunction that just may electrocute me on the nose. Sigh. But, thanks to my chat buddie Lloyd, I have been ordering around this Subservient Chicken for the last 20 or so minutes. It's actually part of an online Burger King campaign.."we do chicken your way". hee hee. Anyway, we had fun telling this poor loser of man dressed like a huge chicken to do the stupidest things: from cartwheels, to wiping his ass, to performing riverdance..this chicken does whatever you tell him to do. Of course, he won't do anything extremely r and x-rated. Some of our other favorites included: choking the chicken, rock on, do an air guitar, sniff armpits, moonwalk, throw up, eat shit and die, smoke weed, and backflip (even though the last one was kinda phony but the finale after the flip made it worth it). Granted, playing with it for 20 minutes I came across a few minor glitches, like when I told him to turn on the tv, he just turned around and around. Well, what can we expect?

I know its really sad that I just spent soo long playing with AND writing about this stupid little website, but it really made me laugh a few times and I had to share it with the masses. May it serve you as well as it served me.

hear me roar

Ok, Ok..I was reading the poem I put on my last entry & I just wasn't feeling it the second time around. So heres one of my favorite woman power poems I wrote back in the day. Blame it on my wonder woman screensaver, but I am feeling mighty spunky and ultra feminista today. :)

SEXISM
October 29, 2003

Unseen
Underappreciated
Sadly incapacitated
Women in this country are taken as fools
Given the short stick for not playing by the men set rules
Overexploited
Hearts ablaze
Working twice as hard as the dicks to get that raise
The way of the world has gotten me sick
Opportunities taken away simply cuz I don’t have a dick
I know in my heart that there’s more to life
Than what genitalia lays under my fly
But everywhere I go
Its plain to see
That people just see perky breasts and not a college degree
People may read these words and just assume
I’m just another bitter bitch with something to prove
Matter of fact, I have nothing to lose
So I just try to speak the truth
Hoping my words will get through
And spark something up in your minds
Something that will stick with you long after my rhymes
So next time you see a woman walking down the path
Respect her, love her, and make her laugh
Don’t underestimate the power of a lady,
We work hard, play hard, and have the power to make babies
We are individuals just like you
But because we have pussies suddenly we have something to prove
Sexism…
Just another ism that can’t be smoked away
We need to start solving these problems today
So, my people, lets gather together right away
So our darling daughters won’t be treated the same way

i want to be inspired

Its national poetry month and man, I haven't been able to write a decent poem for about a month now. It sucks ass !! I am stuck in the middle (ok..hopefully the end) of a serious writers block. Everytime I try writing, passionless jibberish comes out and I end up scraping it all out (even the stuff I wrote when I was a little under the influence, which usually hightens my writing). I tried logging in to Def Poetry Jam for some inspiration from fellow poets, but all I seem to find is boring haikus or some shit. So, I started digging through the vaults of my old poems in hopes of sparking some kind of writing, and I was feeling like one hell of a mediocre poet until I came across this one I wrote in Decemeber in the heat of an almost breakup with my hon...here it goes. I hope you enjoy.

HEALING PAIN
December 15, 2003

Fleeting moments and shifty eyes
tell me more than 1/2 spoken lies
Rivers of pain run through my veins
Reminiscent of the broken heart you gave
I'm a slave of circumstance
And have no place to rest my weary head

Instead, I write
Take flight in the solstice of words
Visions of my soul taking flight like a bird
Able to see the world (even for a brief second)
through my 3rd eye of self discovery
And what I see is flowers and trees
Birds singing in harmony
Speaking from their hearts like me on this page
No longer in a rage…but at peace

Oh, yes...my heart has felt its share of grief
But like a leaf, I have overturned
No longer burned like hair singed from a bad perm
You live and you learn
Only through life’s lessons will you find true happiness

Despite the pain you have caused, I love you for all your flaws
These make you human
I can forgive you for your mistakes
These I can't player hate, unmake, or sit with you and debate about my heartache
What I can't forgive is your total disregard of my feelings
While I gave you my heart for safekeeping
But...there will be no more weeping for these tired eyes
Cuz, instead I have decided to take flight inside myself
recreate the love I had for you
My heart no longer black and blue
Attempting from now on
TO LOVE MYSELF AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU...