where do I start ?

I usually don't talk much about my personal life on here, but today I have a lot on my mind and I can't seem to even function or think about anything but deep meaningful thoughts. Today's a somber and sad kinda day.

It all started last night when me & my honey had a disturbing conversation about our relationship. Not the breakup kinda stuff, but just about things that are bothering us. What kills me the most is his disbelief in my love for him. He simply can't see or believe that I am so deep in love with him...and that just breaks my heart. It seems kind of like a kiddish argument, but it is ever present in our relationship, hanging over us every time I utter the 'love' word to him. My question is: How can you love someone so much and try to give them everything, yet they remain blind as a bat to it all? It baffles me. I know I am not perfect in any way, but I know what the hell love is and I know that when all is said and done, he is the man I want to spend my life with; he is the one I want to cuddle with, fight with, grow old with, etc. And, don't get the wrong idea, cuz my honeys not an insecure cry baby always wanting attention…and for the most part, he's a very rational and not very demanding in our relationship. So, obviously this is very distressing for me. What do you say to someone who truly thinks that ? How can you show them the truth without somehow seeming fake? When he says he doesn't think I truly love him, I know he's really saying that he doesn't think we are going anyplace. I feel like he's ripped my heart out, spat on it, and claimed it unworthy of him. Like somehow, my soul & my heart (as wacky and independent as they are) are not nearly enough to make him happy. We have tried talking about it and I ask him what I can do to prove to him, but he claims it is something I have to figure out on my own. This is the worst type of answer to me, because my mind works much differently than his, and I know flowers, quality time, and romantic walks in the park just won't cut it...sigh. I find myself completely helpless yet again in life.

Also, my fathers health has been very questionable lately. He doesn't take care of himself and much to our dismay, ever since he has developed diabetes, he has been eating massive amounts of sweets almost to the point of having a sugar induced coma. Sigh. Of course, he forgets to take his medicine all the time too. Why are Latino men so stubborn?

Last but certainly not least, last night I had a dream with my late grandma in it. Dreams are pretty important to me because 99% of the time, I don't remember them. So the ones I do remember stand out like a sore thumb. Anyhow, in my dream, I wake up from my bed to go to the bathroom (much like any other morning). On my way there, I notice something strange. There is a cabinet by the bathroom with towels stacked in it and somehow, the towels are all over the floor. I look into the bathroom, and there she is sitting on the toilet…just like I remember her before she got really sick (well not on the toilet, but you get the picture). So I start hugging her and crying, and she's so warm. It was so realistic that I could feel her heart beat. She seemed so happy to see me, too. But she was trying to talk to me & I couldn't hear a word she was saying. It was like everything just became mute. I know she was trying to tell me something important, but for the life of me, I have no idea what.

I know most people don't believe in spirits and ghosts visiting in dreams and all, but I truly believe that my grandma comes and visits me every now and then. Some times her presence is so strong that I can smell her. Other times I wake up to the smell of the Bustello coffee she used to brew religiously and I swear, not one smidge of coffee is around. I miss my abuelita. She was the coolest viejita and if I could be just 1/2 the woman she was, I know I would have accomplished alot more than I have so far. I just wonder what the hell that dream was really about.