disrespect not the fallen

There's been much debate lately regarding showing the American public any images depicting the loss of American soldiers lives on television (via pictures of the fallen soldiers coffins and more recently, Nightline reading all the names and showing pictures of the fallen). To me just having this debate at all is just crazy. I cannot understand this outcry and opposition to them, as these vehicles are one of the few that accurately depict and publicize the other side of the war that we do not get to see: the harsh reality of the massive loss of life that war brings. And to me, not seeing reality of AnYtHiNg for what its really is, only sets you up for a nasty wake up call later. This debate, coupled with FCC's strict regulations of everything on television really makes me feel like we are living in the 1950's all over again. I mean, what's next? Me being blacklisted for even writing this post? It's crazy.

My question is: Why are pictures and television memorials of the fallen soldiers being yanked off the air? These soldiers gave the ultimate price of their lives for our country. Is it so much to ask that they be nationally honored and their faces and names be known to us all in some shape or another? Without such memorials to these soldiers, are they not just another number that we hear or read on the news on a daily basis? I know for me it becomes mind numbing, like "oh...another soldier died this morning. That sucks." And it is horrible reaction, I know, to the loss of life. That's why I think it's totally necessary that we get to actually see the faces behind the numbers and know who these people were. It's a great honor and tribute to their lives (in my opinion that's the least we can do for them). Also, I TRULY give a hand of applause to the photographer who photgraphed those pictures of the lines of soldiers coffins (even though he got fired for publishing them) and Nightlines television show called "The Fallen" which airs tonight for putting names and faces to the numbers of soldiers that passed. I truly thank them for humanizing the war and showing me the other side of the coin, that side which we as americans often do not see.

Whether you're against or for the war in Iraq, we should all be thankful and say a prayer for the people we lost in Iraq, because they died for us. I don't know about you, but I will be watching "the fallen" tonight.

payday fridays make rainy days a breeze

I love Fridays (well...who doesn't?) but a Friday that's also a payday is double the pleasure for me. Unlike most mornings where I dread getting up, today I actually woke up with a semi smile on my face. Work sucks, but hey, at least I don't have to get up in the morning and come back here. Talking about waking up, don't you hate it when you wake up on a weekday and for some strange reason somehow think its a Saturday or Sunday ? It sucks...It's like being tricked into thinking that your favorite shows about to start on t.v. only to find Bush's ugly mug on it talking about national security for an hour. Well, maybe they're not the exact same feeling, but in both cases I sure feel cheated. What's worse to me, is just the opposite: waking up on the weekend and thinking you have to go into work. By the time you realize what a dumbass you are, you are already awake and ready to start the day. And for me, a person that absolutely adores sleeping in an extra hour or two, it just simply spoils the day before it even starts.

On a totally different subject, I started writing in my paper journal again. (yay for me!) It was gathering dust in the trunk of my car (don't ask why or how it got there...it was just there) for months. My last entry was a scribbled mess dated September 7, 2003 ! WOW ! Talk about ancient history. I don't know why I haven't been updating it, but a few days ago I realized how much I missed the peace of mind that having a paper journal brings. In essence, it's an unbiased best friend that's a great listener, a great comforter of pain, and most of all, it doesn't look at you all crazy when you confess how really twisted and demented your thoughts really are. I shall write a poem and dub it "Ode to my journal"...hee hee. :)

feeling better

Well, I'm feeling somewhat better than this morning. Reading back, I feel pretty embarrassed posting my personal crap on here for people I don't even know to read. But, for creative reasons, I made an oath not to delete any posts on this blog; though I do go back and make corrections and change the structure a bit at times.

One good thing came from all this drama: I finally made another piece...dubbed it "mistaken identity"...and if I say so myself it's an epic of a freaking poem. It's two pages long !!! I don't want to bore you with the grandness of it all. I don't particularly want to divulge any more of myself today, specially since all the emotions are so fresh in my mind. But here's a clip.

"You think you see through me
But mistake me for someone else
Perhaps from your past
Or perhaps for yourself"

where do I start ?

I usually don't talk much about my personal life on here, but today I have a lot on my mind and I can't seem to even function or think about anything but deep meaningful thoughts. Today's a somber and sad kinda day.

It all started last night when me & my honey had a disturbing conversation about our relationship. Not the breakup kinda stuff, but just about things that are bothering us. What kills me the most is his disbelief in my love for him. He simply can't see or believe that I am so deep in love with him...and that just breaks my heart. It seems kind of like a kiddish argument, but it is ever present in our relationship, hanging over us every time I utter the 'love' word to him. My question is: How can you love someone so much and try to give them everything, yet they remain blind as a bat to it all? It baffles me. I know I am not perfect in any way, but I know what the hell love is and I know that when all is said and done, he is the man I want to spend my life with; he is the one I want to cuddle with, fight with, grow old with, etc. And, don't get the wrong idea, cuz my honeys not an insecure cry baby always wanting attention…and for the most part, he's a very rational and not very demanding in our relationship. So, obviously this is very distressing for me. What do you say to someone who truly thinks that ? How can you show them the truth without somehow seeming fake? When he says he doesn't think I truly love him, I know he's really saying that he doesn't think we are going anyplace. I feel like he's ripped my heart out, spat on it, and claimed it unworthy of him. Like somehow, my soul & my heart (as wacky and independent as they are) are not nearly enough to make him happy. We have tried talking about it and I ask him what I can do to prove to him, but he claims it is something I have to figure out on my own. This is the worst type of answer to me, because my mind works much differently than his, and I know flowers, quality time, and romantic walks in the park just won't cut it...sigh. I find myself completely helpless yet again in life.

Also, my fathers health has been very questionable lately. He doesn't take care of himself and much to our dismay, ever since he has developed diabetes, he has been eating massive amounts of sweets almost to the point of having a sugar induced coma. Sigh. Of course, he forgets to take his medicine all the time too. Why are Latino men so stubborn?

Last but certainly not least, last night I had a dream with my late grandma in it. Dreams are pretty important to me because 99% of the time, I don't remember them. So the ones I do remember stand out like a sore thumb. Anyhow, in my dream, I wake up from my bed to go to the bathroom (much like any other morning). On my way there, I notice something strange. There is a cabinet by the bathroom with towels stacked in it and somehow, the towels are all over the floor. I look into the bathroom, and there she is sitting on the toilet…just like I remember her before she got really sick (well not on the toilet, but you get the picture). So I start hugging her and crying, and she's so warm. It was so realistic that I could feel her heart beat. She seemed so happy to see me, too. But she was trying to talk to me & I couldn't hear a word she was saying. It was like everything just became mute. I know she was trying to tell me something important, but for the life of me, I have no idea what.

I know most people don't believe in spirits and ghosts visiting in dreams and all, but I truly believe that my grandma comes and visits me every now and then. Some times her presence is so strong that I can smell her. Other times I wake up to the smell of the Bustello coffee she used to brew religiously and I swear, not one smidge of coffee is around. I miss my abuelita. She was the coolest viejita and if I could be just 1/2 the woman she was, I know I would have accomplished alot more than I have so far. I just wonder what the hell that dream was really about.

mindless entertainment sometimes is the best

This afternoon work has been so mind numbing and boring that I'm afraid if I don't watch out, I will fall asleep face first on my keyboard; inadvertently drooling all over it causing some kind of mechanical malfunction that just may electrocute me on the nose. Sigh. But, thanks to my chat buddie Lloyd, I have been ordering around this Subservient Chicken for the last 20 or so minutes. It's actually part of an online Burger King campaign.."we do chicken your way". hee hee. Anyway, we had fun telling this poor loser of man dressed like a huge chicken to do the stupidest things: from cartwheels, to wiping his ass, to performing riverdance..this chicken does whatever you tell him to do. Of course, he won't do anything extremely r and x-rated. Some of our other favorites included: choking the chicken, rock on, do an air guitar, sniff armpits, moonwalk, throw up, eat shit and die, smoke weed, and backflip (even though the last one was kinda phony but the finale after the flip made it worth it). Granted, playing with it for 20 minutes I came across a few minor glitches, like when I told him to turn on the tv, he just turned around and around. Well, what can we expect?

I know its really sad that I just spent soo long playing with AND writing about this stupid little website, but it really made me laugh a few times and I had to share it with the masses. May it serve you as well as it served me.

hear me roar

Ok, Ok..I was reading the poem I put on my last entry & I just wasn't feeling it the second time around. So heres one of my favorite woman power poems I wrote back in the day. Blame it on my wonder woman screensaver, but I am feeling mighty spunky and ultra feminista today. :)

SEXISM
October 29, 2003

Unseen
Underappreciated
Sadly incapacitated
Women in this country are taken as fools
Given the short stick for not playing by the men set rules
Overexploited
Hearts ablaze
Working twice as hard as the dicks to get that raise
The way of the world has gotten me sick
Opportunities taken away simply cuz I don’t have a dick
I know in my heart that there’s more to life
Than what genitalia lays under my fly
But everywhere I go
Its plain to see
That people just see perky breasts and not a college degree
People may read these words and just assume
I’m just another bitter bitch with something to prove
Matter of fact, I have nothing to lose
So I just try to speak the truth
Hoping my words will get through
And spark something up in your minds
Something that will stick with you long after my rhymes
So next time you see a woman walking down the path
Respect her, love her, and make her laugh
Don’t underestimate the power of a lady,
We work hard, play hard, and have the power to make babies
We are individuals just like you
But because we have pussies suddenly we have something to prove
Sexism…
Just another ism that can’t be smoked away
We need to start solving these problems today
So, my people, lets gather together right away
So our darling daughters won’t be treated the same way

i want to be inspired

Its national poetry month and man, I haven't been able to write a decent poem for about a month now. It sucks ass !! I am stuck in the middle (ok..hopefully the end) of a serious writers block. Everytime I try writing, passionless jibberish comes out and I end up scraping it all out (even the stuff I wrote when I was a little under the influence, which usually hightens my writing). I tried logging in to Def Poetry Jam for some inspiration from fellow poets, but all I seem to find is boring haikus or some shit. So, I started digging through the vaults of my old poems in hopes of sparking some kind of writing, and I was feeling like one hell of a mediocre poet until I came across this one I wrote in Decemeber in the heat of an almost breakup with my hon...here it goes. I hope you enjoy.

HEALING PAIN
December 15, 2003

Fleeting moments and shifty eyes
tell me more than 1/2 spoken lies
Rivers of pain run through my veins
Reminiscent of the broken heart you gave
I'm a slave of circumstance
And have no place to rest my weary head

Instead, I write
Take flight in the solstice of words
Visions of my soul taking flight like a bird
Able to see the world (even for a brief second)
through my 3rd eye of self discovery
And what I see is flowers and trees
Birds singing in harmony
Speaking from their hearts like me on this page
No longer in a rage…but at peace

Oh, yes...my heart has felt its share of grief
But like a leaf, I have overturned
No longer burned like hair singed from a bad perm
You live and you learn
Only through life’s lessons will you find true happiness

Despite the pain you have caused, I love you for all your flaws
These make you human
I can forgive you for your mistakes
These I can't player hate, unmake, or sit with you and debate about my heartache
What I can't forgive is your total disregard of my feelings
While I gave you my heart for safekeeping
But...there will be no more weeping for these tired eyes
Cuz, instead I have decided to take flight inside myself
recreate the love I had for you
My heart no longer black and blue
Attempting from now on
TO LOVE MYSELF AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU...

viva craigslist !

Man, craigslist is da bomb!! I am getting a double papasan chair and matching table for $30 !! The one pictured is a single one, so mines will be bigger...almost sofa like. While it may be slightly used, its in great condition and it's so damn pretty!! I'm all excited because (1) its a kick ass deal for such nice pieces and (2) its officially my first purchase for my new place (which I have yet to buy). I figure I might as well start picking up the deals while they become availbale rather than trying to buy furniture all at once when I get my place. I just can't wait to get the digs to put it in. For now, its going into storage in my moms garage. Sigh. I hope I find a place soon.

amor en concreto...

I wish I could see more independent films. In fact, I like watching IFC on cable, but nothings like seeing them on the big screen. Because of this, I try to go to as many independent film fests as possible. This past Friday, I went with a few girlfriends to see Amor en Concreto, an independent movie at the latino film festival. It totally rocked. It was about a group of people who live in Caracas (in Venezuela), all going through tumultuous times, and how they turned their lives around. They even filmed the movie on a real street in Caracas named Avenida Libertador (Liberating Avenue), which I thought was a nice touch that added something to the overall effect of the movie. I loved the way the director (who was quite a fine specimen I may add) connected all the characters lives, even in small indirect ways like swearing at each other in traffic jams. In the backdrop, there were political undertones of the turmoil in Venezuela and at the end, there was serious role reversals of the characters. Also, the story line jumped from one persons story to the next so you were always trying to guess what was going to happen next. I just loved it.

to all the haters...its our bodies, not yours (so suck a lemon)

Today women worldwide rallied for their reproductive right to choose abortion. While I may be pro life for myself, I am definitely pro choice for other women. I truly believe in a woman’s right to decide what happens to her body and don't think the government, religious institutions, or even family members should have any say in whether she should have a baby or not. Its a woman’s prerogative and since she is the one who will be raising and caring for her child, she should be the only one to ultimately decide whether she should bring it into the world or not.

Now don't get me wrong, I do not take abortion lightly, especially since I recently found out that my own life was almost put to a premature end through abortion. My mom seriously considered aborting me when she found out she was pregnant because my parents simply couldn't afford another child. Then, she simply fell in love with me, and decided to have me despite all the money issues. Of course I'm thankful, and this revelation gave me a whole new perspective on abortion...

...but I still think abortion is a woman’s right and not a privilege. Many of these pro life activists judge and speak against a subject matter which they ultimately have never been forced to consider. I mean, all these people who call abortion murder obviously never had to deal with living in extreme poverty to the point that they are forced to nearly starve because they are obliged to give their children whatever limited amount of food they have. When they find themselves pregnant yet again, they are forced to make the hard decision on whether they can feasibly feed, clothe and care for another child.

These activists have never been in the shoes of a scared young single teenager who's "loving boyfriend" which she gave everything to (including her virginity) left her, with no support system, with no money to support herself, none the less support a child. While some may say she was stupid to begin with by getting knocked up, this is not a perfect world; sex is human nature and teenagers are increasingly sexual active. Even people who are protected sexually end up with babe 9 months later.

There are countless situations where women have to choose abortion over becoming a mother. It’s not an easy decision for anyone to have to consider. It's a scary, sad, and very personal decision that no one has the right to control except the woman herself. Pro life advocates may call these women murderers and whores and insist that its necessary for these women keep their children, but they do nothing to help these women out. They can say what they want, but they will not help these women raise their kids, and they certainly will not provide any monetary or psychological support for these children. Shit, they are just trying to force women who OBVIOUSLY do not want or cannot feasibly have more children to adhere to their ideals and religious beliefs. What’s worse to me, is that these children, if they were brought into this world, would most probably be raised in very undesirable and dire circumstances. This ultimately just increases the number of people living in destitution and just increases the gap of poverty in the US. Sigh…

What I really don't understand about all these right wing republicans (i.e. BUSH & gang) is their wide support of the death penalty (is that not murder as well? I thought they were PRO LIFE), and their rollbacks on laws protecting the environment (are they not supporting the poisoning of us & all the children of the world by lowering these standards?). Its frustrating to me. If they truly wanted to get to the root of this problem and reduce or eliminate abortion, they should at least make birth control and health care widely available to all those who need it in the US. Maybe then, there would be a HUGE drop in the numbers of abortions performed. But of course, that will never happen...So I continue to say:

"To all the haters...its our bodies, not yours (so suck a lemon)"...That is all.

just another ramen soup kinda day...

Due to budgetary constraints and due to the plain fact they taste so good, I have been consuming mass quantities of Ramen soup for lunch. I even got a great deal for a 6 pack of them in HUGE cups for like a buck and a half. Those cups are sooo huge, I swear I am full until dinner time. Not bad for such a cheap price. :)

sirius is seriously all that & a bag of chips

I've had Sirius for a few months now & I have become spoiled to the point that I can't listen to the regular local radio stations anymore. I'm become accustomed to no commercials and minimal talking from djs (which local radio stations seem to focus on more and more nowadays). Listening to WGCI, 94.7, and Hot 92.3 has just become a tangled web of ignorant & cheesy commercials with equally ignorant and boring radio personalities. It's gotten to the point where I rarely listen to anything else but Sirius. Which is great because since they broke into my car 2 times in the past year, I have learned NOT to leave my cds in the car (well...maybe the occasional mp3 makes its way into my ride but it's minimal). But, yet again, I'm digressing....Sirius always and I mean ALWAYS keeps it about the music....the good music you really want to listen to. Whether its old school or underground hip hop, to salsa, to non stop dance mixes, to alternative Rock, to NPR, they always got something worth taking a listen to. Regular radio just can’t compete with it. I'm used to the raw unedited versions of lets say Ludacris' song "Splash Water Falls" and god knows, I can't stand the same 10 songs playing over and over and over again til I've reached the point where my favorite tune has become a horrible jingle in my head that won't go away for weeks at a time. AHHH!!! Sirius is really the shit! It has forever removed me from the hell of local radio stations. It has 110 streams of music, news stations, comedy channels, etc and 99.9% of the time I can find a song that I like or that makes my booty bop within like 2 minutes...ahh...now that’s the life.

daily blah: damn mapquest !

has anyone else been noticing how screwed up map quest is getting lately ? Since I am looking for both a house for myself and an new office for my company, I am checking for directions to just about everywhere I go. I used to love it because unlike Yahoo maps, it didn't have you taking the absolutely LONGEST way to get to a destination. Much to my freaking dismay, nowadays, half the time Mapquest errors out saying it doesn't recognize the damn address. However, being the impatient women I am, clicking the resubmit button a few more times usually does the trick. Granted, it gets the job done, but its just time consuming and pretty damn annoying. especially if it's -say your 100th search of the week. blah ! damn that mapquest.

end of hiatus

wow. It's been a while since my last post. Needless to say, I have been really busy on my own shit lately and haven’t found the time or energy to write anything worthwhile on here. But, today I woke up and my head is full of thoughts..like how my new wonder woman screensaver totally ROCKS & somehow just turning on my computer here at work to see her flex her wonder type muscles makes me PROUD to be a woman. hee hee.

On another note, I just got news that Marc Anthony is coming to Chicago in July. And any Puerto Rican fan of Marc Anthony knows that a Marc Anthony concert is strictly a family affair. Meaning, not only will I be there, but a good chunk of my tribe will be there too. We will be like 15 deep all dancing salsa in the aisles as his beautiful ass croons away into the night. We saw him in concert 2 years ago, and this man can sing soo beautifully. I just can't wait !!

Its a particularly gray type of day in Chicago. Actually the last few days have been kinda crummy and It has put a damper on my mood as of late. I miss the sun. Chicago's weather is so strange. One day it can be 75 and sunny (like say this past Sunday), and the next it can be hailing with tornado warnings (say like Monday and Tuesday). Its crazy.

Last night, I went to Rhythm, one of the coolest bars in Chicago. They have African drum circles a few times a week, open mic poetry and hip hop on other nights, and most importantly, a cheap cover charge and a laid back atmosphere ($5 gets you in the door and includes rental of a drum for the night). For those who don't know, drumming for a good hour can really relieve stress (cuz you just beat the hell out of the drum) and it sure does give your arms a good ass workout. Mine are kinda sore !!! What I really love about the place (other than the comfy lounge chairs and cool deco, is the unconventional naming of the bathrooms. Unlike most places, where the signs are just of a man or a woman, Rhythm's bathrooms are labeled "sit" or "stand". It makes me smile every time. Its definitely THE up & coming spot. While everyone has just recently discovered this place, I have been jamming there for at least a good year to year and a half simply because one of the owners of the bar was in a book club I was in a while back. She turned me on to the place and I have been going ever since.

On another note entirely...I just read that the title of the kick ass movie "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind" was actually taken from an Alexander Pope Poem dubbed Eloisa to Abelard (thanks goes out to Theresa who's blog I read sporadically for filling me in). I actually tried reading the poem, but it was late at night and the all the words just smooshed together producing absolutely nothing. Maybe later during lunch I will take a look at it some more.

Last but not least, I have jumped on the Google Gmail bandwagon by signing up for a free G Mail acount this morning. I have been playing with it a bit and its layout is very plain & simple. However, its ony been a few hours & I miss the yahoo smilie faces already. I just simply adore those yahoo smilies and whenever I chat I am that annoying person that puts a face on everything depending on my mood. I even know all the secret emoticons and have memorized them too. What can I say ? I'm very expresssive. Anyhow, I don't know if I will be making it my primary email account just yet, but so far I haven't really had any problems with it (within the last 2 hours).

i have a dream

I'm day dreaming of being outside..walking around the beautiful Chicago lakefront or swinging on a swing at a park; matter of fact I would just settle for some mindless running around and frolicking through the streets...anything but sitting behind this desk in this HOT ass office (our landlord thinks he’s running a sauna over here). But that’s ok cuz we are soon going to be moving out to a place where I can control the A/C & heat systems. But, I am digressing...Its soo beautiful in Chi-town today (almost 80 degrees). Its sooo nice that I am actually wearing a skirt today, and if you know me you already know I despise wearing dresses, skirts, etc. etc. Even more so, I curse the man who designed stockings (you know it had to be a man, as a woman would never design such a torture instrument for herself). hee hee. I have always hated wearing dresses and was the tomboy of tomboys when I was a kid. I remember climbing trees & buildings (yes buildings), and even playing touch football with all the guys in the neighborhood. To this day, I still love hanging out with guys, as they aren't so triffling and complicated as women. They are great friends, are very blunt about everything, and its always nice to get the opposite sex's perspective on various things.

Anyway, today I don’t mind wearing a skirt so much. It is nice and breezy and I feel so feminine, like I'm floating down the office halls. Its a far stretch from jeans, boots and a t-shirt like i usually wear to work, but I think its a nice departure today. hee hee.

"Stop spilling our blood so we can stop spilling your blood"

Words from Bin Laden ask for a truce with European countries that back out of Iraq within the next three months. Is that such a crazy and evil thing to demand ? While I think its grand for him to initiate the peace process with them, I instinictinvely feel that he has something underhanded and destructive scheuled in the near future for the U.S. It's pretty scary and the more I think about it, the more I have to block it out of my head.

I am an advocate of the whole peace process but I think at this point the U.S. has gone too far into the war, and even if we were to pull out of Iraq & Isreal we would still be under heavy attack by Al Quieda. Some people are comparing this war to the Vietnam war, but in my opinion it is much more complicated than that. I truly hope & pray that this war doesn't drag on & someday soon all the blood can stop flowing so that healing can truly begin.

What I'm looking for in a crib (in order of importance)

Tonight I am going to see the house that I might be buying and I am so nervous. BUT...In order to try to simplify my decision (hey I'm a libra!) I wrote down all the things I'm looking for.

I call it: "What I'm Looking for in a Crib"

1) Hopefully, instant positive cash flow from rentals or no more than $450 coming from my pocket towards my mortgage per month
2) A House is in Good or Great condition - not much work needs to be put in right away
3) Seperate Utilities (makes renting easier)
4) A decent street to live on with no hoodlums hanging out
5) Big bedrooms

Would love the following things, but is not NECESSARY
1) Washer & Dryer would be nice, but will settle for a space for a laundry facilities and get a w & d later
2) A deck would be nice

Comparing the house to these needs, its close but no cigar. The space's utilities that I would be living at is dependent on a renter (the current occupant just pays a flat fee for light, gas, etc), it would NOT generate positive cash flow ( I would be paying about $400 per month towards the mortgage. Plus, I would have to remodel my living space to some degree. BUT, it does have a huge bedroom (with skylights..I totally dig these skylights) and a deck..which would be a perfect spot to chill & smoke at. hmmm...

behold the bag lady

I am the bag lady. For some reason, which I have yet to understand, I always feel the need to carry 2 bags with me to and from work. Call it a security blanket but I just call it plain annoying. Picture this: me (borderline midget @ 5 ft 1), struggling to get in & out of the car with two huge bags. One being my heavy ass purse (filled with all the necessary stuff like a cell phone, sugarless gum, keys, my cocoa butter lip balm etc., etc); the second being my bookbag, where I carry everything that I "might" use. These being whatever book(s) I'm reading, my workout gear (just in case I need a workout which apparently from the past week I haven't..hee hee), my journal and/or notebook to write poems at any given moment, and my lunch and snacks. That's not even counting rotating things like my manicure supplies (read nail polish remover & a new color), home listings, bills, work crap...the list is endless. It's quite annoying that I always feel the need to packrat everything. Its one of the many nasty habits that I have picked up over the years. In fact, I have boxes of books, clothes, shoes, and old photos/old letters/old cards that are being stored as we speak until I find another place. I know I should just consolidate all that shit and part of me wants to have a big yard sale just to do some spring cleaning...but truthfully I will never do it. Partly because I also have the bad habit of procrastinating and the sad fact that each of the stored objects have some sort of sentimental value to me (i.e. I'm a packrat). Oh well. That's me: the bag lady...

huh ? you talkin' to me?

I've come the conclusion that my mind has totally and irreversibly been warped from many years of misuse (ha ha...read too much drinking & smoking) and the constant absence of any type of stimulation for the past few years. This warping and absence of mental stimulation has made me, on occasion, a bitter woman (or shall I say bitch?) to say the least. Right now is one of those moments were I just want to take out all my aggression on the first stupid individual to cross my path. So watch out.

My day was going by decently fast, until lunch time. Then it just all went downhill. I had to run a few errands for lunch & what should have been 45 minutes of running around turned to a whopping hour and a half. Every one from the checkout lady at Cub Foods, to the attendants at the car wash, to the damn guy in traffic who JUST stopped mid intersection to ponder which way he wanted to turn, advertently causing everyone behind him to try to merge into my lane, almost causing a domino type effect accident which would have been catastrophic had it not been for my cat like reflects (read puerto rican driving)...it just pissed me off.

Sigh. What’s worse is that I think I might have to make looking for a house a full time job, because it seems that the properties in the area I'm looking into sell within 10 hours of being listed. This has happened on occasion during the last month, but today was the worst. My realtor faxed me over this listing which seemed like heaven to me. Remodeled from top to bottom, new roof, 2 car garage, HUGE lot, greystone construction (AND IN MY PRICE RANGE). The first unit alone was renting for $1,100 per month!!! So, I called with a quickness to get my realtor to schedule a showing tonight right before the sneak preview of "Kill Bill Vol. 2". An hour later, she says they received an offer which they are most likely going to go with. UGH!!! DAYUM. I told her that I am willing to play hardball if its really nice, but what can you do if they already accepted the offer? Oh well. DAMN those people who keep scooping up these properties before I can even step on the front porch. What do they do ? Do they not have jobs like the rest of us? It hardly seems fair to me. DAMN THEM ALL.

Ok enough ranting. I actually feel somewhat better...somewhat.

lonesome rantings

I get mighty lonesome here at work. Most of the time I work alone and I work for a small company so there is no such thing as water cooler gossip here. I get so bored sometimes I just talk to myself. hee hee. And I must say that having a conversation with myself is not as boring as it seems. On the contrary, lately I have held better conversations with myself than most of the conversations I have had with others. The conversation is actually intelligent for one, and damn, I am one funny gal. :p

Note to self: lay off the gren tea so early in the morning. Maybe mixing lemongrass with green tea wasn't such a good idea?

On a totally different note, I am excited because me & my honey have free passes to see "Kill Bill Vol. 2" tonight. I loved the first movie and hope that this one is just as good or better. Quentin Tarantino is actually a great producer with a unique vision. Unlike most of the other producers out there today, who try to mimick each other, his style is always changing and always inspiring. I hope The Bride lady (played by Uma) kills them all (mutilating and shooting Bill point blank just like he did to her in the frst one) & gets her daughter back!!! A woman scorned can be a real bitch. hee hee. What sucks is that the preview tonight will probably be packed like sardines and we will have to get there about an hour before its set to start in order to get in and get decent seats. But, its all good because it saves me the $8.50 I was going to spend to see it anyway over the weekend. :)

this just in...

I just got a call from my realtor telling me that the house I put an rejected offer on two weeks ago might be considered again. It seems that they are having problems with the offer they accepted (something lawyer related). I should find out in 2 days if I can get it or not. I am so scared and excited at the same time to the point that I feel like I have to throw up. GASP !! Half of me hopes it goes through, the other half is scared shitless and praying that it doesn't. I have no idea why because the house rocked. Why is it that whenever theres the slightest possibility of getting something that I REALLY ReAlLy want, I freak the hell out ?

OHH! I just read this and I must say that this guy who gambled his whole life's savings & all his assets in Vegas has some big cajones!!!

what a weekend

Not to bore you with details of my life, but this weekend totally rocked. Usually my weekends fly by with no particular interesting or even relaxing event to talk about. But since Friday afternoon, I went bowling, saw two awesome movies, read a whole book in one night (the 5 people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom), ate some delicious Puerto Rican and Filipino food, slept in ( double yeah!), saw a prospective home, and got some wonderful BOOTY. AHHH! If all weekends could be this sweet. This is the life..

Talking about the life, has anyone seen the new Bud Light commercial with Mystic's song "the life" in the backdrop? I love Mystic's style and have listened her cd "Cuts for Luck and Scars for Freedom" about 12,000 times in the past few years. While she is mainly an underground mc, I am soo happy to see that she is finally getting some love from the masses. Even if it is just in the form of a BUD LIGHT (icky piss water type beer) commercial.

On another note I saw Jim Carrey's movie "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind". I simply loved the cinematography on it, especially when he was dreaming and all his memories were simply disappearing. The movie was creative as all hell and seeing Jim Carrey in a serious role was actually a pleasant departure for me.What a way to break up with someone: just erase them from your mind. Hee hee...can you just imagine getting a letter stating not to contact your ex ever again because he or she had you erased from their mind? hee hee. I can't even imagine being that pist at someone to actually go through the trouble of actually removing them from my memories. While for some it might seem like a good idea and is definitely a sure fire way to get over an ex, but is there not something to be said about learning from past mistakes? Past mistakes include past relationships as well, and by simply erasing the whole relationship, aren't you just self consciously setting yourself up for similar mistakes and decision choices in your future relationships? I know, I know...I think about things entirely WAY too much, but my mind is much like an energizer bunny, never ending and always exploring every thought and facet of my life til exhaustion. But, the movie was very interesting and did lead itself into a drunken debate between me & my girlfriend afterwards.

I am also looking forward to seeing a few Latino independent films at this year's 20th Annual Latino Film Festival later this month. I always try to schedule at least one movie in per year and this year is no different. Hopefully, instead of me having to drag my boyfriend to it (like in the past), I can go with a group of friends who actually want to see it! Life is good.

a weekend state of mind

I know its not the weekend yet, but I have been on 'weekend mode' since yesterday morning. Since I was out of the office all day yesterday looking at office spaces and today's the start of the holiday weekend (with my imminent start of my weekend just hours away), my mind is on auto pilot with a do not disturb sign posted on its door.

I can't seem to focus today on anything more than 5 minutes today so this entry might seem a little scattered. Here’s a sorry in advance to any readers. hee hee.

It definitely is a time of change in my life. I am in the midst of "moving" all aspects of my life...not only the physical parts, with finding a new home to live in & new office for my company, but on a personal level as well. I am doing a "spring cleaning" of sorts and starting to tackle the big issues and trying to find answers to all the questions in my life. No reason to get into specifics, but I definitely have a lot of work cut out for me. First of all, I need to make a decision in my career: I am at a crossroads. I really wish I would have not rushed through college or at least picked a minor to fall back on. Because of this, I have put myself in debt of $15,000 for a career I have absolutely no love for. BUT...I am really motivated to go back to school to get a masters. But, I am having a hard time picking a major. See, I have never been the type of person to know exactly what I want out of life, instead, I roll with the punches and live each day depending on my mood and whatever goals I may have (which, like this entry, is scattered). Its funny because each day I want to do something different. Some days I want to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a writer, or even an English professor on a college level. Other days, I want to get into web design or get back into property management. Today, I am having dreams of working for a nonprofit and actually making a difference in whe world. Chalk it up to my zodiac sign (a Libra), but I swear, I cannot decide for the life of me. I tried everything, like writing down the pros and cons of each profession, to researching salaries and market demand for that career, to going to open houses at various universities around Chicago. Maybe I should just stick all my ideas of potential careers on little papers and throw them in my old graduate hat and shoot for whichever one I pick...hmmm. now that’s an idea.


whoo hoo…only 45 more minutes & I get to go home. MMM…Til then, I will be sipping on my Stash Green & White fusion tea, which by the way, is not as great as my Mighty Leaf Tropical Green Tea , but for being a budget type tea, it's actually pretty good !!

Oh, by the way, Last week I got to see the sneak preview of The Rock's new movie "Walking Tall" for FREE. The movie itself was actually pretty decent and the plot was excellent (I heard it was based on a true story and the man the rock played actually died in real life in a tragic death later on). Unfortunately, by the time we got there, all the seats were taken except the first 3 rows. Actually, this wouldn’t have been soo bad because what woman in her right mind wouldn't want to see the Rock that close up on the big screen? Damn that man is FINE. But, anyway, back to the point. The bad part was that there was major technical difficulties with the film resulting in a loud tapping sound every few minutes. Because we were in the second row, it sounded like the equivalent of a chalk board being scratched. But, hey! who am I to complain. The movie was free and being the poor poet type I am, I just enjoy what I can get.

Well, time to actually do a bit of work before I head out. Happy Good Friday and Easter to all that celebrate it. Peace.

ever wonder ?

Ever stop to wonder if that small animal that stopped in front of your car refusing to move or let you go around it is just tired of foraging for food and shelter and just wants to end it all ? I swear the look in their eyes sometimes screams "just kill me". hmmmm. that’s a thought to ponder. suicidal squirrels, rabbits, and birds.

the difference in awakening

I am not a morning person by any means. My snooze button on my alarm clock which is worn to the point of nonexistence is proof of that fact. But this morning, the sun was shining, I woke up in a good mood for once and realized that my life wasn't too bad at all.

THEN...I got to work and reality of the state of the world set in. Now I have been good about not bringing up my political views on here as of late (its been a few weeks) but all the loss of the life and tragedy in Iraq has left me feeling so utterly sad. I come to wonder what our country is really trying to accomplish there because the occupation in Iraq is really not defined. From the sounds of it, at this point they are just killing anyone. Reading Baghdad Burning really gave me a perspective on what our so called war on terrorism (or weapons of mass destruction) is really is doing to this country. IN essence, it offers its viewers a true insiders perspective. This morning while drinking my green tea, I read these words from this woman, who truthfully reminds me of myself, and I swear I wanted to cry. I cannot even begin to comprehend the horrible things she has experienced, seen, or how she feels. I woke up this morning happy as can be with the sun shining on my face...while this woman woke up like this :

"Now it seems we are almost literally reliving the first few days of occupation… I woke up to the sound of explosions and gunfire last night and for one terrible moment I thought someone had warped me back a whole year and we would have to relive this last year of our life over and over again… "

The world is truly a sad place to live in...WHY?

i have the coolest boss...

What a wonderful Friday! I'm getting off work early today. Because business has been booming, lunch today is on the boss, complete with a movie. Hellboy is the only thing we can all seem to agree on. It's not my first choice, but its better than seeing Secret Window for the third time ! Whoo hoo.

boredom at work equates to...

Im totally addicted to this game and this game. They keep me entertained for hours.

My definition of love

Let me sample your pain
In the form of a kiss
And peel your soul like an onion
Unveiling the intricacies of your human soul
Layer by layer
So in-depth it
Reveals things
you never knew were there
These morsels of love
So powerful
Adding sabor to my life
My eyes stream tears
Pools of emotions
Declaring their independence
Down my cheeks
Oh
your essence is so bittersweet
Each layer leaving imprints on my soul
Somehow making me whole
Your layers
Each distinct
Human perfection
Each adding countless dimensions
to mine
You are unknowingly righteously divine
You
My bittersweet onion
Have standed despite the tests of time
I say thank you for
Adding sabroso layers of your existence to mine