Lately, my life has been turned upside down...
Nothing is what it seems
And everything I believed has been shattered
In fact, these past two months have challenged me like nothing else ever
There's so much to tell yet my heart won't let me
My lips clench and my heart chokes each time I try
It's been hard...and I really don't want to give specifics...
Instead I will meditate my ass off
Light a candle
Drink a beer
And relish in the fact that for now,
I am on MUCH NEEDED vacation

Peace n love

I stand before you
Unsure of life
Unsure of me
Unsure of love
I question you
With heart and soul and mind
"there's only you" you utter in reply
But fading glimmers
In shifty eyes
Tell me otherwise...

do you smell shit ?

This just in: President Bush is in Chicago today. Huh! I was wondering what that foul smell was.

happy birthday to me!

Today I am another year older, another year stronger & wiser...but on the other hand: I am yet another year closer to that ever manacing big 3-0 (oh no!). And I feel it. I am finally at an age where I dont have any major partying planned. In fact, I plan to have a very low key 28th birthday, spending it celebrating with my family and a few close friends. I wish I had time off for a vacation. But I'm pack ratting what little PTO I do have for the holidays - to get more bang for my buck.

Here's to a kick ass year ahead.

my crystal ball prediction...

Don't let the falling gas prices fool you...shortly after the Novemeber elections, I predict they will skyrocket once again. It may not be the day afterward, but come January 2007, we will be bent over yet again at the gas pump. Damn crooked government officials...

tornado in chicago ?

the aftermath of the storm half a block from my parents house

Friday night during the tail end of rush hour traffic- what appeared as a small tornado came close to striking in Chicago. During my commute: a mere 5 minutes from my house, I noticed the clouds becoming more angry - they were dark, fast moving, and close to the ground. The sky became pitch black in a mere instant and it started pouring rain so hard you couldn't see across the street. Something felt terribly wrong about this storm & when tree branches started swaying back and forth, I started to panic. When I pulled up to the front of my house with a quickness, the grammar school half a block away was blaring it's sirens - warning all within earshot range to seek shelter. As soon as I got into my house, my windows starting shaking ever so softly and rain just poured down from the heavens. My dog just kept barking and running back and forth. When I turned on the TV, the news stated there was a tornado warning for the city and advised everyone to stay indoors for the next 45 minutes.

Thankfully, my house and my neighborhood did not incur any damage. However, my parent's neighborhood, a mere 3 miles from my house, didn't fare as well. I got worried that night because my parent's phone line was down. So, when the storm cleared I made haste to go check on them. As I drove to their house, I noticed the small streets within a miles radius from their house were closed due to trees which have fallen in the storm. When I pulled onto my parents block, I noticed right away that the lights for the block had failed - it was pitch black and there were huge tree branches scatterred about. Thankfully, both my parents, their cars, and their house were ok. Though, they went without light and a phone for almost 3 hours.

We were lucky because a few houses in the area had sustained damage to their windows, frame, and/or roof. There were cars which prematurely met their demise - crushed because they were parked under trees which fell victim to the storm. A mere block from their house, a street which was once lined with trees, now has close to none to enjoy. I tried to chronicle the damage with my camera the next morning, but City workers were already clearing out the streets and surveying the damage. Still, what I captured should give you an idea of the devastation the Jefferson Park neighborhood in Chicago endured due to the storm. See the pictures HERE

just checking in

Both school and work have been keeping me busy for the last week and I must admit that I am still transitioning into the idea of actually having homework to do again after so many years. And there is a lot of homework to be had!! Every week I am responsible for reading upwards of 120 pages for one class. In addition, the class calls for a lot of writing as well, consisting of multiple research papers, study questions, and biographies of sociologists. One good thing remains to be seen: I will not have to endure one test (I almost gasped when my professor said it). Though I have a feeling that the sheer amount of writing and reading required of me will more than make up for that fact. The class itself is wonderful: to actually discuss things that matter in the world like education, sexism, racism, war, government, and family really is refreshing to say the least.

On a personal note: after so much turmoil in my life the last few months, lo and behold, everything in life seems to be falling into place smoothly right now. I still have remained successful at not smoking (though I have indulged in a cigarette once or twice in the last few weeks I must admit). BBUUTTT, I have refrained from buying a pack and perform my deep breathing techniques religiously each day (I still sing in the car too for those who are wondering). Soon I will actually be onto Step 2 of my patch system (yey for me!). By my calculations, so far I have saved a whopping $120 over the course of 4 weeks by not smoking. I think that calls for a celebration of some shopping!

Peace and love...

mistaken identity

How can this be ?
The one whose
other half completes me
the one who
I hold nothing back for

How is it that this man
is so oblivious to everything I stand for?
How is that my love
So strong, so pure
In no case is it demure
Goes by undetected?

My love...
just to see you smile
my heart leaps bounds
around my soul
knowing I have found
the true meaning of happiness
wrapped in your kiss

Yet still...
How can this be?
Can't you see me
Arms open
Heart aflame
Waiting for you?!

Your minds eye plays tricks
Sabotaging our love
Evaporating words spoken so truly
Turning them to dust

How can this be?
A case of mistaken identity
You think you see through me
But mistake me for someone else
Perhaps from your past
Or perhaps for yourself
And in the process...
You’re crucifying our love
Which stands tall through it all
But baby, it's battered

Now, how can you think your thoughts do not matter ?
Saying this like its everyday conversation
That's what hurts me the most
Shattering my hopes
of this divine love which I found in you

So to you I implore
how do you think we can just ignore
these feelings and still push forth?
Just tell me...
How can we achieve true happiness
When these thoughts of doubt are splattered
On our souls?
Forming a cloud around each kiss
Denying ourselves true happiness?

These feelings can no longer be denied
Open your eyes
And...
See past your fears
Know in your heart
I will be by your side for many years

I love you in soo many ways
Words cannot convey
These feelings
So deep
I get beside myself just thinking about you

You are my air
You are my life
For our love I will forever fight
Otherwise,
My life just wouldn't seem right

Maybe one day you will see
Just how much our love means to me
Til that day
I will pray
that you will look my way
And see LOVE.

september 11th remembered

I tell people all the time that I'm a symphony of contradictions because often times I feel two completely opposite feelings simultaneously- feelings that constantly draw me in different directions. Remembering 9/11 is one of those times for me. At one end of the spectrum, 9/11 seems soo far away/distant from me - like it happened a long long time ago (after all...so much has happened in the world since then.) It's almost like a faraway nightmare to me. Yet on the other end of the spectrum, I can remember the day's details like it happened yesterday. I remember what I did on that day, who I was with, even what I was wearing..almost down to the hour. What were you doing on that fateful day? Please share with me your story if you can...

My personal recollection of 9/11:
"I remember I was still in college @ that time and didn't have the burden of working that morning. When the first plane attacked, I was actually still in bed - then I got a phone call from my boyfriend (well..my boyfriend at the time). I will never forget the horror in his voice: it woke me up with a quickness. I turned on the TV just in time to see the second tower get hit and I was speechless...it was like time froze and I was still dreaming. That day I was also scheduled to go to traffic court-just hours after the attacks..and I will never forget it. In court they had a moment of silence for all the victims and as we mourned, I felt like crying like a baby. TV's and radio's were on everywhere I went. For days on end afterward - every news channel across the country, and undoubtedly across the world, were replaying the horrific moments over and over again. I can honeslty say that it is the only time I actually looked towards President Bush for guidance in his two terms in office. "

Another contradiction in my mind is while I feel saddened by the destruction and killing that went on that tragic day- I also feel like we have caused the same, if even not worse destruction and killing in the countries we have sworn to help combat this terrorist activity (iraq, afganistan, etc). One of my closest friends pointed out that in the states we always mention 9/11 with horror, but in many parts of the world, 9/11 happens 24/7 - the horror is non-stop.

Ya know: sometimes I think this world is way too fucked up to be salvaged. At times I must confess that I am scared to procreate, lest my children grow up in situations and horrors which would make 9/11 look like a vacation. It's beyond sad, and while the world at large should be thinking of ways to make it better for the future, it seems all people are concerned with are more bombs, more wars, and evermounting hate.

So I end this post by suggesting a simple solution(yet somewhat complicated in it's execution I admit)...a world-wide peace day: I shall dub it "worldwide peace day". Just imagine it: FOR ONE DAY...everyone across the globe throwing down their weapons and fists, and instead of fighting and killing, people will enjoy the comfort of family and/or friends. I truly think (or hope) that maybe if humans get a taste for what we have to live for, we can get past all this hatred for one another and truly appreciate life for what it is- a precious gift. I know this whole thought makes me the queen of wishful thinking, but oh well. A girl can dream...

This is one hippy militant signing off with a peace sign. And as I do so, I say a little prayer to all those who have suffered a loss directly or indirectly due to 9/11...

hit the road, jack...

man, just look at all the money I'm saving!


Ok, ok, I didn't want to spill the beans just yet (lest I jinx it), but after almost 3 weeks of keeping it inside, I feel confident enough to come out with it...(AHEM).

Here it goes: I am officially a non-smoker (or a recovering smoker to be more exact). It's been a little over 2.5 weeks since I brought a pack, and while it is hard AS ALL HELL, somehow I am surviving. As some of you may know, I have tried quitting smoking about a dozen times in the last few years, and each time I failed miserably at it. But somehow, this time feels different - more finalized and purposeful. For starters: when I have a craving, it doesn't seem like the end of the world - I just take some deep breaths, sometimes swear a few times to myself, and just keep moving.

My weapons of choice: the patch, my ellipitical machine, things to busy up my mouth (gum, candy, pens, whatever), and surprisingly enough...music. While most people crave their smokes the most after eating or perhaps in the morning, I find that I have the hardest time coping in the car. During the commute I have to endure to and from work (one hour each way), I could easily go through 2 or 3 cigarettes each way...smoking in traffic jams helped calm me in ways I cannot even begin to explain. This is where I find myself the weakest. So much in fact, I am scared to even trust myself (just yet) to walk into a gas station to see all the cigarettes beckoning to me from behind the counter. I HAVE TO handle all my gas transactions from the pump. Anyway, back to the whole music thing. I find comfort in just blaring my music REALLY LOUD and singing at the top of my lungs. Being that I can't sing worth a lick, I am sure I have made more than one passerby in a car stuck beside me in traffic close their windows. It truly is a sight to be seen (and heard) I'm sure. Oh, well. The world will have to cope with my singing for a while longer until I can drive without the support system.

But i have to say that this withdrawal thing's a royal pain. Sometimes I'm moody, bitchy, angry, or sad...sometimes I just want to plain and simple: pull my own hair out. But, deep inside I know like anything else, it will pass. And, it does relatively quickly. In addition, the last week or so I have noticed a lot of things I like about not smoking too..my hair and clothes smell better, I don't feel so tired all the damn time, and most importantly, my boyfriend can actually enjoy kissing me now!

I'm not naive though. It's still not over yet. My mom, after being clean for over 20 years told me she still craves a smoke every once in a while. But, I have a lot of support from friends. And now, because of this post, family members (who I never even smoked in front of EVER) will know about it too...and I hope to God, that when they read this that they support me too and not give me lip about what I've been doing to my body for the last few years.

6 days and counting...

Even though we still have 2 more weeks until the official first day of Autumn (and the official countdown to my birthday) begins, in my mind, Fall in Chicago is already here. The trees are starting to show their first signs of color change, the weather has been chilly and brisk (especially in the mornings and evenings). Lastly, the sure fire sign of all signs: all the kids are back in school. I see kids of all ages on my commute to work, dressed in their new clothes and equipped with freshly sharpened pencils and untouched notebooks, drudging their way to the bus stop or walking with parents/and or friends to school. Ahh....the joy of being young...where all you have to worry about is turning in your homework on time.

Well that time (of doing homework) is almost upon me once again...in 6 days and counting I will be on my way to my Masters Degree- taking my first Graduate Level class: Advanced Intro to Sociology ( a prerequisite because I have no real background in Sociology). I am both excited and nervous - butterflies continue to play around in my belly - reminding me that it's been over 5 years since I've taken a test or written notes or even studied.

Yesterday, that feeling was compounded when I got an email from my professor. It was a simple email really...he just introduced himself, informed us where we would be meeting, and assigned some homework. Not only do I have to read 4 chapters before I even step into class, I have to find an article which deals with a pressing & current sociological debate. Being that the first day of class is a day after the 9/11 anniversary, I have a hunch that a majority of articles will be about war and the pressing issue of possible terrorist attacks.

Being the oddball that I undoubtedly am, I picked out a 2 part article from the Chicago Tribune which goes into detail about Illegal immigrant workers and the health care system. Unlike a lot of the articles you read nowadays,this article actually goes the opposite way into detailing the heavy price illegal immigrants pay for taking on such shitty and dangerous positions. It is a very interesting article and I highly suggest you read it and let me know what your thoughts are on the topic.

Til later...Peace and love.

file under: weird shit (literally)

is it me, or does tom cruise have WAY too much time on his hands?

Ok, ok, I have to get this off my chest. Just reading about what Tom Cruise did in honor of his baby's first poop, I must say that he has hit a new level of weird in my book. Matter of fact, he's way past weirdo status...he's now officially fucken nuts...up there with Michael Jackson. And that, my friends, is no small feat!

Link to article with poop picture (its in the slideshow section)

mi madre...my hero

Today it marks 53 wonderful years of life that my talented and beautiful mother has shared with the world. I don't talk much about her, but let it be known that I am a splitting image of my mom and that she is my hero. I look so much like her that, in fact, on more than one occasion when I have seen older pictures of her, I think it's actually of me (hah hah - true story). I used to hate that fact with every atom of my being, but now I thrive off it. I figure if I can be half the woman she is inside and out, well, I'm doing pretty darn good in life.

What can I say about my moms? Mi madre is a kind and giving soul and truly is the glue to our family, both nuclear and extended alike. The oldest of 12 brother and sisters, she has wiped many asses in her days and can cook a hell of a meal. Other thing that makes my mom...well mom...is her love for working out (she works out religiously- like 5 or 6 days a week), reads trashy romance novels likes nobody's business, always watches QVC (it's like crack to her), dances to salsa/meringue songs that play in her mind while she cleans & cooks , and is addicted to playing online games while she's working. She has a killer smile and snorts sometimes when she laughs (thats when you can tell shes the happiest). Even though she drives an old rickety saturn half the time, when it's nice outside - she pimps out in my dad's Chrysler Sybring convertible - doned with her pink sunglasses & blaring salsa music doing her little happy dance behind the wheel - she's the most beautiful thing to behold.


FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, MADRE. I love you more than words can possibly say!

familia service announcement

I have been informed by a few sources that a few of my family members have been keeping up with my writing on this blog. And while I knew subconsciously that they may have one way or another found out about my (ever so public) writing vehicle, I never thought they would keep tabs on me. Since I have found out about this, suddenly I find myself hesitant to disclose certain facts about my life and wondering what they will think or say to some about some of my writing and/or thoughts.

That being said, my writing lately has been "carefully" written as not to disclose certain things or delve too deeply into facets of myself which my family may deem...ahem...naughty or surprising.

Well...no more! I shall fight the desire to be anything but myself. My writing is an extension of me, and dammit, I shall not be ashamed of who I am. So, my dear family members (you know who you are): if I shall offend you in any way and/or disclose something about me which you feel the need to gossip about behind my back, so be it. I am always open for discussion about anything and everything I write (if you know me at all, you know I am down for lively discussion any day of the week). Instead of animosity, hopefully, by reading my blog, you all should come to know me better, and just maybe-MAYBE-respect me a little more than you did in the past.

Peace n love to all (especially my blood).

and then there were eight

I have no idea why the stripping of planetary status of Pluto bothers me as much as it does. But, it just rubs me the wrong way that after 76 years of teachings that our solar system had nine planets, suddenly they decide Pluto doesn't qualify. It's now considered a dwarf...what the hell? It's like suddenly it's the unpopular kid, just kicked to the curb and never thought of again.

our solar system...sans Pluto

Just think of all the science books that will have to be chucked due to the inaccuracy; even such things as Trivial Pursuits answers must be updated to read 8 planets as opposed to the 9 we all know and love. What's next? A total revision of what consists of the earth's core? A miscalculation and apparent shifting of the equator line? It's maddening, I tell you maddening.

I, for one, think there's still room for debate. In my mind there will always be 9 planets in out solar system. I don't care what those hoity toity astronomers have concluded. I don't doubt their knowledge one bit, however, they have to realize: you can't teach an old dog new tricks...especially this old dog!

mmm..chocolate virgin mary ?

This morning while browsing the web I came across yet another story about people worshipping some type of food which THEY BELIEVE holds a likeness to the Virgin Mary. Just what exactly is it with people always seeing depictions of the virgin mary in food ? This time, it was found in a chocolate factory among scraps of other pieces of chocolate.

I don't know about you, but I don't see the likeness here at all (see pic below)...in fact, just looking at this picture of chocolately goodness is making me hungry. I understand that in these days and times everybody wants to take some comfort in their religion and salvation, etc...but just the thought of people literally worshipping a mis-shapen piece of chocolate with prayers and rose petals is just a little too much !! C'mon people..its a fucken piece of chocolate!!!! Get over it already.


depiction of the virgin mary or just a wonderful chocolatey replacement for sex?

the last few drops of summer...

I still can't believe the summer is almost over! In what appears like a millisecond's time since spring ended, the sun is starting to set earlier and earlier each day - and suddenly, the nights and mornings appear just a little too chilly to wear a tank top or my sandals when I'm walking my Taz.

Anyway...here's what has been keeping me busy in these dog days:

1) Forcing myself to work out 3 times a week on my elliptical machine - no matter how lazy, tired, or busy I seem to be

2) Procrastinating on posting pictures to Lollapalooza 2006- which I attended at the beginning of the month. You guys can see what little I do have posted from the grand event here. The pictures at night which are barely visable are of Red Hot Chili peppers and Kanye West shows. (more on my lollapalooza experience below)

3) Starting the whole process of appealing my cook county property taxes all by myself (they are proposing to raise it by an astonishing 30%!!!). That craziness being said, I've done quite a bit of research on my neighboring buildings and read almost every piece of literature on the subject that I can get my hands on. I refuse to go quietly into the night!

4) Reading to my hearts content, because in less than a month when I start school I won't have that luxury anymore!!

As for Lollapalooza 2006, what more can I say other than it was such a kick ass experience! The weather was perfect in Chicago and most of the bands we saw were actually very interactive and sounded pretty good acoustically. As the days progressed, we did start getting to the festival later and later due to fatigue setting in and the fact that most of the bigger acts were later on anyway. Some of the bands we did check out were: auqualung, death cab for cutie, stars, gnarls barkely, the editors, the shins, kanye west, red hot chili peppers, blackalicious, and common. I was really bummed I didn't get to see the subways, ohmega watts, or kill Hannah, but what can I say ? You have to schedule your time wisely and if two good acts are going on at the same time at different ends of the park, you just can't be in two places at one time. Three whole days of live music for $140 was definitely worth it and I plan on going again next year if I can!

war...what is is good for ?!!

More and more, I wonder if the end of the world is upon us. Every time I turn on the tube or search news websites, I am inundated with pictures and words of large scale destruction, meaningless killings and bombings, and most of all, deep rooted hatred affecting countries near and far. I am not a very religious gal, however I do consider myself pretty spiritual...and I can't help but wonder, "is this just the beginning of the end?"

No one can deny there is something terribly wrong with the world as it stands today. Thousands upon thousands of helpless people are caught in the crossfire, being killed just because they live in the wrong place at the wrong time. What is all this hatred for? What does it serve? What good is power and/or politics if all your people are dead? I just can't see how things can continue on this path of death and war without heavy consequence for everyone around the globe. What's most astonishing to me is how the value of life has been diminished to nothing and how much hatred there is going on around us. I can't comprehend why war and hatred have reigned supreme on almost everything. It's like the world has gone crazy.

This is not the way life was supposed to be. It was supposed to be filled with family, friends, love, and respect for others (even when you don't necessarily agree with others). Life is far too valuable to be wasting it on hatred based on differences of opinion, religion, and politics. Most all war is built upon trivial bullshit put into play by people who want the world to be a homogenous replica of what they themselves believe in.

Why can't we just get along...or at least just let each other be. One thing is for sure: with the state of the world as it is today, I find myself clinging to and appreciating family and friends a lot more than I used to...

In the words of the late, great John Lennon "some say I'm a dreamer..but im not the only one..."

Promoting Literacy in Chicago's Latino Community

I just received email from The Chicago Latino Network and wanted it to pass the information on to others which may feel compelled to help Latino children in need in Chicago.

Chicago Public Schools (CPS) launched a new parenting and literacy pilot program last year called Padres a Padres for 3 and 4 year olds. It enrolled about 30 children who did not have other available preschool options into a special program. CPS set up a preschool classroom at a park district field house and got the kids and parents together twice a week. Each week, along with other activities, the teacher read a book and the children got to take a copy of the same book home with them. The parents were in the classroom learning how to read the books to their children to instill a love for reading and learning in their children. The class is taught in Spanish and all books are Spanish language. The program also includes an outing to the local library and home visits by CPS staff. This program has a wonderful parenting component and focuses on closing the book gap ('well-off' kids have hundred of children's books in their homes; 'poor' kids have only a handful).

CPS is planning to expand the program this Fall to include both a West side and a North side location, hoping to enroll up to 200 kids. Buying books are a large part of the budget for this fledgling program and they could use help as they expand the program.



Several local organizations, including the Chicago Latino Network, are taking a 200-book challenge to help defray the costs of expanding this wonderful program. Please join us!

The Chicago Latino Network asks its members and friends to donate new copies of the children's favorite, El Conejito Andarin, in hardcover format to the Padres a Padres Literacy Program at Chicago Public Schools. We are looking to collect 200 new hardcover copies of El Conejito Andarin by the Fall!

Among other places, the book is available online at:
Amazon.com for $15.60 (free shipping if you buy 2) - click here
Walmart.com for $11.18 (with $.97 shipping) - click here
Booksamillion.com for $12.46 (free shipping if you buy 3 copies) - Click here
Barnesandnoble.com for $10.95 (free shipping if you buy 3) - click here

Prices and promotions subject to change.

If you are ordering the books online, please have them shipped directly to
Luz Maria Solis
Chicago Public Schools
125 S. Clark St., 9th floor
Chicago, IL 60603
Phone: (773) 553-2019

Put "Donation for the Padres a Padres Program from [your name]" in the gift message.

back to your regularly scheduled blog...

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but I find myself beside myself - just quietly enjoying life to the fullest. For the past few weeks I have been keeping myself busy by:

~ playing the "I hate Bush" game in my head...you know the one where you don't wish death upon him, just simply fantasize what his hell would look like (you know you want to try it). My favorite thus far is an eternity of him being buttfucked so he can get a taste for what he's been doing to the U.S. and various countries around the world since he cheated his way into office (Did I mention I love this game?)

~ being a total bookslut. I have been reading an average of a book or two a week, with my most recent reads being "An Ordinary Man", "Lolita", "Sex, Time and Power: How Women's Sexuality Changed the Course of Human Evolution", and "Life of Pi"

~Enjoying the celebration of 4 years of bliss with the boyfriend (our anniversary was on Monday, ya'll)

~ going bike-riding on my new Fuji bike

~ stretching out the gas in my car as long as humanly possible before filling it back up again (I've been down to the wire, I'm afraid)

~ knitting a beautiful lilac scarf (I promise to post a picture of my first solo project when I'm done with it)

~ catching up (and then some) with an old friend from high school via yahoo messenger (my, how times have changed since then)

~ actually forgoing my life as a hermit and venturing outside to socialize in the form of dinner with friends, house parties, bar-b-ques, and the like

~Patiently awaiting the 1st of the month for my payroll and rent checks to roll through (finally, some credits instead of debits are appearing in my checking account)

In any case, I will try to get back into the habit of blogging more often again. I hope you all are enjoying your summer as much as I am !

this is me...

I know ~ I have a long way to go to reach my goals - but I am getting there slowly

I believe ~ everything happens for a reason, no matter how fucked up it seems at first

I fought ~ the desire to sell myself short too many times to count..and still do to this day

I am angered ~ by ignorance and selfish people

I love ~ the feeling I get when he holds me in the middle of the night

I need ~ a vacation (and a manicure)

I take ~ the problems of the world onto my shoulders and in my heart

I hear ~ my radio playing in my cubicle - Gnarls Barkley to be exact

I drink ~ green tea like its crack

I hate ~ the smell of smoke...yet I can't seem to quit smoking

I use ~ my smile as a defense mechanism

I want ~ to understand the reason for my existence

I decided ~ I am happy with life just the way it is at the moment

I like ~ sleeping in on the weekends - when my dog lets me

I am ~ finally registered for a class for my masters...finally

I feel ~ out of place in the world more times than I care to admit

I left ~ my feelings of inadequacy at the door this morning

I do ~ not know how to say no to people...even when I should

I hope ~ to some day make a difference in someone's life

I dream ~ of growing old with him...

I drive ~ a car that's been in the shop a 3 whopping times within the last month & a half

I listen ~ to the whispers and shouts of my heart, my mind, and my soul daily

I type ~ fast and furiously - albeit with many spelling mistakes (thank god for spell check)

I think ~ too much, non stop, never ending

I wish ~ war would be a thing of the past..though I believe it never will

I compensate ~ for my mistakes with a lot of heart

I regret ~ that I inadvertently broke the hearts of many people in my short life span

I care ~ too much at times about things I cannot control

I should ~ hang out with my girls more often..really i should

I am not always ~ the nicest person in the world - blame it on the boriqua genes

I said ~ "life isn't about finding yourself, its about creating yourself" and meant it...

I wonder ~ if the roadkill on the street are really successful suicides by depressed animals

I changed ~ my life despite the innate fears of change I hold inside

I cry ~ whenever the tears need to make their appearance

I am ~ a symphony of contradictions at times

I am not ~ as self-confident as I used to be

I lose ~ my cool in traffic (one hour commutes with no a/c in the summer is killer)

I leave ~ soul naked as a child...can you accept me for me ?


ganked from ms mickey glitter

Mike....

In love...
I take you in
With eyes and heart aflame
Your essence
Engulfs me
We are one and the same
In love...

mantra of the day: positivity is a way of life (ohhmmm)

I realized something last night (yet again). Despite my best attempts at being positive, I'm physically & psychologically drained, tired and cranky all the damn time. Subconsciously I know life is too short to be any of things for long...and truthfully, compared to many others in the world -my life is a cakewalk. It's amazing how the hum drum of life can drag you down. It's an internal struggle I have found myself grappling with for quite a while.

But, as they say...negative in...negative out. So today, I sparked an internal change (once again) to manifest positivity into my life in small ways. (Hopefully) one day it will be instinctive as opposed to conscious actions. But in the meanwhile, I shall consciously appreciate and enjoy the small things in life that REALLY matter. Stuff like: the warm feeling I get inside when my boyfriend clings to me in the middle of the night. Or, how wonderful it is to come home to the happiest dog in the world who just couldn't wait for me to come walking through that door so he can land a kiss on me.

I will try not to sweat the spilled milk of my life. Instead, I will cherish the wonder that is my journey. And in doing so, today I reverberate my mantra: positivity is a way of life (ohhhmmmm)

stick a fork in me...i'm done !

It's 4:30 p.m. and I refuse to do another lick of work. What can I say other than it's been a long day and I've accomplished so much that working any more would prove to be the equivalent of overtime to me. That being said, lemme say that it's truly surprising to me after carefully staring at spreadsheets ALL DAY, EVERY DAY for the past few years that:

(1) I am not cross eyed
(2) my eyesight IS NOT so bad that I can be declared legally blind
(3) My chair here at the office doesn't have a permanent butt print in it

hotter than hell...

Today I check Tom Skilling's 7 day forecast - only to find that it was an astounding 8,282 degrees out today in Chicago. HAH!


help me, I'm melting!!!


(the sad thing is that this was the highlight of my morning)

6.6.6 ~ the day my car was possessed ~

Anyone know a good priest which can do an exorcism on a car ? My 96 corolla was possessed this morning, I tell you! Here's the scoop: for a while now, my car has been giving me problems starting; yet no one could figure out why. This morning, I meagerly attempted to start my car, only for it to stick up it's middle finger to me for a good minute and a half. When I do finally start it, it sputters before turning over. So, finally it starts (yay!), but as I drive it a few feet I notice it sounds strange, so I pull over to park it.

Here's where it starts to get strange: the first thing I do is take out the key out of the ignition, right? AND GET THIS: THE CAR WOULDN'T TURN OFF!! The key is sitting in my lap and the engine is still on!!! So I did what any person in their right mind would: I started freaking out, calling to wake up my boyfriend to explain what was going on. Lo and behold, when I go to open the hood, the engine is going and all the little belts and such are flowing...all without a key in the ignition. That's when the smoke started coming out of the engine like it was on fire. It was horrible! Between waiting for a tow truck and taking it to the shop then hitching a ride from the boyfriend, my possessed car made me over 2 and a half hours late for work. Hopefully, my car is still salvageable and I pray that the mechanic doesn't screw me over like so many tend to do.

I did luck out in one aspect, though...a nice man felt sorry for me as he drove past, so he stopped to help me out in the heat of it all. Turns out he owns a towing company in Chicago and he only charged me $50 for a tow across town!!! I guess it pays to be stranded in a pretty skirt, doesn't it ? (smile)

3 day weekend here I come

Before I left work early to embark on the 3 day holiday weekend, I wanted to send you all out a lil positive energy in hopes that you enjoy the memorial day weekend however the hell you see fit (i.e. whatever makes you happy). Whether that be spending it with friends & family, escaping it all by going away for the weekend, drinking massive quantities of alchohol (and/or or smoking a few blunts..smile), sleeping in, b-b-q-ing pound upon pound of meat, and/or singing in the shower...whatever!! I hope your weekend really rocks.

Just don't forget the true meaning behind the day! Memorial Day is a day to remember all the fallen soldiers who died so we can retain our freedom. So pay your respects between beer gulps, ya hear me?!!!

1984

big brother's slogan in 1984

If you haven't heard of or read the classic novel - 1984 yet, do yourself a favor and go check it out of the library. Since I have started reading the book, I can't put it down. The views and visions this novel portrays about a crazy, all-engulfing totalitarian government and it's brainwashed citizens just sends chills down my spine. Especially with the blatant abuse of power that the US government has been flexing lately, somehow the books words hit my like a gong and make the dark reality of the novel more like a horror story in my eyes.

Word to the wise though: if you haven't read the book and click on the link I gave you, steer clear of the last paragraph: it kinda gives away the ending.

yup, i'm talkin to you...

List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1. I'd like to think one day we will get married, yet sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for you
2. And the most boring conversationalist award goes to...you!
3. Your voice is so squeaky it makes me want to tear my eyes out!
4. Stay in school young buck; you have so much potential and are TOO smart to just drop out!!
5. I hope one day you can forgive me and we can be friends again. I love ya.
6. I feel like we've known each other for years even though we just met
7. I want to call you to hang out but I know I will just have to deal with your bullshit all over again
8. You were my first love but not the last. Who knew my heart could heal after all that SHIT?!!
9. You try to perpetrate as a friend but your really just a maniacal bitch
10. Thank you for always being here for me (you're the bomb)

wedding talk

from left to right: me, madre, brother, new sister in law, papi

Well, Saturday was my brothers wedding and it went off without a hitch (apart from that crazy cop who threatened to tow our limo when we went to take pictures at the Adler Planetarium - but that's another story all-together). What else can I say about the joyous day (which over 200 people attended) except that both the bride and groom were as happy as school kids in love. As for me, I have learned I have developed a LOVE-HATE relationship with standing up in weddings...especially big weddings.

Behold the top 5 pros and cons of standing up in a wedding
created by: dragonflypurity
Pros
1. You get the whole up close and personal experience with the happy couple: i.e. seeing the pre- chapel jitters, standing so close to them during the vows you can touch them, and traveling in style in the limo dammit !!!
2. You look damn hot, baby (so hot in fact the boyfriend can't keep his eyes and hands off you)
3. The traditional bridesmaid/groomsmen gifts you get as a thank you for everything
4. Experiencing the feeling of joy, hope, and excitement that only a wedding of someone you love can bring you
5. Did I mention the limo ?

Cons
1. A smile needs to be plastered on your face the whole time. In my experience, your cheeks will hurt and will need at least a full day to heal
2. All the damn pictures you need to take...due to the proximity of me & the happy couple, I know there are probably some scary looking pictures out there with me scowling, adjusting my bra area, or just plain looking crazy. Let's just hope they don't circulate the internet on snapfish or something. (Oh well)
3. Do to all the planning, running around, and other responsibilities of being in the wedding party, you really don't have time to actually ENJOY the wedding until it's extremely late at night. And by that time: you are so freakin' tired that your feet are throbbing & all you can think about is slipping into a nice hot bath then some comfy sweatpants
4. Not spending any time with the significant other you want to spend the rest of your life with - which, coincidentally, was not part of the wedding party
5. Between the compounded pain of wearing your shoes and/or dress for a good 18.5 hours AND the hangover you have the day afterward, you feel like somebody just kicked your @ss something fierce

did I miss anything ?!!

occurance of murphy's law?

why is it every time I wash my car it rains within 12 hours of the actual car wash ?

it must be murphy's law at work...(sigh)

doin' the humpty dance

I know it's only hump day, but to me, it's already Friday. I am leaving work early today and have tomorrow and Friday off to entertain family coming in from out of town for my brothers wedding - which takes place this Saturday! Four day weekend here I come ! And a busy weekend it will be: between entertaining family, being in the wedding, and my boyfriends shoulder surgery tomorrow, I have to help plan the rehearsal dinner AND do all last minute errands for the wedding that I have been putting off for weeks.

Aside from the stress of it all, the wedding has sparked something else in my heart: joy. I have never seen my brother so happy and alive as he is right now (which is saying a lot because my brother is an eternal optimist and is always smiling). I know Saturday when the vows take place I will surely shed a tear- the first of my tears to ever fall due to a wedding.

stayin busy...

This was one of the most productive (and fun) weekends that I've had in a long time. In a period of 2.5 days, I have:

~ Brought the new Gnarls Barkley cd (it's HOT, so peep it)
~ worked on my house with the boyfriend: including rerouting electrical, patching up drywall, and painting (check)
~ Went partying Friday night (check)
~ Scrubed and washed the mutt, who got wall paint all over his little body (check)
~ Cleaned the house from end to end plus did laundry (double check)
~ Watched Mission Impossible 3 with the boyfriend (check)
~ Spent quality time with the family in celebration of Mothers Day (check)
~ Spent quality time with the boyfriend and mutt every available moment

ahh....life is good, ya'll !

tears which flow for no reason at all...

There is no rhyme or reason to my tears
they come and fall at their own discretion
each entering the world from the corners of my eyes
only to die on the axis of my chin
each tear stands unique
finding pain and beauty in the intricacies
my soul has woven
each a subtle reminder of life

despite myself...
I still bear long forgotten baggage
it rolls over me in the form of tears
they roll down my face
inexplicably opening the floodgates of my soul
held inside for over 27 years

"Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing. He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother's busy holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're fully absorbed." ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Have you read about how the U.S. government has been collecting data on the phone calls of TENS OF MILLIONS of Americans, including those calls made by American Citizens NOT suspected of terrorist activities? While I know that big brother spying on us shouldn't surprise me in the least bit, this news somehow blew my mind. It truly creeps me out that my private conversations with friends & family are no longer private. Whether I want to have phone sex, talk politics, or cry on the phone it's NONE OF THE GOVERNMENT'S DAMN BUSINESS!! Aren't there more important things to spend OUR PRECIOUS tax dollars on than spying on us and building a HUGE database to index it all ?

Another feeling I cannot repress is the anger for what our government is evolving into. Maybe "evolving into" is the wrong phrase to use, because in many people's eyes, it's been the same bullshit being shoveled to us for many years.

Any way you cut it, this mass indexing of american citizen calls is an unacceptable invasion of privacy laws AND blatant abuse of government power. It clearly violates the U.S. Communications Act which states that telephone companies are prohibited from giving out any information about their customers without a court order. Furthermore, this abuse of power totally disregards the 4th amendment!

What's next: microchipping my ass?!

stich n bitch

the sleeve of a baby sweater created by me !

Recently, I took up knitting with a few gals from work. As our first project we are knitting a sweater for the baby of a coworker. I was in charge of the sleeve. what do you think ?

Who knew I could be domesticated ?!!

isn't mom due for that raise ?

A ran into an interesting article yesterday, which ran just in time for mothers day.

A study conducted by salary.com took into account the top 10 roles a mother plays for her family, compromising of jobs like day care teacher, cook, janitor, driver, and even psychologist to figure out what a mother SHOULD get paid for all her hard work and dedication to her family. By inputting the amount of hours she puts in for each role and multiplying it by the average hourly wage for each, it was calculated that the average stay at home mother should be receiving a $134,121 per year for services rendered to her loved ones: a salary equivalent to an executive position! Now if she is a mom who holds down a job outside of the home, she would earn an extra $85,876 on top of what she already earns! In my opinion, my mother's value is so much more than even that: you just can't put a dollar value on everything she did, and continues to do for my familia. That being said, I thought the study was interesting, though it fails to show how that hard work continues long after the children get into college (in many cases, it never stops ya'll - just the type of work she does changes).

But if you want to take a closer look, check out Salary.com's mother calculator to check how much you and/or your mother SHOULD be getting paid!

And while you're at it, don't forget to get your mother something extra special next week to show her how much you appreciate everything she does! She deserves it and so much more!! Truth is: she has the hardest job in the world!

m.h.a.d. thoughts

It should be a crime to have to work on beautiful days such as today. They should be declared as quai-holidays, allotted to employees like PTO or sick days - dubbed mental health and appreciation days (MHAD). Hee hee. Talk about having cabin fever. What can I say: it's just too gorgeous outside to be stuck in the office behind a computer from 9-5!!!!

remembering felipe

happy b-day abuelito..

Today marks what would have been my grandpa's 77th birthday. And despite the fact he was a loner and we barely spoke more than an hour or so straight in my life, today I find myself thinking of him constantly.

As I said before, Felipe was a quiet man: he kept to himself and stood somewhat in the shadows when it came to family life. He was born and raised in Aguadilla, PUERTO RICO - a small fishing town located on the island's northwest corner and loved to drink and smoke (much like myself, I might add). He had 12 children with my grandma (I know they were freaky freaks) - of which mi madre is the eldest. From what I hear he was one hell of a salsa dancer. OH, and he LOVED baseball - he was forever a White Sox fan. I only wish he was around to cherish their championship last year. He would have just died (no pun intended). In any case, in 2001 he died of emphysema which progressed into lung cancer, which was due to smoking heavily for most of his life. I will never forget, despite the pain he endured with his illness, how he smoked cigarettes to his last day on earth.

It's sad that everything I ever knew about my grandpa could be summarized into one short paragraph. With that said, I shed a tear of sorrow with the revelation that I will never truly know the man my grandpa really was.

Cartoon Source

Anyone else peeved that gas prices are steadily rising each day yet all the big oil companies profits are just through the roof ?!! Can you say PRICE GOUGING ?!!

discussed: [gas prices]

i love day's like these !

a child's depiction of a soul...

The building here at work is swarming with muchkins: all meticulously sharpening their pencils, coloring on blank sheets of paper, and swirling round and round in our office chairs. Due to it being "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day", our office is full of the life and laughter only children can bring. My company takes this day very seriously, providing day long activities for them around campus intertwined with some time with actually seeing what the parent does for a living. It's actually very nice if you ask me!

I can recall many years ago, when my mom once took me to work with her in celebration of the more outdated "Take your Daughter to work day". I remember being fascinated by all the attention from her coworkers and how special I felt having been able to help my mom in everyday mundane tasks that bore me like all hell as an office dweller these days. It truly made me feel closer to my mom in a way I can't even explain. Thinking back, the memory will always stay fresh in my mind and I know if and when I do have children, you better believe they will come and celebrate the day with me just the way it was intended.

this world's a bubble

With all these networking and reunion sites out there it seems the world has shrunk 10 times over. I recently compounded this "shrinkage" by opening up a myspace account last week. You type in all your information and, presto, suddenly there is a list of people which you "probably" know from previous schools attended or from your previous job.

I have to admit, it was kinda nice to see the faces of high school friends I haven't spoke to in 10 years. It was even nicer to email a few back and forth to bullshit and catch up. Though, it's too bad it can't block out those you want to forget, like ex boyfriend from hell and that conceited stuck up girl from back in the day. What's funnier to me is that some things just don't change. This is evident simply by the look of ms thang's profile (you know the ones with pics of her booty everywhere). Looks like the only thing that changed about her is her waist size. Not to say that I wish any one (not even the abovementioned asshole ex) bad in their life, I just rather not even think about all the long since past bullshit and drama.

Yet, I feel all the high school memories coming back to me the more I think about it all.

confessions

1. Due to the horrible fact that each morning I walk my dog half asleep - straight out of bed - I tend to be pretty spaced out during our walks. Well, this morning I accidentally brought the wrong set of keys out with me, locking me out of my house. Picture me: locked out of my house at 6:45 a.m. in my pajamas, with my hair in a half-ass ponytail (because nobody wants to see my afro that early in the morning lemme tell you), with no cell phone...trying to crawl in through the window. Yeah, I know, it was incredibly stupid thing to do, but in afterthought, it was HILARIOUS !

2. I haven't cooked a hot meal in over a week. Please don't ask me what my diet has been consisting of, I might have to lie or plead the fifth.

3. Don't tell anyone, but I used the Crate and Barrel gift card my brother gave me for Christmas to buy his wedding gift online. C'mon now, times are harsh, what can I say ?!!

4. For the past two months I thought I blew out my subwoofer in the car, when all it was is that I somehow turned on a feature which deactivated my back speakers...opps! I'm glad I didn't take it into the shop. (I swear I went to college, I swear it!!)

discussed: [confessions]

the bookworm in me is applauding

Guess what ? If you own a Chicago Public Library Card, you can now download audio books for free!! I just checked, and they currently have over 1300 books for immediate download, some which can even be burned to cd. For the next few months, don't be surprised to find me avidly "reading" in the car.

discussed: [library], [audio books]

enter stage...poetry

Reversing the psyche of regret

Double bladed regret
Let me slip into your self pshyche
words and images unfold the untold
/thoughts so deep you did't even know they are there/
Instead you
Block it out
Foreshadowed in self doubt
you let them take advantage of your innocence...
of your heart...
set out from the start to impart lonliness onto your unknowing heart
But thats just the start
CUZ
this path you laid out
like tarot cards on the floor
and somewhere through this mess
you've come to expect
the regrets
so deeply set
in your mind
so take this time
make boundary lines ands define
what you are
And what you are not
double dot those i's
as you then watch your spirit soar high
grow dem wings you never knew you had inside
AND JUST FLY !!

Written by : dragonflypurity (time unknown : maybe 2004-2005)


tag, i'm it: [poetry]

summer state of mind

It's definitely a good day! It's close to 80 degrees here in Chicago and the office is as quiet as a breeze. Plus, there's talk that management will let us out early in celebration to the Easter holiday. Whoo HOO!!

Good news: my sinus infection is in recession and I can finally breathe with somewhat ease today. It's funny how you take your health for granted until you are sick for long stretches at a time, isn't it ? Needless to say, I'm feeling like a million bucks. This morning I opened up all my windows in the car for the first time this year and sang at the top of my lungs to Mystic on the way to the office. (sidenote: does anyone, by chance, know what happened to her ? She hasn't made anything in a minute.)

Anyway, I am enjoying the weather more than words could possibly convey. Just feeling the sun on my face and the warmth in the air makes me reminiscent of summer vacation, bar-be-ques, and the scent of my mom's garden. To top things off, just last night I heard the ice cream truck make it's way down my block. :)

I hope you all are enjoying SPRING as much as I am.

tag, i'm it: [summer]

gigitty! giggity!

I just found out they came out with a Family Guy monopoly game. Screw the bills, I gotta get my hands on this game!!

build it and they will (still) come...

That phrase has stuck with me the last few weeks amongst all the talk about changing the illegal immigration policy in the U.S. Mainly, because in my mind, even if the U.S. constructs a Berlin proportioned wall between the borders between the U.S. and Mexico, people will still find their way in, whether it be through obtaining illegal paperwork or climbing and/or cannonballing themselves above it. This debate has really hit me hard, as it deals directly with my chicano brothers and sisters out there. While they may be illegal: they are undoubtedly an integral portion of the fabric of this society. Yet I am torn as a taxpayer to be forced to pay their debt to society. It truly is a strange feeling.

And above all the chatter of the media and heated debate among all of us with a voice, I know in my heart that the proposed policy changes will not work. Immigration will continue to be a daunting problem. I say this simply for many reasons, but most importantly, I say this because the policy changes do not deal with the root cause of the immigration problem: the economic crisis going on in Mexico. It's a simple fact: these people are fleeing their beloved country because of necessity and hope for a better life. They are so desperate that they risk life and limb to get here illegally. The proposed policy changes totally ignore this fact. What our government should be focusing on (instead of trying to put up a physical border) is to deal with the root issue of WHY they are coming here!!! And the solution is economically simple: Let's help Mexico become a more prosperous nation, allowing their poor and homeless a chance at survival and mere happiness. It can be as simple as giving U.S. companies tax breaks which open up shop there.

Last but not least, I must say that I'm sick and tired of people (and to a lesser extent: the media) quoting statistics stating that Mexican-Americans are more criminal, less intelligent, more lazy, and are a drain to our society as a whole. Believe it or not, it's true: if every single illegal immigrant was labeled a criminal and deported, we would truly fuck this country up in unimaginable ways. While undocumented workers are only about 5 percent of our overall labor force, they are between 22 and 36 percent of: America's insulation workers, miscellaneous agricultural workers, meat-processing workers, construction workers, dishwashers, and maids. The American Farm Bureau, the lobbying group for agricultural interests, says that without guest workers, the United States would lose $5 billion to $9 billion a year in fruit, vegetable, and flower production alone.

(source for figures in the last paragraph: "Undocumented workers contribute plenty" - The Boston Globe)

~^~@ Later post @~<~
Thinking about it some more, the most positive thing to come out of this whole ordeal is the fact that mi gente really came together peacefully and united. I'm proud to be Chicana!



Latinos unidos

image source

intoxicated love

My man with a heart of gold
I stare into your eyes
I am....drowsy from meds
yet am not to far off the map

My heart take a step back to...
witness you in all your glory
My man w/ a heart of gold
Blind from love
Calling me beautiful despite a red nose and eyes

Laying beside you...
I've come to realize
You save me from myself
My man with a heart of gold
Mahal Kita...

scribed by dragonflypurity circa 04/12/06

It's been beautiful outside for the past week here in Chicago. Unfortunately, I have not been able to enjoy much of it due to a nasty sinus infection which doesn't want to go away. I've been hopped up on antibiotics, Nyquil, DayQuil, and green tea laced with honey and lemon for so long I fear my body doesn't know how to function without them in my system. I'm going to have to go back to the doctor soon because all the meds don't seem to be doing much but getting the virus that found it's way into my body even madder.

my word cloud

I stumbled across this nifty website which scans the words on your blog and makes a word collage of all the most used ones. Of course, they use this tool to get you to buy your own t-shirt sporting the collage (gotta love it).

You can even change some of the words and replace them with others that define you more, if you wish. As for me, I think mine was just fine.

Go check it out!!!

spring cleaning...

Today I spent the entire day doing what every woman does when she's tense and in need of recentering and beginning a new life. I scrubbed, vacuumed, washed, and cleaned every inch of my house to a sparkly clean finish. In the process, I threw out 5 garbage bags full of junk and put together 2 huge boxes of clothes and books which I intend to donate. I sit back now and enjoy the scent of fresh bedsheets and my vanilla scented candle in the background...ahhh, what a wonderful feeling.

In other news, my asshole tenants are finally gone as of Friday night. I celebrated the occasion by consuming way too much alcohol. Another huge change on the horizon: Me & the boyfriend are planning to move in together. It's almost official (gasp). This is the greatest jump I think I've ever taken and I can't stop smiling.

Life is good!

whew!

I'm beyond happy that today's Friday. The day is almost over for me at work and my mind is already thinking about all the important things that need to get done this weekend, aside from catching up on some much needed sleep.

For over a week now, I have not been able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. Tonight, when my bastard ass tenants are finally out of my building (which I seriously hope they are), I think I will feel much better. For the record, I have to say that tenant laws SUCK! I understand their premise in protecting tenants from asshole landlords, however, they leave no room for justice for landlords stuck with asshole tenants. I really think they should maintain a middle ground of rights for both parties. But of course, they don't! It's a damn shame I have to go through all these steps and spend all this money (which I don't even have) to get those losers out of my building...all while they are living rent free. It truly rubs me the wrong way in more ways than I care to discuss here.

Anyway, my brother and his fiance finally put up their wedding website. Click here for my shameless plug. Doesn't my brother look like the cutest lil guero? Who would guess he's full blooded Mexirican? If you look at the media gallery located on the bottom of the main page, you will also be amused when you hear their twisted "wedding song". In the process of listening you can see tons of pics of family as well (including a baby picture of me). Truthfully, I still am in denial that he's actually going through it! Wow, we're getting old!!

sleepless in chicago

I can't sleep.
Whole body tremors.
I'm all alone...
broken in so many ways
I can never be complete again

Desperate thoughts
And sounds of my sink
Drop drop
Keep me awake deep into the night

I try to wipe it all clean
Close my eyes inhaling positivity
But where can minds go
When your all alone
Friendless and penniless ?

Emptiness reigns supreme

lollapalooza, here i come!

130 acts over 3 days!!

It's offical, me and the boyfriend have tickets to Lollapalooza. Whoo hoo!

for all those right brainers out there !

I found the coolest Visual Thesaurus today while lazily browsing the internet at work. It displays words and their synonyms in relationship to each other graphically. It even pronounces the words for you over the internet - perfect for those children struggling in English.



I love it! I simply love it!!!

word of the day: uncentered

Today is a day marked with scattered thoughts running through my brain, all trying to catch up to my fingers which struggle to type so fast this early in the morning.

I'm in yet another bout of depression. I'm in the process of evicting one of my tenants for non payment of rent. Throughout this whole process, I have a swarm of emotions which have taken over. I feel angry, heartbroken, flat-out broke, and even evil -throwing a young couple expecting their first child out onto the streets. I am a very reasonable woman, but this being a landlord thing is so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

Furthermore, tomorrow marks the third anniversary of the war in Iraq. A full 1095 days and almost $250,000,000,000 American dollars later...and sadly, the condition in Iraq is even worse than it was before our troops set foot on their desert ground. Tomorrow there will be an anti-war rally and march on Chicago's Michigan Ave which I am seriously thinking about dragging my boyfriend to.

With all this talk about life's purpose on Oso's and Amadeo's blogs, I have begun once more to mull over the meaning and purpose of my own existence. I have been on this earth almost 28 years and still - have no real idea of who I am. There are times which I look in the mirror and find nothing but love and appreciation for all my little intricacies, yet 10 minutes later I am face up against the wall wishing and hoping to be that stronger, more centered individual I know I can be. After a full 12 years of being in the workforce, I have never held a job where I actually woke up (most) mornings and was delighted to start the day and go to work. One thing's for certain, I have passion for those who I love and (most) days I have a passion for life. Today, though, I sit in my cube confused, sad, and questioning "could there be more?"

my verbal therapy

depression

sadness envelopes us all
waiting for our fall
so it can take hold
and
hold you captive all alone
but not alone.

It's a narcotic tricks your mind and heart to believe so
Just look around and see....no one.

julian beever...artist extraordinaire

I received an email from a coworker today which contained dozens of pictures of 3-D sidewalk art by an English cat named Julian Beever. The art literally jumps out to you when viewed from the right angle. Anyhow, I was so blown away with it, I had to share.



tell me, is that a real hole or a mirage ?


You can view more of his 3-D sidewalk art here

how free are we (really?)

In April there will be a new museum opening up in Chicago which will attempt to inspire and educate young and old alike about freedom (or lack thereof) in the states.

In fact, The McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum has already caused a stir by placing ads like these around the city.

Some interesting tid bits of info: The museum financed a random telephone survey of 1,000 American adults and found that only about one in four Americans (28 percent) were able to name more than one of the five fundamental freedoms granted to them by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Sad, eh?

But is our collective ignorance really that bad?!!! I found this random blog where a linguist breaks down the museums press release only to uncover what most sneaky marketers already know: word play can make all the difference in selling something.

Being that as it may, I plan on checking out the museum once it opens. In my opinion, it's a much needed fresh and inspiring idea. I just hope the museum doesn't try to sugarcoat the current realities of the American Dream by saying "there was slavery, then there was suffrage, then there was the civil rights movement...now....America is simply perfect!!" I think I just might puke.

Oh! The museum's website also contains a Freedom IQ test for people to check their savvy. (Click on "Am I free?" on the toolbar, then click Take the freedom quiz on the bottom right).

It's a shame that the woman's body is once again a legal battleground

picture from life and liberty for women


**please note the last half of this entry is from an archived post. I put it there to explain more in depth my feelings about abortion

I still can't believe it...South Dakota has officially ripped women living within its borders of their right to an abortion...even in cases or rape and/or incest. Obviously, they don't give a rat's ass about a woman's well being in the least bit. Talk about some extremist conservative bullshit!!!

My heart cries out in pain for all the women subjected to this crap before Roe n Wade, and even more so for the women living in South Dakota who will be forced to do their own abortions or leave the state just to get the procedure done. Bush and his cronies undoubtedly are beginning their plot to overturn Roe n Wade, this I am sure of.

Women of the nation, we must unite!! Please sign a petition to keep abortion legal in your state:

It's Happened in South Dakota - Protect Choice in Your State Now! Petition

(begin archived post)

Today women worldwide rallied for their reproductive right to choose abortion. While I may be pro life for myself, I am definitely pro choice for other women. I truly believe in a woman's right to decide what happens to her body and don't think the government, religious institutions, or even family members should have any say in whether she should have a baby or not. Its a woman's prerogative and since she is the one who will be raising and caring for her child, she should be the only one to ultimately decide whether she should bring it into the world or not.

Now don't get me wrong, I do not take abortion lightly, especially since I recently found out that my own life was almost put to a premature end through abortion. My mom seriously considered aborting me when she found out she was pregnant because my parents simply couldn't afford another child. Then, she simply fell in love with me, and decided to have me despite all the money issues. Of course I'm thankful, and this revelation gave me a whole new perspective on abortion...

...but I still think abortion is a woman's right and not a privilege. Many of these pro life activists judge and speak against a subject matter which they ultimately have never been forced to consider. I mean, all these people who call abortion murder obviously never had to deal with living in extreme poverty to the point that they are forced to nearly starve because they are obliged to give their children whatever limited amount of food they have. When they find themselves pregnant yet again, they are forced to make the hard decision on whether they can feasibly feed, clothe and care for another child.

These activists have never been in the shoes of a scared young single teenager who's "loving boyfriend" which she gave everything to (including her virginity) left her, with no support system, with no money to support herself, none the less support a child. While some may say she was stupid to begin with by getting knocked up, this is not a perfect world; sex is human nature and teenagers are increasingly sexual active. Even people who are protected sexually end up with babe 9 months later.

There are countless situations where women have to choose abortion over becoming a mother. It's not an easy decision for anyone to have to consider. It's a scary, sad, and very personal decision that no one has the right to control except the woman herself. Pro life advocates may call these women murderers and whores and insist that its necessary for these women keep their children, but they do nothing to help these women out. They can say what they want, but they will not help these women raise their kids, and they certainly will not provide any monetary or psychological support for these children. Shit, they are just trying to force women who OBVIOUSLY do not want or cannot feasibly have more children to adhere to their ideals and religious beliefs. What's worse to me, is that these children, if they were brought into this world, would most probably be raised in very undesirable and dire circumstances. This ultimately just increases the number of people living in destitution and just increases the gap of poverty in the US. Sigh!!

What I really don't understand about all these right wing republicans (i.e. BUSH & gang) is their wide support of the death penalty (is that not murder as well? I thought they were PRO LIFE), and their rollbacks on laws protecting the environment (are they not supporting the poisoning of us & all the children of the world by lowering these standards?). It's frustrating to me. If they truly wanted to get to the root of this problem and reduce or eliminate abortion, they should at least make birth control and health care widely available to all those who need it in the US. Maybe then, there would be a HUGE drop in the numbers of abortions performed. But of course, that will never happen...So I continue to say:

"To all the haters...its our bodies, not yours (so suck a lemon)"...That is all.

have an orgasmic experience with your ipod !!

ohhh...ahhhh...


The new ipod vibrator tops the list of the most eccentric ipod accessories. But for all the freak-a-deeks out there, it just might be the perfect gift!!!

Taken from TechEBlog's Top 10 Strangest iPod Accessories list via Kerry

nightmares

"All things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams."
Author: Elias Canetti
Source: Die Provinz der Menschen

I rarely remember my dreams. The few I do remember are usually gruesome, scary, and undeniably, are my worst fears come to life. Sometimes I wake up scared, not remembering the exact details of what I was dreaming, but more often than not, I remember every haunting detail...and it never fails to stick with me all day following.

Last night was no exception to the rule. I had a series of dreams which I just cant get out of my mind. They are haunting me.

Dream #1: I dreamt I was kidnapped by a neighbor (whom I can't place his face). He was a fat latino man with a tattoo on his chest of a skull inside a heart. I remember him breaking down my door and killing my dog by grabbing him by the neck and cracking it. He dragged me into his house, which I realize now, was nowhere near my current neighborhood.

Once inside, the stench of ass and mold engulfed me as I looked round the brown and green furniture. I tried kicking and screaming, but he taped up my mouth and took me into his bathroom. He went to grab a beer after he tied one of my hands to the handle bar of his bath tub with a rope. He got undressed, put water in the tub, and tried drowning me. I remember the feeling of water entering my lungs. All I could do is grab anything I could...I was able to grab his beer bottle. So I smashed it against his head, broke it in half, and stabbed him in the heart. Blood was everywhere. With a shred of the bottle, I cut open the rope and freed myself, cutting my hands badly in the process. I thought I was free. Then all I remember is hearing a gun shot from what appeared to be nowhere and seeing blood come out of my stomach...gushing all over my dog, who for some reason was at my feet, still dead. I cried, grabbed him, and died myself...

I woke up, freaked out. Realizing it was a dream and my pooch was snoring peacefully beside my bed, I was able to fall asleep a few minutes later.

Dream #2: I am in a hospital walking down hallways full of nurses & doctors. I seem to be invisible, kinda floating around...no one noticing or talking to me as I walked. I knew I was there to see my father. As I walked the hall, I am able to see people laying in their beds. I saw too many people, sick and lonely in their beds, looking at the hall in anticipation of friends and family they hope come to visit them soon.

I stop outside the room I am sure my father is waiting for me in. Tears start flowing at the thought of what I am about to endure; the scene I know will change my outlook on life, that will somehow define and/or scar me forever. I walk in to see my father smiling yet frail...pale beyond belief. I notice he is missing his foot, now a stub. And as I reach down to kiss him on his bald little head, he stares at me and dies...

All I hear is screams and its coming from inside my head. I pound the bed. I can't see because tears and sunlight have clouded my eyes. And as I look at his face, devoid of life, I faint.

I woke up and tears were still on my face. I must have been talking or something in my sleep, because when I awake my dog is staring at me like I'm on crack.

I get out of bed, wash my face and notice it is 2:45 in the morning. I smoke a cigarette. I crawl back in bed and fall asleep again.

Dream #3: It feels like a continuation of Dream #2. I am at my parent's house. We are sitting down to eat dinner. My father is absent. I know in my heart he is gone, dead. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell him thank you for everything he has taught me and gave me. My heart fills with sadness as I realize I am now a fatherless child.

This is when I wake up, shaking & crying. I can't stop sobbing, even though I know they were all dreams, not reality. All I can do is pray. In between sobs, I prayed like there was no tomorrow. Now, I am not an overly religious person, but this was the only thing that could calm me down. After about 15 minutes, tears subsided. But for the life of me, I couldn't go back to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for over an hour listening...to nothing.

I know the reason for all these dreams and it hits me hard. I may post the root of my fears at a later time, but for now: I need to think and deal with the issues here.

Undeniably, I am scared shitless and don't know what to do...

internal observation number 1

Why is it that I'm so hard on myself ?
Why, when I foul up, am I so disappointed in ME ?
Being an over-acheiver in every sense of the word, I hate the feeling of failure

I know everyone makes mistakes, and that its part of life. But, its especially hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my hands (or my words) did more harm than good.

Hours have passed and I am still fuming at my stupid mistake. While everyone else seemed so forgiving of me, I could not let my actions go without nagging myself with shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

I know all that negative energy can't be good for anyone, yet I can't stop from over-internalizing all my own fears and flaws whenever I fall in life.

Thus, my goal of the day is to realize I'm only human and more importantly just to Get over it!!

the city of chicago does it once again

Excuse me while I vent, but I must share the fact that the department of water in chicago royally sucks the big one.

Yesterday I get my water bill: invoice dated 2/3/06, received on 2/15/06, and GET THIS: due 2/23/06, a whole $250. Now sit for a second a just think about that: they gave me a meager fucken week to pay the bill. And of course, if payment is late, I get slammed with late fees. In my opinion, THEY have some balls talking about late fees when they only give people a total of 8 days to prepare their budgets accordingly. What in gods name is that all about ?!! I have seen terms from loan sharks better than this shit.

While the water bill maybe not be as expensive as...say...real estate taxes, it still requires some additional budgeting on the average person's part. I seriously think it's all a conspiracy so the city can get a few extra dollars from all the late payments they receive. This practice is dishonest, extremely annoying, and it makes me mad to even think that our government is partaking in it.

What sucks even more is that I was doing so good with my budget this month. I had plans to pay off some of my debt early and maybe even buy myself some new shoes.

sigh...bye bye Steve Maddens

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day to everyone! :)

Even though today is just another hallmark holiday, enjoy it by doing something wonderful for YOURSELF.

AND REMEMBER: YOU'RE WORTH MORE THAN WORDS ON A CARD CAN EVER SAY

tag..I'm it !!

Being that I am incredibly bored this morning at work & that I was tagged by erinblog yesterday, here goes another meme to entertain me...er I mean you!

Four Jobs I've had:
1. I was a matchmaking consultant for an upscale dating agency (I actually was responsible for 2 marriages!!)
2. I also managed condos in the Printers Row area in Chicago for a year in college
3. I helped managed free after school tutoring for children in need
4. Now, I'm a marketing database manager at Kellogg School of Management

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Frida
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. The Notebook
4. City of God

Four places I've lived:
1. Chicago, IL (north side)
2. Chicago, IL (west side)
3. Chicago, IL (northwest side)
4. You guessed it, Chicago, IL (near south side)

Four TV shows I love:
1. Sex & the City
2. The Simpsons
3. That 70's Show
4. The Boondocks

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Cancun, Mexico
2. All over the island of Puerto Rico
3. California (San Jose, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Sacramento)
4. Las Vegas

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Pizza, with extra cheese, sliced tomatoes, fresh basil, and sausage. Yummy!!
2. My moms Arroz con Gandules with pork chops
3. Slow-cooked coutry style ribs
4. Homemade chicken fajitas with refried beans, cilantro, salsa verde, and lots of veggies

Four sites I visit daily:
1. BBC
2. Craigslist
3. Google (search engine, news, and g-mail)
4. Several sites listed on my blogroll

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. In bed, sleeping, with my arms wrapped around my boyfriend
2. On a plane, set to go on vacation (anywhere warm please)
3. At home, playing catch or tug of war with my mutt
4. Ditching work and sitting in some cozy and quiet cafe drinking green tea and reading the latest edition of the reader

Four bloggers I am tagging:
1. Mickey Glitter
2. Curly Girl
3. Mexirican
4. Jacqueline

Isn't it some kind of wonderful when the weather mimics your mood?

This morning I awoke cold from head to toe and feeling mighty bitchy at the world. By chance, it's blistery, cloudy, and snowy in Chi-town this morning.

That fact alone almost makes me want to smile...almost

if i was bush's momma

I'd slap him silly!!!

His $2.77 trillion budget proposal which allocates more money towards war than healthcare and education...is just backwards and ridiculously (excuse my french) FUCKED UP!! I mean, we have been in war for going on 5 years and I have seen nothing positive coming out of it (does anything positive really come out of war? Now that's a whole different conversation that I won't even get into right now). Given that fact, what reason do I, as an American, have to allocate more of my tax dollars to it? NADA!!!

Oh, I'm so mad at this prospect that I'm surprised smoke isn't coming out of my ears and ass...

Does anyone else have a serious problem that if his budget flies (which given his track record with congress, it probably will) the total federal debt would swell to $11.5 trillion by they year 2011? I mean, c'mon now!!!

I seriously think American citizens should have a say on this. I just don't trust Bush and his cronies to make the right decision. And, I'm afraid, we will all have to pay for his budget in more ways than one...

super bowl commercials

For those who missed the super bowl commercials, I found a great site to see them:

Super Bowl XL Commercials 2006

car blues

There must be some internal mechanism inside cars that urges them to stall, sputter, and/or not want to start once they hit 100,000 miles...in my opinion its probably something car manufacturers put in place to...persuade...people to seriously consider buying a newer model.

In any case, my old reliable 1996 Toyota has never given me any "real" problems over the last 8 years that I've had it. But like magic, it hit 1000,000 miles last week and since then - it's been taking it's sweet time to turn on; making me attempt to turn it over 3 or 4 times before it finally gives in and turns on. I know one thing for sure: it's not the battery, as its practically brand new. We've got a running bet on what the cause is: so far 2 people think it's the starter, 1 thinks its the alternator, and one thinks it's fuel injector. To make things that much worse, when it does start, for some reason, my speakers seem to come in and out whenever they damn well please.

Dammit. Now I have to take my baby in to the shop this weekend. I just hope it doesn't leave me stranded somewhere in the meanwhile. Most of all, I hope my car is just going through a mini mid-life crisis of sorts and all these issues are not a sign of even more horrible things to come in the future. Arrrghhh

yet another idea for a new show...

Being the weekend warrior that I am, I love watching HGtv. In the midst of watching Design on a Dime tonight, a thought crossed my mind: They should have blooper/ fuck up versions of their shows. Ya know: where they try to liven up a living room only to totally FUCK it up beyond recognition.

I mean...just picture it: the homeowner walking in the room with anticipation after they have done their work and instead of a look of awe and amazement on their face...horror and agony.

I would totally watch it!!

random thoughts edition #22

Its been one helluva a week and I find myself drained mentally as well as physically. I have so many drafts of creative and insightful posts which I wanted to put up, but for some reason can't seem to get through any of them this week. So instead, I bring you today's edition of the random thoughts of dragonflypurity.

~ Freedom Day was on Wednesday and with all this talk of the patriot act, an increase in governmental spying techniques, President Bush's nominations (Alito, among others), and our nations debt ratios - I feel less free now than ever in my life.

~ My car hit 100,000 miles yesterday (oh my). I've been thinking: Instead of calling my '96 blue corolla "Blue Demon" like I have in the past...maybe it should be renamed viejito (i.e. "little old man" for those who don't know spanish)? Wait, I have a Toyota...I have a good 50,000 miles more to go before I can rename it that, right ?!!

~ Any one else have issues with those toilets that auto flush? In my opinion, they suck. Mid wipe, it flushes all "under" you. ICK!! Sorry for any visual images which you can't erase. I just had to vent (they have them here at work so I am constantly fumbling with ways to stop them from flushing on me).

~ In other news: I'm seriously considering getting my masters in organizational change. Not only does the curriculum hold aspects of business, but also incorporates education, and psychology into the mix. What fun!

~ I'm supposed to be getting a dress fitted for my brothers wedding next weekend and I can't stop eating chocolate. It's like crack. Someone help!

~ Where in the hell did hip hop go? Lately, I have been on a hip hop hiatus. 3/4 of shit that comes out sucks and the other 1/4 gets played out QUCKLY. Suddenly, after a decade and a half of loyalty, I feel the need to diversify my listening habits.

nfl or nba ?!!

I just got this email a few days ago. Considering that Freedom Day was on Monday, I thought it was somehow appropriate. ENJOY!

Guess the organization these "outlaws" belong to ?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

a craving...gone bad

I can't say for certain that eating 5 white castle sliders yesterday resulted in the sheer agony I have been experiencing today. But I can say with certainty that I haven't been able to leave the bathroom for a good 14 hours.

Someone help!!! I swear never to give in to a craving again!